the arrogance of the english
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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 Posted:
Mar 16, 2005 - 08:33 PM |
 
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A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetary, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
''Here lies a Lawyer and an honest man...''
''ach, who'd ever think...'' he murmered, ''there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Mar 16, 2005 - 08:36 PM |
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How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?
Easy, just start up a collection. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Mar 16, 2005 - 08:38 PM |
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A Scot is the only man on Earth who would step over the bodies of a dozen bronzed naked beauties just to get a glass of whiskey |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Mar 16, 2005 - 08:39 PM |
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Nowadyas the Scots do not play the bagpipes to frighten thier enemies, they do it to annoy thier neighbours. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Mar 16, 2005 - 08:41 PM |
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Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Mar 16, 2005 - 08:42 PM |
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Why do pipers march when they play ?
To get as far away from the noise as possible. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Mar 16, 2005 - 08:45 PM |
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That'll do for tonight, hopefully by tomorrow the Indians will have calmed down. |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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Mar 16, 2005 - 09:18 PM |
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Absolutely hilarious 5 stars,"who would have ever thought ","dead brill pal" as they say in that part of the world.
There's someone banging on a drum up stairs ,bang bang bang,i think i,ll get the pipes to shut him up,but like ye suggested the sound o the pipes is no to everyones taste pipers included
Every Tam,Shug and Hughie,descends on the High street ( or the Royal Mile to you Royalists loking in)during the summer.
I once heard one of her majesty,s finest say to this wee bag pipe player aged about 10 who was dropped off every day at 3.30 on the dot by his rolls royce driven faither(true)
'"please go away hame and practise and give us all peace"
Ii was doubled up with that one,it was true thou ,he was awfull.
Even worse is when they double up,both totally oot o tune,both blowing their guts oot to'" amazing graaaaaace ,howwww sweeet the sooooond".
The tourist lap it up,whilst the pipers are laughing all the way to their paradise houses in the sun.
Now the cheeky bastards have started demanding money for a photo and you guessed it ,he cannae play a note properly and he isnae scottish,the nearest he gets to being scottish is nova Scotia(true)
I,ve threatened to learn the pipes many a time as it, yer ticket to the world ,but they,re awfull,well thats no true if played properly,they bring a tear to a glass eye.
At least the guys in the army know how to play mare than "flower o scotland or amazing grace.
hae a good kip |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
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Mar 17, 2005 - 02:28 AM |
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Quasimodo returns home from a hard day
bell ringing and finds his wife standing in the kitchen with a wok.
"Fantastic", he says, "Is it chinese tonight, Esmeralda?"
"Oh no," she says, "I'm ironing your shirt". |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
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Mar 17, 2005 - 02:30 AM |
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A woman walks into the kitchen where her husband is busy killing flies with a swatter.
"Any luck", she asks.
"A bit", he replies. "I've killed three males and two females."
"How could you possibly know that" his wife asks.
"Easy", says the husband.
"Three were sitting on the beer can and the other two were on the phone."
A man visits his doctor."Doc, I think I'm losing it," he says.
"I'm forever dreaming I wrote Lord of The Rings."
"Hmm. One moment." replies the doctor, consulting his
medical book.
"Ah yes, now I see.... You've been Tolkien in your sleep." |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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Mar 17, 2005 - 02:36 AM |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
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Mar 17, 2005 - 02:52 AM |
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hi,s its keith fi brechin, a wee fitba joke noe hope you have a wee chuckle no offence meant,sitting comfortably
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Liverpool and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool
fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well if your not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Middlesbrough fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Boro fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Middlesbrough, and my mum is a Boro fan and my dad is a Boro fan, so I'm a Boro fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Boro fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer and a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan." |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Mar 17, 2005 - 07:04 AM |
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Ha ha ha ha, very good, (liverpool fan) |
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jamiejah
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Joined: Mar 21, 2004
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Mar 18, 2005 - 05:58 PM |
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An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin." |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
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Mar 18, 2005 - 05:59 PM |
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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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Mar 18, 2005 - 06:01 PM |
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An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Irishman
politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation. The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people
eat the whole bread?" The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge
bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the
crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell
them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman
listened in silence. The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the
bread?" Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between
his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."
The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman.
Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them
down into chewing gum and sell them to England.
Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?" |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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Mar 18, 2005 - 06:09 PM |
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A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"
13. |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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Mar 18, 2005 - 06:11 PM |
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rainne Haloran takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the press and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the press with her son. The little boy says, 'Dark in here' The man says, 'Yes it is.'Her son says - 'I have a skateboard
Man - 'That's nice.'
Son - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No thanks."
Son - 'My Dad's outside.'
Man - 'How much?'
Son - '$500.00.'
In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the press together
Son - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Son - 'I have a helmet.'
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Son - '$200.00.'
Man - 'Fine.'
A few days later the father says to the boy, 'Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride..
His son says, 'I can't, I sold them.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Son - '$700.00.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again.'
39.
Seamus O'Malley is playing golf when he takes a hard struck golf ball |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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Mar 18, 2005 - 06:23 PM |
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aye the superior race
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
NUFF SAID |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
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Mar 18, 2005 - 06:40 PM |
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An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast. He stated to the masses "I was born an Englishman, I've lived an Englishman, and by God I shall die an Englishman!" Then, from the back of the crowd, a voice yelled "Shite
man, have ye no ambition?" |
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GC
The Ginger Prince
Joined: Dec 01, 2003
Posts: 21544
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| Posted:
Mar 18, 2005 - 07:02 PM |
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LOL |
_________________
You turned on the lights, Fuelled U boats by night, That's how you repay us, It's time to go home. |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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Mar 19, 2005 - 02:06 AM |
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here,s the real english people speak,translations for our english speakers off course
(Arse) I could eat a child's arse through the rungs of a cot . (I'm starving)
(Arse) He has a face like the Earl of Hell's arse ugly
(Arse) They're like arse-holes, sure everybody has them A plentiful supply
(Arse) I wouldn't bother me arse about that something not worth considering
(Arse) I will in me arse: I won't do it
(Arse) As ignorant as a bag of arses If you have ever met a bag of arses you will appreciate this saying
(Arse) You have a head on you like a well
slapped arse. Ugly
(Arse) I knew him when he hadn't an arse to
his trousers. When he was poor
(Arse) He arsed his way through the crowd. Pushed through the crowd
(Arse) She's a face on her as long as a pig's arse Meaning glum, morose looking
(Arse) As sure as there's a hole in your arse -
Confirming the truth behind your story.
(Arse) Shut your arse and give your mouth a chance -
Stop talking rubbish
(Arse) It's far from your arse you won't sit on it. Usually said to |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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Mar 19, 2005 - 02:13 AM |
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hite) You're like a boiled shite: Looks pale
(Shite) Is it shite or a heartburn ya have: When you have no hope of getting what you asked for
(Shite) You are in you're Shite: You're not really going to do it !
(Shite) You're as thick as shite and only half as useful.. Meaning: Describing a very stupid person
(Shite) Shite or get off the pot. Make your mind up
(Shite) Still shitin' green, white an yella" Basically meaning I was still a kid or a real Republican
(Scarlet) "I'm scarla (scarlet) for ya'' I'm embarrassed for you |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
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| Posted:
Mar 19, 2005 - 02:15 AM |
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a wee favourite o mine
word for money/cash |
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jamiejah
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 21, 2004
Posts: 3010
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Mar 19, 2005 - 02:16 AM |
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**** it should have game up
SPONDULIX ,have you got the SPOndulix OR YOU GOT THE READIES |
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