Relationship Jokes
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sunshinerainbow
Rocker
Joined: Feb 16, 2009
Posts: 793
Status: Offline
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 Posted:
Apr 24, 2009 - 04:03 PM |
 
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| Juan_Tamad wrote: |
| sunshinerainbow wrote: |
| before a man promises his woman about how he will treat his woman as in his date, then we should realize that all things can be possible for this man to do whatever he likes in that jungle dingle, yeah ! |
Best JOKE ever!!!
The poster, I mean |
Best Poster ever !
The Joker, I mean ! |
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http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_59cea7800100clo9.html |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 7094
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Apr 24, 2009 - 04:26 PM |
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A trucker noticed a man and a woman making love in the middle of the road ahead. He blew the horn several times. He finally applied the brakes desperately and the truck stopped just inches from the couple.
Trucker: you bastards! Didn’t you hear my horn?
Man: I did but I was coming… she was coming… you were coming… and you were the only one with brakes! |
_________________
BAD LUCK has always been the excuse of LOSERS!!! |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 7094
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Apr 27, 2009 - 01:37 PM |
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?’’
The mother replied, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?” |
_________________
BAD LUCK has always been the excuse of LOSERS!!! |
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Parkson18single
Rocker
Joined: Mar 09, 2009
Posts: 724
Status: Offline
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May 05, 2009 - 01:52 PM |
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Understanding Men
IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again." |
_________________
I am not too bad,I am not too good, I am bad for drink, I am good for intellection learning. Http://blog.sina.com.cn/sagittarius29 |
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jeffinflorida
Board Royalty
Joined: Nov 19, 2007
Posts: 7044
Location: Somewhere between Itchy and Scratchy
Status: Offline
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May 05, 2009 - 01:54 PM |
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What did the Bald Brazilian Man say to the whore?
For 280,000 Euros I expected you to swallow... |
_________________
Wanker- One who masturbates or is full of themself, egotistical. |
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Parkson18single
Rocker
Joined: Mar 09, 2009
Posts: 724
Status: Offline
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May 05, 2009 - 02:02 PM |
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| jeffinflorida wrote: |
What did the Bald Brazilian Man say to the whore?
For 280,000 Euros I expected you to swallow... |
Then your balls will be chocked immediately, you're gonna swimming in a septic tank! |
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jeffinflorida
Board Royalty
Joined: Nov 19, 2007
Posts: 7044
Location: Somewhere between Itchy and Scratchy
Status: Offline
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May 06, 2009 - 09:12 AM |
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane. He turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.
'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shiit |
_________________
Wanker- One who masturbates or is full of themself, egotistical. |
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Parkson18single
Rocker
Joined: Mar 09, 2009
Posts: 724
Status: Offline
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May 07, 2009 - 06:59 PM |
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What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the **** out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.
Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days. |
_________________
I am not too bad,I am not too good, I am bad for drink, I am good for intellection learning. Http://blog.sina.com.cn/sagittarius29 |
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jeffinflorida
Board Royalty
Joined: Nov 19, 2007
Posts: 7044
Location: Somewhere between Itchy and Scratchy
Status: Offline
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May 25, 2009 - 08:31 AM |
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..A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers.
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reason able competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion.
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes,
and he's insightful. The guy is delighted
One day the guy com es home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst, and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! |
_________________
Wanker- One who masturbates or is full of themself, egotistical. |
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jeffinflorida
Board Royalty
Joined: Nov 19, 2007
Posts: 7044
Location: Somewhere between Itchy and Scratchy
Status: Offline
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June 19, 2009 - 10:34 AM |
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The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me...
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS. |
_________________
Wanker- One who masturbates or is full of themself, egotistical. |
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monica1229
Lurker
Joined: July 19, 2009
Posts: 26
Location: Shanghai
Status: Offline
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July 26, 2009 - 11:22 PM |
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| Juan_Tamad wrote: |
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends. |
Yeah,;like Robbie Willams has told us through the song "supreme" |
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jeffinflorida
Board Royalty
Joined: Nov 19, 2007
Posts: 7044
Location: Somewhere between Itchy and Scratchy
Status: Offline
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Aug 13, 2009 - 02:15 AM |
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for
months.
Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was
washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the
monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again
and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what
happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring
her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that
they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined,
no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.' |
_________________
Wanker- One who masturbates or is full of themself, egotistical. |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 7094
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 04, 2009 - 04:40 PM |
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
"I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. |
_________________
BAD LUCK has always been the excuse of LOSERS!!! |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 7094
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 11, 2009 - 04:02 PM |
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sexual harrasment..
Speaking at a staff meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer told the male manager of the division, “I’d like to get something off my chest.”
“What’s that?”
“Your eyes.” |
_________________
BAD LUCK has always been the excuse of LOSERS!!! |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 7094
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 29, 2009 - 08:46 AM |
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.' |
_________________
BAD LUCK has always been the excuse of LOSERS!!! |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 7094
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Oct 07, 2009 - 08:21 AM |
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Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh |
_________________
BAD LUCK has always been the excuse of LOSERS!!! |
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Red0
Squeeker
Joined: June 17, 2009
Posts: 11
Status: Offline
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 Posted:
Oct 08, 2009 - 10:02 AM |
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| Post subject: BEST Joke i've read so far! |
| Juan_Tamad wrote: |
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s".
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** |
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_________________
http://chinese101.proboards.com |
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dsugg
Ranter
Joined: Nov 18, 2007
Posts: 505
Location: Shanghai
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Oct 27, 2009 - 10:24 AM |
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An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years a go, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is." |
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kamote
Raver
Joined: May 21, 2005
Posts: 438
Location: shanghai
Status: Offline
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Oct 29, 2009 - 02:44 PM |
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_________________
something nice... |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 7094
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Oct 30, 2009 - 03:00 PM |
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One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to ."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to ."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to ."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday." |
_________________
BAD LUCK has always been the excuse of LOSERS!!! |
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Red0
Squeeker
Joined: June 17, 2009
Posts: 11
Status: Offline
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 Posted:
Nov 06, 2009 - 09:27 AM |
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| adiuscha wrote: |
| Juan_Tamad wrote: |
Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one
Homer Simpson |
 that's the stuff you can't buy |
, only you can steal. |
_________________
http://chinese101.proboards.com |
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Red0
Squeeker
Joined: June 17, 2009
Posts: 11
Status: Offline
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 Posted:
Nov 06, 2009 - 10:12 AM |
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| Post subject: Another Funny joke EVER! |
| Juan_Tamad wrote: |
A man needs a room for the night. He stops at an inn and asks for lodgings. The innkeeper says that he doesn't have any rooms available but there is one big bed in a room that he can share with another man but he must warn him that the man snores so bad that no one can stand it.
The traveler says that would be fine. Next morning he comes down all smiles and tells the innkeeper that he had a great nights sleep.
The innkeeper was shocked and asked the man how he was able to sleep with all that noise.
The man said, "Simple, when I got in the room I leaned over and kissed the man on the cheek and said 'have a good night, beautiful'. He stayed awake all night watching me." |
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_________________
http://chinese101.proboards.com |
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Collinscon
Newbie
Joined: Nov 06, 2009
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
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Nov 06, 2009 - 04:39 PM |
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Make Your Wife Hot: My Blog |
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Red0
Squeeker
Joined: June 17, 2009
Posts: 11
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Nov 07, 2009 - 07:11 PM |
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| Post subject: Loved this one |
| Juan_Tamad wrote: |
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??? |
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_________________
http://chinese101.proboards.com |
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badabum
Lurker
Joined: Mar 02, 2009
Posts: 33
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Nov 12, 2009 - 05:19 AM |
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Two guys at the golf course. A funeral procession passes in the distance. One guy stops playing, takes off his cap and bows his head.
Other guy: Wow, that's really noble of you.
First guy: It's the least I can do. I was married to her for 30 years! |
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