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oileah
Newbie
Joined: May 20, 2006
Posts: 5
Status: Offline
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 Posted:
May 20, 2006 - 10:16 AM |
 
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| Post subject: What do the expat mothers do with themselves all day? |
For young singles Shanghai seems amazing. As a mother of 3 small children - it seems frightening. I can't picture myself taking the children off of the compounds. But then I wonder what kind of a life would that be for 3 years? Many of the compounds seemed quite strange reminded me very much of Jim Carey's movie the Truman Show. I was hoping to find a community of mothers at home with their small children. I was disappointed to find children without their moms but instead with their ayis. What do the mothers with small children do with themselves? |
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bellabella
Gypsy Queen
Joined: Aug 03, 2004
Posts: 14987
Location: London
Status: Offline
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May 20, 2006 - 06:52 PM |
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i think there's a mum's group in pudong or somewhere - i've seen some threads about that, have a look around the forum for it. |
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MahamYe
Rocker
Joined: Jan 07, 2004
Posts: 611
Status: Offline
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May 20, 2006 - 08:39 PM |
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Wow Oileah, it seems that you are quite daunted...Don't worry- there is quite an active social life for moms with small kids. There are numerous groups where you can connect with other moms and there are lots of fun activities to do with kids. You are certainly not limited to a life within the walls of your compound. That sounds like torture!!!!
if send me a pm and I'll get you in touch with some groups where you can meet other mothers. How old are your kids? What part of town are you living? |
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TXMOM
Raver
Joined: Mar 20, 2003
Posts: 445
Location: Shanghai
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May 22, 2006 - 01:16 AM |
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| Post subject: Re: What do the expat mothers do with themselves all day? |
| oileah wrote: |
What do the mothers with small children do with
themselves? |
The answers are as varied as the number of expat moms in this city! A few ideas/observations/personal experiences, (not necessarily listed in order of importance (or frequency)):
activities and outings with the kids (with more and more things to choose from all the time), shopping for fun, grocery shopping (ugh!), sightseeing, travel, volunteering/charity work, lunching with friends, go to a karaoke bar with friends, spa day (massage, nails, facials, etc. - all at a fraction of the cost in western countries), work part-time, work full-time, start your own business, networking, attend professional seminars, get involved in your child's school/PTA, take classes for personal and/or professional development (language, art, dance, exercise, knitting, golf, photography, etc. - a long list of possibilities here!), visits to the fabric market, watch TV/movies, do all (or at least some) of the things you never had the time/opportunity to do before you had an ayi and the luxury of not having to go to work every day!
It is quite easy to fill your time here, with activities that do or do not involve the kids. Just because lots of kids are outside with their ayis when you happen to walk by does not necessarily mean that they're always with ayi rather than mom or dad (though of course, some parents choose or are able to spend more time with their kids than others). Everyone needs and deserves a break now and then!
Good luck with your move to Shanghai and getting settled in. Rest assured, you should be able to find a great group of moms here who share your commitment to spending time with your/their children! |
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emselst
Lurker
Joined: Sep 08, 2005
Posts: 23
Status: Offline
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June 13, 2006 - 08:08 PM |
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After living here for 4 months, I enjoy being a stay at home mom, and I'm constantly reminding myself that I'm living in a way here (lots of free time and lots of quality time for my kids) that I would never have anywhere else. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that I actually GET to do this. And other times I feel really bored. One thing that I have found to help is to study Mandarin. It is really rewarding to start interacting with people everyday on another level (other than miming, pointing, etc) and the more I learn, the more I feel a part of what is happening here. I figure, my husband is here furthering his career, so why should he be the only one that benefits from this opportunity?
And, by the way, when we first got here, it was WAY overwhelming to take my two young children ANYWHERE with me. (We moved here from a very beautiful, mountainous small town in the US) But, like everything here, you actually do adapt. It used to wipe me out to take my kids out, even in a stroller ride for a walk. Now, I can hop in a taxi and go to the Children's Museum, or the Science and Technology Museum and let them push the buttons, or the Shanghai Museum to see the costumes, or the Aquarium, or a playgroup, or one of the many beautiful parks and let the locals "hao ke ai" over them... and while I still need the occasional nap, things really are getting easier. |
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emselst
Lurker
Joined: Sep 08, 2005
Posts: 23
Status: Offline
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May 22, 2008 - 06:38 PM |
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hautumncloud
LoopKicker
Joined: Nov 04, 2006
Posts: 827
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May 22, 2008 - 07:53 PM |
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Since others have mentioned the mommy groups, outings etc, I will just add....you can be as involved in your household as you want or let the ayi run your entire household while you figure what you want to do. Some expat wives let ayi take full care of the children, house, cooking, grocery shopping etc. while others chose to have ayis as their helper and just do the cleaning and help run errands or do things that seem daunting if you don't know Chinese. Some strike a comfortable balance in between according to the needs and expectation of each family. So, there still is plenty to do to run a household if you so choose.
