Relationship Jokes
Tags : property, business, travel, technology, nightlife, events, food, food
Goto page Previous 1, 2, 3 ... 14, 15, 16 ... 18, 19, 20 Next |
|
| Author |
Message |
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
 Posted:
June 16, 2008 - 05:37 PM |
 
|
|
This is strictly for the men... to try at home... on your wife/girlfriend..
1. Go and find your wife/girlfriend...
2. Stand some distance from her...
3. Take you index finger (the one beside your thumb) and wiggle it for her to come to you...
4. When she gets close.. put your mouth up to her ear
5. And whisper "I just wanted to see if I could make you come with one finger!"
6. RUN! |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 17, 2008 - 03:22 PM |
|
|
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses." |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 18, 2008 - 08:33 AM |
|
|
YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD WILD SEX WHEN...
* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.
* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
* The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
* You've both gone down one clothing size.
* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
* Boy, are you hungry!
* You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 19, 2008 - 08:17 AM |
|
|
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 20, 2008 - 08:25 AM |
|
|
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 21, 2008 - 10:17 AM |
|
|
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 23, 2008 - 10:14 AM |
|
|
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 23, 2008 - 12:16 PM |
|
|
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out: "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard." |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 24, 2008 - 09:05 AM |
|
|
My daughter Cheryl asked her mother how the human race appeared. Being a Catholic, her mum told her about Adam and Eve. Then Cheryl asked me. Being a scientist, I said we were descended from amphibians and branched off from monkeys. Cheryl was very confused and said to her mum, “How is it that you said we were created by God and Daddy said we were developed from monkeys?” My wife replied, “It is very simple. I told you about my side of the family; he told you about his.” |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 25, 2008 - 09:47 AM |
|
|
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a 200 RMB bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me 50 RMB change!" |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 26, 2008 - 08:39 AM |
|
|
When I got home last night, my wife demanded to take her out to some place expensive at her expense and celebrate my B'day ...................
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!! |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 27, 2008 - 05:19 PM |
|
|
A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time."
They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"
The man turns to his wife and says, "Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the SAME cow!!!!" |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 30, 2008 - 11:06 AM |
|
|
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
|
| Posted:
June 30, 2008 - 05:38 PM |
|
|
It's great to be a guy
Reasons why it's great to be a guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
|
 
 |
|
Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
|
| Posted:
June 30, 2008 - 05:39 PM |
|
|
Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
|
|
|
|
lmao
Newbie
Joined: June 29, 2008
Posts: 6
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
June 30, 2008 - 10:31 PM |
|
|
Something dosen't make sense. Lately I can make sense of Nathalie's notes.. .. .. nice |
|
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 01, 2008 - 08:59 AM |
|
|
Obama promises that when he becomes president, he will upgrade the status of women. He has prepared a list of politically correct definitions:
• She is not a “babe or a chick.” She is a “breasted American.”
• She is not a “screamer or a moaner.” She is “vocally appreciative.”
• She is not “easy.” She is “horizontally accessible.”
• She is not a “two-bit hooker.” She is a “low-cost provider.”
• She does not get “drunk.” She gets “chemically impaired.”
• She does not have “breast implants.” She is “medically enhanced.”
• She is not a “nagger.” She is “verbally repetitive.”
• She is not a “tramp.” She is “sexually extroverted.”
• She does not have “big boobs.” She is “pectorally superior.”
• She has not “been around.” She is a “previously-enjoyed companion.” |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 01, 2008 - 09:00 AM |
|
|
Hilary has prepared definitions for men:
• He does not have a “beer gut.” He has a “liquidity grain storage facility.”
• He is not “going bald.” He is in “follicle recession.”
• He is not a “dirty old man.” He prefers “generational differential relationships.”
• He is not “homy.” He is “sexually focused.” |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 03, 2008 - 08:47 AM |
|
|
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Murphy's Law - On Sex |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 03, 2008 - 08:49 AM |
|
|
What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
Outlaws are wanted. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 08, 2008 - 08:58 AM |
|
|
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," $14,000 for "large." The doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 09, 2008 - 08:30 AM |
|
|
Q: What's the difference between liking, some one, loving someone & showing off? A: Spitting, Swallowing & Garggling! |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 14, 2008 - 03:14 PM |
|
|
At age 4 success is... not peeing in your pants...
At age 12 success is... having friends...
At age 16 success is... having a drivers license...
At age 20 success is... having sex...
At age 35 success is... having money...
At age 50 success is... having money...
At age 60 success is... having sex...
At age 70 success is... having a drivers license...
At age 75 success is... having friends...
At age 80 success is... not peeing in your pants... |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 15, 2008 - 08:35 AM |
|
|
A woman shopping in a supermarket bought two pints of low-fat milk, a dozen eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a can of coffee and a pound of bacon. The man behind her said, “You must be single.”
The woman was puzzled, because there was nothing in her shopping cart that indicated her marital status. Curious, she asked the man, “You are right, but how did you know?”
The man replied, “Because you are so ugly.” |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6283
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
|
| Posted:
July 15, 2008 - 08:36 AM |
|
|
My daughter asked, “Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of India a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” I replied, “That happens in every country.” |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forum FAQ
Search
Preferences
Watched Topics
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
