Relationship Jokes
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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 Posted:
May 26, 2008 - 12:12 PM |
 
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Pure Witticisms
I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. |
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功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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May 26, 2008 - 12:39 PM |
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Marriage Quotes By Men
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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May 26, 2008 - 12:40 PM |
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Most Men and Real Men
The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men
Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Real Men..really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.
Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.
Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Real Men..balance their checkbooks.
Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.
Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.
Real Men..start their own businesses.
Most Men..quit their jobs.
Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men..bring their own beer. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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May 27, 2008 - 08:00 AM |
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An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"As a matter of fact, I do!"
"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your of sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Which half, the LOOKING or the THINKING?" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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May 27, 2008 - 08:01 AM |
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Civilized people cannot fully satisfy their sexual instinct without love.
Bertrand Russell |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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May 27, 2008 - 08:03 AM |
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Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Murphy's Law - On Sex |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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SnappySammy
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10108
Status: Offline
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May 27, 2008 - 08:07 AM |
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Welcome back Juan Tamad I was worried haven't seen youy post on this thread for awhile.... |
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Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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May 28, 2008 - 08:46 AM |
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Love Dress The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter- in-law. "I would appreciate it if you left now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it." he replied. |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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May 29, 2008 - 09:35 AM |
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If a man is pictured chopping off a woman's breast, it only gets a R rating, but if, God forbid, a man is pictured kissing a woman's breast, it gets an X rating. Why is violence more acceptable than tenderness?
Sally Struthers |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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May 29, 2008 - 09:37 AM |
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There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.
Jerry Seinfeld |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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May 30, 2008 - 09:11 AM |
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TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??? |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 02, 2008 - 08:02 AM |
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What's the difference between a happy marriage and a fairy tale?
A fairy tales happens at least once upon a time. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 02, 2008 - 08:04 AM |
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Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine." |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 03, 2008 - 09:18 AM |
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This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his dick in her hand... Anyway, the husband comes home late one night and says "honey I'm sorry,I still love you, but I'm leaving you for another woman" The wife gets hysterical and starts screaming at him "Well, is she younger than me?" He says "no" She screams "well, is she prettier than me?" He says" Well, no" She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs, "Well then what does that BITCH have that I don't have!!!" Husband replies with a **** eatin' grin " P-P-PP-Parkinsons Disease..." |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 03, 2008 - 09:29 AM |
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Italian pregnancy!
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.
'You gonna try again.' |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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izzyshanghaied
Barker
Joined: Aug 03, 2007
Posts: 154
Location: XuJiaHui
Status: Offline
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June 03, 2008 - 11:53 PM |
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular . . .
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question !!! " |
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If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 04, 2008 - 07:51 AM |
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Didn't Do It
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply
She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!" |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 05, 2008 - 08:21 AM |
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What's the difference between medium and rare?
6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 05, 2008 - 08:22 AM |
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Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships
Sharon Stone |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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June 06, 2008 - 11:15 AM |
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men can be wolf for entire life, but never want to be male widows~~~~~~~~ |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 06, 2008 - 11:30 AM |
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Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Murphy's Law - On Sex |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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June 07, 2008 - 05:56 PM |
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Monkey's Law --- Ignore Sex for lust of Empty |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 10, 2008 - 10:45 AM |
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LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all
around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 12, 2008 - 08:20 AM |
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Bob: "So, how's it going with the ladies?"
Joey: "Women to me are sex objects."
Bob: "Really?"
Joey: "Sure. Whenever I mention sex, they object." |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6266
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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June 13, 2008 - 10:53 AM |
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Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says,"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.
The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The third dog said,"This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes on. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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