Treasure the time here because ayis are much more affortable than in the west, we can free up our time to play with our children, spend quality time with them, volunteer in their schools, go for field trips etc and not have to rush back to do the laundry.
A yahoo group called Shanghai Mamas is a very active group. You can meet other moms there and have some mom & tots time. |
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CIA
LoopKicker
Joined: Mar 23, 2008
Posts: 823
Location: Least Expect
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May 22, 2008 - 08:30 PM |
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They go shopping all day with the husbands huge expat paycheck is what they do, after shopping they hit the salons, drink (alcoholic) specials at the various 'luncheons' around town, more shopping, hit a spa or massage, get the nails and hair done, shop some more, get into a social / support group where they all complain about everything under the sun (including shopping), shop again, hit up some late afternoon / early evening happy hours, delegate some shiat to their drivers and ayis and back out to hit the last minute deals, follow all that up with a nice expensive dinner somewhere, go home, unload the mini van, *rest* from her exhausting day, go to bed early while the husband hits the international conference calls at night, get a good rest and get up early the next day and repeat. Long weekends find somewhere in the ring (AP) to go to spend even more: HK, Tokyo, Seoul, etc. etc. etc. |
_________________
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freedelia
Raver
Joined: Nov 27, 2006
Posts: 494
Status: Offline
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May 23, 2008 - 01:15 PM |
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Yeah, that is EXACTLY what most moms do -- you forgot to say that once a week they see their kids for about 5 minutes each and once a month they go to school to find out how the kids are doing there.
THIS IS THE MOST HATEFUL AND IDIOTIC POST I HAVE EVER READ!!!!
Stay at home moms usually get up before 7 am to get the kids ready for school, make breakfast, get them dressed, etc, etc, then if they kids who are too young for schools, go to playgroups/baby classes/baby activities with them or just take them out to the park. Then they usually go GROCERY shopping (an ordeal with a small child in a crowded chinese supermarket -- would be more than happy to let you try it with mine, just cause i am not selfish and don't want to have all the fun myself). After shopping, they usually bring the kids home, feed them and put them to sleep. Then, they SOMETIMES leave them with ayi and meet a friend for lunch or go get their nails done or have a massage. But only SOMETIMES, most of the times, they still do things around the house, even with ayi, there are always small things that only you can do, because even if your chinese is good, you cannot explain them well enough to her.
Then...then the baby wakes up, the older kids come back from school, there is chaos -- trying to do homework or read a book or color with the older ones when the younger ones are trying to get your attention. Then there is dinner that they sometimes have to cook (sometimes they order it using their husbands huge paychecks to pay for it and sometimes ayi will cook it).
Then, after dinner -- bath time, then bed time -- usually hectic until the last child is in bed.
And then, they sometimes go out with their husbands, but most of the times they are happy to stay at home and just spend some time alone with their husbands.
Then, we have the working moms, who are twice as busy, juggling job, family and managing to find a little bit of time to go get their nails or hair done too -- spending their own money this time though!!
CIA, if you have nothing nice to say, just shut the **** up! |
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bus3
Rocker
Joined: July 25, 2004
Posts: 635
Location: Shanghai
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May 23, 2008 - 01:32 PM |
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I only know a few so it is hard to generealize, but those I know do not sit around eating bon bons all day. |
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canuckian
Raver
Joined: Aug 12, 2007
Posts: 400
Status: Offline
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May 23, 2008 - 01:35 PM |
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| CIA wrote: |
| They go shopping all day with the husbands huge expat paycheck is what they do, after shopping they hit the salons, drink (alcoholic) specials at the various 'luncheons' around town, more shopping, hit a spa or massage, get the nails and hair done, shop some more, get into a social / support group where they all complain about everything under the sun (including shopping), shop again, hit up some late afternoon / early evening happy hours, delegate some shiat to their drivers and ayis and back out to hit the last minute deals, follow all that up with a nice expensive dinner somewhere, go home, unload the mini van, *rest* from her exhausting day, go to bed early while the husband hits the international conference calls at night, get a good rest and get up early the next day and repeat. Long weekends find somewhere in the ring (AP) to go to spend even more: HK, Tokyo, Seoul, etc. etc. etc. |
this thread is about expat MOTHERS, not mistresses.  |
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cc2007
Lurker
Joined: Apr 27, 2007
Posts: 34
Status: Offline
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May 23, 2008 - 01:40 PM |
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DesertSpider
Post Roaster
Joined: Jan 19, 2007
Posts: 4276
Location: SHANGHAI, CHINA
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May 23, 2008 - 02:58 PM |
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| freedelia wrote: |
Yeah, that is EXACTLY what most moms do -- you forgot to say that once a week they see their kids for about 5 minutes each and once a month they go to school to find out how the kids are doing there.
