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Jessica525
Reacher
Joined: July 21, 2005
Posts: 211
Location: Hawaii!!
Status: Offline
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  Posted:
Aug 05, 2005 - 01:51 PM |
 
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| Post subject: Do Shanghainese marry for love or money? |
Question:
Many people have told me that local Shanghainese marry for family reasons (good match, finances, etc) but not for Love. If any of you locals can verify or despute this, can you clear it up?
Are the locals in love???  |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10385
Location: Shanghai
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Aug 05, 2005 - 02:08 PM |
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Jessica525, are you a girl ? if so, could you tell me that if you date with some guy here, which guy you would prefer to relate with, a rich expat man or a poor expat man ?
I think always when people really suffer the true love from the others, they will hesitate it and give it up because of recreance and inconsonance. |
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功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/
Last edited by Nathalie25 on Aug 05, 2005 - 02:32 PM; edited 3 times in total |
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Anniboodk
Fire-eater
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 2788
Location: Copenhagen
Status: Offline
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Aug 05, 2005 - 02:10 PM |
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I don't think this is unique for Shanghainese girls only. Yes, I'm sure there are women that marry for money out here, but doesn't that happen all over the world? |
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Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there? I am going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt." |
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Magnolia
Board Biatch
Joined: June 01, 2004
Posts: 31091
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Aug 05, 2005 - 02:18 PM |
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There are reasons for marriage all over the word. Of course there are locals who marry for love. There are locals who marry for other reasons. There are foreigners who marry for love. And foreigners who marry for other reasons. In a city of almost 20 million, there are bound to plenty of people who married for a myriad of reasons. It is far to general to inquire if the locals are in love. And slightly demeaning, based on the western ideal of marriage and love. It is not a city full of Anna Nicole Smith's.
I know plenty of local couples who are married or getting married for love.
Without trying to be a biatch... the differences that people always talk about do little more than highlight the differences or encourage evaluation based on being different rather than looking at the shared similarities. Like anywhere, generalizations can apply to some of the people but not all of the people. Especially when the statements are negative. |
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BOYCOTT BENSON SALON |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10385
Location: Shanghai
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Aug 05, 2005 - 02:36 PM |
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mag, i just wanted to say that to Jassica, yeh, your words are right !  |
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功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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nothing
Talker
Joined: July 22, 2005
Posts: 105
Status: Offline
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Aug 05, 2005 - 03:28 PM |
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they do not marry for money, they marry for life, they have to find someone to get married, and better one who matches with them, good education background, a stable job, good personality, and so on and so on...
u should change ur topic into "do shanghainese marry for love or for living a life?"
i have friends in colleague, before their wedding, their parents already got quarrelled becoz they both think the other one should pay more for the apartment. but, they still got married!! |
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sweetgirl17
Reacher
Joined: Oct 02, 2003
Posts: 232
Location: Where you want me
Status: Offline
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Aug 07, 2005 - 05:48 AM |
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Shanghainese marry for the love OF money |
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Harmony between man and woman makes sweet in life |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10385
Location: Shanghai
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Aug 07, 2005 - 02:53 PM |
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| sweetgirl17 wrote: |
| Shanghainese marry for the love OF money |
sweetgirl is a Shanghainese girl, so she knows this very well.  |
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功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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lemongrass
StreetBeater
Joined: Jan 15, 2005
Posts: 2330
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Aug 07, 2005 - 03:08 PM |
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What does this picture imply Nat? |
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Missing home! |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10385
Location: Shanghai
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Aug 07, 2005 - 03:14 PM |
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| lemongrass wrote: |
| What does this picture imply Nat? |
I don't know..... |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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lemongrass
StreetBeater
Joined: Jan 15, 2005
Posts: 2330
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Aug 07, 2005 - 06:00 PM |
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OK good answer... I use it very often...  |
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Missing home! |
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DeeLphiC
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 11, 2005
Posts: 3333
Status: Offline
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Aug 07, 2005 - 07:03 PM |
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Neither for money nor for love, that is what i think.
If I ever want to get married, it is for my mom, my grandpa, and my kids ... rediculous yeah I know, but it is true.
My grandpa is very proud of me but always worried about me and wants to see me in wedding some day soon, and hopefully grandchildren from me - dont know why whenever he said this to me I felt want to cry.
My mom wants me to have a happy family and hopefully a successful marriage she said it's too hard for a girl to struggle on her own in this world.
Marriage at least is sorta guarantee to kids, tho this sounds more and more weak and corny ...
However, love would not last longer just because of the paper ... why bother the paper???
One of the least things i know about myself is, there is no way for me to enter into a relationship/marriage without comfort, trust and love.
