Early on upon my arrival in Shanghai, I was strolling down a Shanghai street with one of my American colleagues from the States and I noticed that we were getting looks from the locals. Not lingering stares but quick darting glances before the shutters came down again. What was that all about? Did they think that I was one of those local Chinese girls looking for a way out? And that got me thinking…
By far the biggest question I have grappled with since my arrival in Shanghai not too long ago is “Who am I?” Of course, I know who I am, but this is the first time in my life where I observe people struggling with “placing” me, and more importantly, needing to “place” me into a box. If you see me walking down the street, I definitely look Chinese, but the moment I open my mouth, you can tell that I am not a mainland Chinese.
I can switch accents and adopt different varying colloquial usages depending on the company I am with. I have a repertoire of 6 languages, and trying to add a few others to the list.
So, who am I? I believe that all of us, to varying degrees of consciousness, have three “I”s in our heads:
- The “I” defined by others
- The “I” that I see myself to be
- The “I” that I wish I am on the question of identity
The question “where do you come from?” is of course a very natural question given that I am a foreigner and it is supposed to be a very easy question to answer, right? Not so for myself and many others I’ve met in the short time that I’ve been in Shanghai.
The environment for expats in Shanghai seems to exacerbate this dilemma. Why? International Nomads or Modern Gypsies. A breed of people who, either by choice or necessity, have no roots, so to speak. They can either be of mixed or single heritage, probably hold more than one passport, grew up in one country, studied in at least one other foreign country and worked and lived in countless others.
So now, in this context, how does such a person answer the question “where do you come from?” Is it necessary that it has to be the country of their birth, the country of their passport(s) or the country in which they’ve lived the longest? I have more questions than I do answers. For example:
- Why this interest in knowing roots and origins? Perhaps it is a redundant question in a time when cultures are becoming more intermingled and the wearing of identity can be more intentional?
- Would there really come a time when we don’t see the colour of people’s skin or their passports? Or is it inevitable that we need a framework of reference point defined by something. and in this instance, it is almost always by race or nationality?
- Perhaps we should start interpreting the question “where do you come from?” not from a national/geographical perspective but rather from a “tell me about your life”. Personally, I am more interested in “how did you come to be in China” for that in itself encapsulates where a person has come from.
For me, I have chosen to name the country with which I have the most affinity. Even then, I find it quite limiting. I refuse to be categorized. Why? Because then it does no justice to the colours, smells and touch of the places and people who have come to make me who I am today. Having said that, I must admit that there is a certain profile to the modern day international gypsies, myself included. Taking some liberty here, I would wager that the “I” we see ourselves to be have the following similarities: something inherent in our nature that makes us susceptible to the lure of the unknown; a restlessness that stirs with the changing of the season; an unquenchable appetite for new experiences that compels us endlessly towards new frontiers. Shanghai is where many of these people are congregating.
We are drawn without much rhyme or reason like fireflies to fire. That is what makes it all that much more interesting that we can no longer put people into neat little boxes defined by geography, race, passport or profession. The boundaries of our identity landscape are becoming more and more fluid, porous and flexible. Without being overly intentional, let’s wear our identity with intent. We can now mix and pick what elements of our identity we want to display and let’s be comfortable with this ambiguity. I don’t think we can do away with “frame of references” and “categories” but if we are aware that it exists, we can then treat it constructively and have more freedom within the boundaries that must exist for the world to make sense.
Each of us carries a unique world-view in our heads and in our conversations with like-minded others, we discover the commonalities that make us human and the differences that make us the unique individuals that we are. So, who am I? I am a montage of people who have left footprints in my soul painted as only I can paint it.