THIS IS THE MOST HATEFUL AND IDIOTIC POST I HAVE EVER READ!!!!
Stay at home moms usually get up before 7 am to get the kids ready for school, make breakfast, get them dressed, etc, etc, then if they kids who are too young for schools, go to playgroups/baby classes/baby activities with them or just take them out to the park. Then they usually go GROCERY shopping (an ordeal with a small child in a crowded chinese supermarket -- would be more than happy to let you try it with mine, just cause i am not selfish and don't want to have all the fun myself). After shopping, they usually bring the kids home, feed them and put them to sleep. Then, they SOMETIMES leave them with ayi and meet a friend for lunch or go get their nails done or have a massage. But only SOMETIMES, most of the times, they still do things around the house, even with ayi, there are always small things that only you can do, because even if your chinese is good, you cannot explain them well enough to her.
Then...then the baby wakes up, the older kids come back from school, there is chaos -- trying to do homework or read a book or color with the older ones when the younger ones are trying to get your attention. Then there is dinner that they sometimes have to cook (sometimes they order it using their husbands huge paychecks to pay for it and sometimes ayi will cook it).
Then, after dinner -- bath time, then bed time -- usually hectic until the last child is in bed.
And then, they sometimes go out with their husbands, but most of the times they are happy to stay at home and just spend some time alone with their husbands.
Then, we have the working moms, who are twice as busy, juggling job, family and managing to find a little bit of time to go get their nails or hair done too -- spending their own money this time though!!
CIA, if you have nothing nice to say, just shut the **** up! |
Sounds like someone hit a nerve. Does defensiveness follow guilt? |
_________________
| wrote: |
| Did you know that Ted Bundy's first dog was a collie named Lassie? |
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yu888
Board Deity
Joined: Jan 25, 2003
Posts: 17309
Location: ZhongShanParkArea SH
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May 23, 2008 - 03:16 PM |
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p1atl10
Post Roaster
Joined: Mar 18, 2005
Posts: 4570
Location: Shanghai
Status: Offline
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May 23, 2008 - 03:19 PM |
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oops! Busted! |
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Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.....Dave Barry |
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BBCExpat
Barker
Joined: Mar 29, 2008
Posts: 173
Status: Offline
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May 23, 2008 - 04:02 PM |
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I've seensome of playschools where the mothers are with their children and also with Ayi's. It's like amateur versions of celebs with their babysitters following them around all day. |
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amig
Talker
Joined: Apr 26, 2007
Posts: 111
Location: suburbia
Status: Offline
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May 23, 2008 - 04:14 PM |
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Well said freedelia.
Most expat mothers are managing the households and kids full time. Planning for holidays, kids' extra activities, breakfast, lunch & dinner. Ayis are employed to support with the workload.
I used to work full time and I found that working outside is less consuming and exhausting that staying home with kids, waking up at 6am and ending my day at 12pm Mon to Sun. My hours are longer when kids get sick. There's always a to do list for the family and errands to run.
Maybe CIA is referring to the REAL TAI TAI or Socialite, which most expats mothers in Shanghai are definitely not. |
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elvis1
Seeker
Joined: Dec 05, 2006
Posts: 47
Status: Offline
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May 23, 2008 - 05:02 PM |
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You will end up liking it, I guarantee you, after you get used to it. You might want to consider living in the French Concession or Jing'an areas, in a high rise or a lane house. They are less oppressive than the icky gated compounds. I also agree you should join the yahoo group shanghai maamas, but take it with a grain of salt, as it's mostly for moms of younger children and is dominated by a theme of obsessive "fear" - of everything in Shanghai - the germs, the chinese, the dirt, the traffic, the water, the food, the air, etc. And the moderator is quite tedious - inordinately controlling and absurdly proud of the fact that she managed to start a yahoo group. But if you can get past that that it is a useful source of information about children's activities (again, mostly for younger children). |
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freedelia
Raver
Joined: Nov 27, 2006
Posts: 494
Status: Offline
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May 24, 2008 - 11:21 AM |
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ABSURDLY PROUD??? I have met people who were proud about much smaller things that creating a support platform for scared mothers who come to China with small children knowing nothing about what they will find here.