D |
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WonderfulWorld
Raver
Joined: Feb 18, 2005
Posts: 380
Location: Xanghai, Xina
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Aug 07, 2005 - 07:10 PM |
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Shanghainese marry so they can yell at each other all the time, LOL~~ I've lived with two couples of Shanghainese neighbors, and they never cease yelling at each other  |
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DeeLphiC
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 11, 2005
Posts: 3333
Status: Offline
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Aug 07, 2005 - 07:12 PM |
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well ... there IS some truth to THAT I am telling ya@!@ lol
D |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10385
Location: Shanghai
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Aug 07, 2005 - 07:37 PM |
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| DeeLphiC wrote: |
Neither for money nor for love, that is what i think.
If I ever want to get married, it is for my mom, my grandpa, and my kids ... rediculous yeah I know, but it is true.
My grandpa is very proud of me but always worried about me and wants to see me in wedding some day soon, and hopefully grandchildren from me - dont know why whenever he said this to me I felt want to cry.
My mom wants me to have a happy family and hopefully a successful marriage she said it's too hard for a girl to struggle on her own in this world.
Marriage at least is sorta guarantee to kids, tho this sounds more and more weak and corny ...
However, love would not last longer just because of the paper ... why bother the paper???
One of the least things i know about myself is, there is no way for me to enter into a relationship/marriage without comfort, trust and love.
D |
If i got married with some man, i would do it only for myself. i would choose the man whom i will fall in love with, i would share my happiness and pains to the one who also would like to do it together with me, I would do anything I want to do, because I am a sagittarius girl.  |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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seirene
Talker
Joined: July 05, 2004
Posts: 75
Status: Offline
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Aug 07, 2005 - 08:22 PM |
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Dee has got a point there.. i assume dee, you are a chinese? since the topic here is about shanghainese, who is also chinese. believe it or not, many chinese and asian view marriage as a bonding between two big families - not only two human. it is rather different from the western culture. and despite of the modernization that has been going on in shanghai, it is inevitable that such cultures still run the blood of the locals.
in one of the criteria list for the girls ini china, however, unfortunately (or whatever you call it), is for the girl to marry someone rich. that way, the whole family's status will be lifted to a higher rank in the society. the parents somehow knocked the idea into the minds of the kids that if they marry someone rich, the parents do not have to worry about her life and she can be a good obidient child, fulfilling her responsibility as a child, by lifting the family social status.
just a thought based on the cultural studies... |
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seirene
Talker
Joined: July 05, 2004
Posts: 75
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Aug 07, 2005 - 08:26 PM |
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| Quote: |
| If i got married with some man, i would do it only for myself. i would choose the man whom i will fall in love with, i would share my happiness and pains to the one who also would like to do it together with me, I would do anything I want to do, because I am a sagittarius girl. |
Nat, i dont think it is because you are a sagitarius; but it is more to your upbringing and most importantly, your choice in life. you have your own definition to a marriage and by that definition, you choose your choice. |
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DeeLphiC
Low Seater
Joined: Mar 11, 2005
Posts: 3333
Status: Offline
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Aug 07, 2005 - 10:51 PM |
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getting married for my family while not for myself is to my experience and my choice in life, and has nothing to do with social rank financial status bonds between families etc. My family is happy with where they are and what they are I am sure.
maybe my family expect me to marry someone rich, I undersand they want me to have an easy life and dont have to struggle too much for my own living and to support my family. However, I also understand they may not understand part of my security is out of my financial independence. It's been one of my button that's easily pressed.
Even with the man whom I fall in love with, I may not choose marriage. without marriage, two still can share happiness and pains and life together long as they are in love, even in a more free and comfort way. marriage is no guarantee for spouse love, really. If marriage ever becomes kinda guarantee for love, it has to be family love, which involves love for children. In another word, you may not love him as husband anymore ... but you may start to love him as your kids' dad.
So here is my point -
I do want kids, so I will try my best to work out a marriage, but i won't compromise and get married to someone that I dont want to be with. Thre are ways that a woman can have kids without marriage, still, that probably is not the best for kids, thus may not be the best solution and should not at the top of my preference in life.
If I ever change mind and decide to want no kids in my life, I probably wont get married, unless the one I am in love with really really wants to, and I really really love him and dont want to hurt and disappoint him. Two in love dont need the paper to prove how deep their love is, and how long their love will be lasting; and, the paper is just useless and pointless if two no longer feel for each other, and drift away out of love from each other.
Just my two jiaos
D |
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Jessica525
Reacher
Joined: July 21, 2005
Posts: 211
Location: Hawaii!!
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Aug 08, 2005 - 08:14 AM |
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| Quote: |
| [quote="DeeLphiC"]getting married for my family while not for myself is to my experience and my choice in life, and has nothing to do with social rank financial status bonds between families etc. My family is happy with where they are and what they are I am sure. |
This is why Chinese men have affairs. They suddenly become "the father of the children" instead of a husband. Now, it all comes together!
Can somebody share what the divorce rate is in Shanghai?? |
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Jessica525
Reacher
Joined: July 21, 2005
Posts: 211
Location: Hawaii!!
