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Dazza
Low Seater
Joined: Feb 02, 2006
Posts: 3097
Location: In the city of cold steel
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  Posted:
Feb 24, 2006 - 07:34 PM |
 
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| Post subject: Some Chuck Norris facts. |
Hey,
For thoses of you that remember " Rock hard Chuck from a variety of action packed 80's flicks such as Delta Force and his acclaimed TV show Walker Texas Ranger here are a list of quotes and facts from his kick ***ed career.
Chuck Norris the bearded Assassin
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1. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
2. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
3. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
4. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
6. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
7. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
8. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
9. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
12. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
13. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
14. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
15. Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
16. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
17. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
18. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
19. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
20. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".
21. On the 7th day, God rested.... and Chuck Norris took over.
22. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
23. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
24. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
25. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
26. A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
27. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
28. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
29. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
30. In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
31. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
32. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
33. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
34. Chuck Norris fought a pirate once. It was close but the pirate won. Chuck has been in a state of chronic depression ever since.
35. One drop of Chuck Norris’ sweat can cure you of anything, even death.
36. Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
37. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
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If the musics too loud then you are too old! |
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MasterBaiter
Reacher
Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 249
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Feb 24, 2006 - 08:52 PM |
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Dazza
Low Seater
Joined: Feb 02, 2006
Posts: 3097
Location: In the city of cold steel
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| Posted:
Feb 25, 2006 - 04:59 AM |
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Hey,
More on Chucky..
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"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest **** known to man. That **** is now France.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris doesn't break up with his girlfriends... He punches them in the vagina and they leave.
Chuck Norris had sex with a cigarette machine.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire watermelon, including the seeds, then grew an entire watermelon patch in his stomach which fed eleven families for six weeks.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.
If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.
A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series "MacGyver". Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.
Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the **** out of Segal. Norris then ****ed your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.
When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.
There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, *****es, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."
Chuck Norris occasionally has Missing In Action flashbacks where he's escaping a Vietnam Prison and randomly starts killing Asians with his bare fist because thats the way Chuck rolls. You'll know when it's coming because Asians start flying through the air with random explosions, horrible subtitles will scroll your line of vision, and Chuck will run and hide in your mom's garden, finally stealing your Kia Sportage screaming, "Get in the Chopper" and lines like, "I'm Proud to be a ****ing American" after kicking your little sister in the face |
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If the musics too loud then you are too old! |
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ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai
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| Posted:
Feb 25, 2006 - 07:09 AM |
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| While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest **** known to man. That **** is now France. |
lmao! |
_________________
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth." |
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mat
Board Royalty
Joined: Apr 26, 2004
Posts: 6980
Location: Loooooooooooose!
Status: Offline
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Feb 25, 2006 - 12:54 PM |
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18. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
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that is the funniest thing i have read. |
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www.justbeer.cn Get Loooooooose! |
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CoffeeHawk_0
Board Buddha
Joined: July 14, 2005
Posts: 14460
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Feb 25, 2006 - 01:49 PM |
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haha, these are great, never heard them before !! |
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MasterBaiter
Reacher
Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 249
Status: Offline
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Feb 25, 2006 - 02:39 PM |
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megan1010
Lurker
Joined: Feb 16, 2006
Posts: 25
Status: Offline
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Feb 25, 2006 - 04:57 PM |
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That is because Chuck Norris is hilarious. Keep up the fresh jokes. |
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Dazza
Low Seater
Joined: Feb 02, 2006
Posts: 3097
Location: In the city of cold steel
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| Posted:
Feb 26, 2006 - 01:55 AM |
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On a similar vein, some Jack Bauer facts from the series 24...
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- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
- Jack Bauer let the dogs out.
- Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.
- Jack Bauer's favourite colour is severe terror alert red. His second favourite colour is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there’s no life on Mars.
- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer
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_________________
If the musics too loud then you are too old! |
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MasterBaiter
Reacher
Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 249
Status: Offline
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Feb 26, 2006 - 04:48 AM |
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haha, thats some some funny sheet |
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ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai
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Feb 26, 2006 - 05:43 AM |
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| If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. |
That's a fact! |
_________________
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth." |
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sluttygirl17
Seeker
Joined: June 25, 2005
Posts: 62
Status: Offline
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Feb 26, 2006 - 06:42 AM |
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this funny. i bet chuck norris dynomite on the bed. |
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GC
The Ginger Prince
Joined: Dec 01, 2003
Posts: 21536
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Feb 26, 2006 - 06:47 AM |
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he looks gay in the picture |
_________________
You turned on the lights, Fuelled U boats by night, That's how you repay us, It's time to go home. |
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sluttygirl17
Seeker
Joined: June 25, 2005
Posts: 62
Status: Offline
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Feb 26, 2006 - 06:49 AM |
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you look gay in the picture! |
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GC
The Ginger Prince
Joined: Dec 01, 2003
Posts: 21536
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Feb 26, 2006 - 06:50 AM |
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oh come on
two guns, no cock |
_________________
You turned on the lights, Fuelled U boats by night, That's how you repay us, It's time to go home. |
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sluttygirl17
Seeker
Joined: June 25, 2005
Posts: 62
Status: Offline
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Feb 26, 2006 - 06:59 AM |
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you think if he have chicken in the picture he look less gay? |
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ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai
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Feb 26, 2006 - 07:00 AM |
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Chuck Norris can wrap his cock backwards up his ass, to give himself an enema. That's why you can't see it in the picture above. But his expression says it all. |
_________________
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth." |
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Dazza
Low Seater
Joined: Feb 02, 2006
Posts: 3097
Location: In the city of cold steel
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| Posted:
Feb 26, 2006 - 08:50 AM |
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| ShanghaiUnderground wrote: |
| Chuck Norris can wrap his cock backwards up his ass, to give himself an enema. That's why you can't see it in the picture above. But his expression says it all. |
ROFLMAO |
_________________
If the musics too loud then you are too old! |
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