I do, however, agree that there a lot of fear mongering threads -- fear of pretty much everything in Shanghai: water, germs, local people, vaccines, medicine, milk, etc, etc. But this is, in my opinion, because most foreigners know nothing about China and create an image in their mind about it before even coming here.
And no, I was not being defensive, just angry! |
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Magnolia
Board Biatch
Joined: June 01, 2004
Posts: 30165
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May 24, 2008 - 12:56 PM |
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would be cool to see what the OP's opinions on raising a family in SH are now that two years have past. |
_________________
You always won everytime you placed a bet |
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Robtcb
Reacher
Joined: Nov 15, 2005
Posts: 272
Location: Shanghai
Status: Offline
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May 24, 2008 - 01:39 PM |
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| Quote: |
You will end up liking it, I guarantee you, after you get used to it. You might want to consider living in the French Concession or Jing'an areas, in a high rise or a lane house. They are less oppressive than the icky gated compounds. I also agree you should join the yahoo group shanghai maamas, but take it with a grain of salt, as it's mostly for moms of younger children and is dominated by a theme of obsessive "fear" - of everything in Shanghai - the germs, the chinese, the dirt, the traffic, the water, the food, the air, etc. And the moderator is quite tedious - inordinately controlling and absurdly proud of the fact that she managed to start a yahoo group. But if you can get past that that it is a useful source of information about children's activities (again, mostly for younger children).
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Elvis1,
I'm the husband of the "absurdly proud" person you just mentioned.
And you know what....I'm pretty damn proud of her too. That site is getting over 1300 posts in a month now, and it is a royal pain in the *ss for her to maintain it, and to help moderate some of the excessive fear-mongering you refer to (which she isn't responsible for). As if one person could control and manage so many posts !
Let me know when you take the initiative to create something like this from scratch, and get over 700 members participating, from all over the world, using your infrequent free time (due to husband working and child-rearing sans ayi) to keep it going.
Until then, p*ss off.
Nice comment, by the way, on those "icky" residential compounds. I guess those of us who do live in those compounds must enjoy icki-ness, huh |
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Robtcb
Reacher
Joined: Nov 15, 2005
Posts: 272
Location: Shanghai
Status: Offline
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May 24, 2008 - 01:42 PM |
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2 idiot posts within a total of 21 (3 if you count mine). Must be a record. |
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mmhm
Seeker
Joined: Mar 31, 2008
Posts: 40
Status: Offline
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May 25, 2008 - 08:12 PM |
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The politically correct term is 'trailing spouse' -generally meaning that the husband has relocated for his career. Since most are management types, the spouse is often a well-educated, professional in her own right but has left behind her career/profession and follows the husband's. Many spouses learn to make a life of their own - small business, hobby, whatever and many simply feel like fish-out-water and complain incessantly.
If you are already a stay-at-home mom it will be similar except you willl have help and will have to work a little harder not to be isolated/become involved in the community.
If you are a professional, at least you will have a reasonable chance of job in Shanghai and access to a work visa. Many overseas assignments specifically exclude work visas for the spouse. But the job may not be in our field and when the husband moves again, you may be starting all over again.
Some women thrive, some go home and some can't decide to do either and are miserable. Remember the adage:
"If the mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" |
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yyfamily
Ranter
Joined: Apr 25, 2005
Posts: 565
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May 26, 2008 - 01:25 AM |
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| Magnolia wrote: |
| would be cool to see what the OP's opinions on raising a family in SH are now that two years have past. |
Yes, me too, would love to see what OP thinks about her live in Shanghai after 2 years. |
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GC
The Ginger Prince
Joined: Dec 01, 2003
Posts: 21198
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May 26, 2008 - 06:52 AM |
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| yyfamily wrote: |
| Magnolia wrote: |
| would be cool to see what the OP's opinions on raising a family in SH are now that two years have past. |
Yes, me too, would love to see what OP thinks about her live in Shanghai after 2 years. |
yeah, in shanghai do 50% of expat marriages not end in divorce? |
_________________
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