Status: Offline
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Aug 08, 2005 - 08:17 AM |
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Even with the man whom I fall in love with, I may not choose marriage. without marriage, two still can share happiness and pains and life together long as they are in love, even in a more free and comfort way. marriage is no guarantee for spouse love, really. If marriage ever becomes kinda guarantee for love, it has to be family love, which involves love for children. In another word, you may not love him as husband anymore ... but you may start to love him as your kids' dad.
| Quote: |
This is what I actually meant to quote, the obove "you may start to love him as your kids Dad" (in a marriage). You need to let your husband feel loved as more than the father of my children, or he'll get his needs met in other ways. |
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Jessica525
Reacher
Joined: July 21, 2005
Posts: 211
Location: Hawaii!!
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Aug 08, 2005 - 08:19 AM |
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be patient with me you guys I'm knew to this whole trying to quote thing!! |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10385
Location: Shanghai
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Aug 08, 2005 - 08:29 AM |
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So here is my point -
I do want kids, so I will try my best to work out a marriage, but i won't compromise and get married to someone that I dont want to be with. Thre are ways that a woman can have kids without marriage, still, that probably is not the best for kids, thus may not be the best solution and should not at the top of my preference in life.
If I ever change mind and decide to want no kids in my life, I probably wont get married, unless the one I am in love with really really wants to, and I really really love him and dont want to hurt and disappoint him. Two in love dont need the paper to prove how deep their love is, and how long their love will be lasting; and, the paper is just useless and pointless if two no longer feel for each other, and drift away out of love from each other.
Just my two jiaos
D |
Dee, you are a girl or a boy, may i ask?
I think that marriage it is not your task of your job, so only you yourself will never be worked out. At least, I had tried, but also failed immediately. And without a marriage, if you want kids, it really is hard to bring them up here, because you need some stable job to buy the clothes and milk and shoes and anything of babies' for growing your kids up here, so if a woman she can do this, then she needs a world of powers to support herself from her mental and material to complete it, so I don't think that it is a good idea to want or to have kids without a marriage or to bring up your kids by yourself.
| Quote: |
| If I ever change mind and decide to want no kids in my life, I probably wont get married, unless the one I am in love with really really wants to, and I really really love him and dont want to hurt and disappoint him. |
Dee, you are not so strong-minded, between being hurt by your bf and to hurt your bf, it has too many different meanings, I think this world it has no real excellent love, on the love's road, it always has a lot of hardship and frustrations, so be yourself, let nature take its course.
| Quote: |
| Two in love dont need the paper to prove how deep their love is, and how long their love will be lasting; and, the paper is just useless and pointless if two no longer feel for each other, and drift away out of love from each other. |
If the marriage laws it allowed our human being to abate/invalidate the document of marriage, then I would like to tear the marriage document up immediately, I promise. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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seirene
Talker
Joined: July 05, 2004
Posts: 75
Status: Offline
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Aug 09, 2005 - 01:45 AM |
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D, maybe not for the social status **** but yes, like you said, the parents wanna make sure that their daughter do not have to suffer famine and poverty in case they are married to a poor man. they wanna make sure their daughters have a good life. you got my point there. thanks! |
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seirene
Talker
Joined: July 05, 2004
Posts: 75
Status: Offline
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Aug 09, 2005 - 01:48 AM |
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| Quote: |
This is why Chinese men have affairs. They suddenly become "the father of the children" instead of a husband. Now, it all comes together!
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I dont think ONLY chinese men have affairs. in today's 21st century, not only men have affairs but also women are having affairs. let's be fair.
also, affairs do not only occur in shanghai and china. it happens all over the world. you could say that its an international issue!! |
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seirene
Talker
Joined: July 05, 2004
Posts: 75
Status: Offline
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Aug 09, 2005 - 02:00 AM |
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marriage certificate is just an certificate of commitment for the more conservative people and less secure people. it is also to make parents more relieved of their children's status. also, a status for the kids who might pop out along the relationship. marriage certificate means awhole bunch more of ****.
marriage to some, doesnt mean a declaration of love. but to others, it is. marriage is not a bond that guarantee there will be no break up; but it will make the two human joined in it think twice before breaking up. maybe, an affair occurs because of the harsh consequences of divorce. but it also makes the couple think why they got together and devote themselves in a commitment called marriage willingly in the first place.
economically, it is true that marriage will mean that the kids' expenses will be shared and it is legally protected by law. but i think marriage is more to that.. it is the commitment you are willing to plunge yourself into despite of the notorious consequences attached to it.
marriage.. means tolerance too..
i can go on and on and on about marriage, love and their corelation but it all depends on the meaning on attached to it. there is no basic concrete theory of marriage, love and relationship. it is for your to comprehend the meanings and its importances in your life; cos you are the one who will live your life. |
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