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Shanghai Expat Forum Index » Community Discussion Forums » Shanghai Open Chat

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SnappySammy

Board Legend

Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10142

Status: Offline

Posted: July 27, 2008 - 12:01 AM

Mags that's a good one for any day

_________________
Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy

oh_the_darkness

Fire-eater

Joined: Apr 17, 2008
Posts: 2528

Status: Offline

Posted: Aug 22, 2008 - 10:41 AM

"The big news from China is that the adorable little girl who sang the National Anthem for the opening ceremony was lip-syncing. This is outrageous. If you can't trust an oppressive, totalitarian dictatorship..." --Craig Ferguson

"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The official motto for the Olympics is 'One World, One Dream.' Restrictions Apply. t¡bet Not Included." --Jay Leno

"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman

"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, prοtesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno

"Now you think I'm exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck." --David Letterman

"The government of China announced that it will ban restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. Which gives new meaning to the phrase, 'Hello Kitty.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman

"China has announced that during the Olympics, prοtesters will be allowed to assemble in designated prοtest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien

"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. The made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners - it's not torture, it's Pilates." --Craig Ferguson

"Today in Beijing, a small group of demonstrators gathered to prοtest China's repressive government. Funeral services will be held on Friday." --Conan O'Brien

"Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. There is a lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson's tour bus." --David Letterman

"The Olympics start the Friday after next -- pollution permitting. For some reason, they're having them in Beijing, which means the Chinese government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things about their country . It's like when your mom comes to visit your dorm room." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The United States Olympic bicycle team got off the plane yesterday wearing air filter masks on their faces. They're the same masks that kids have to wear when they play with Chinese-made toys." --David Letterman

"An Ethiopian runner has dropped out of the Olympics because he thinks the pollution could damage his health. He said the air has made him so sick, he can barely not eat." --Conan O'Brien

"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien

"China is upset because somebody leaked a video of the rehearsal for the Olympics Opening Ceremony on the Internet. I don't want to give away too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. He's gonna be there for the opening ceremonies, and also, while he's there, he will be searching for 'Lo Mein of Mass Destruction.'" --David Letterman

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Bush gave the U.S. Olympic team a rousing send-off to the Olympics. Again, I don't think President Bush is that up on geography. Like he told the athletes to get there a couple of days early to acclimate themselves to the fact that China is upside-down" --Jay Leno

"And China says it will ban entertainers they deem a threat to the government from taking part in any activities during the Olympics. You make fun of the government, you'll be banned from the Olympics, to which Bush said, "You can do that?" --Jay Leno

"And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash." --Jay Leno

"The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. This is particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain, 'McDachsunds.' --Conan O'Brien

_________________
And you may ask yourself Am I right? ...am I wrong? And you may tell yourself My god!...what have I done?

treespirit

Post Roaster

Joined: Jan 02, 2006
Posts: 4640
Location: bubble bath
Status: Offline

Posted: Aug 22, 2008 - 10:55 AM

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'd rather cry in the dark!

_________________

treespirit

Post Roaster

Joined: Jan 02, 2006
Posts: 4640
Location: bubble bath
Status: Offline

Posted: Aug 22, 2008 - 11:01 AM

A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer." Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."

_________________

Magnolia
Board Biatch

Joined: June 01, 2004
Posts: 31083

Posted: Aug 22, 2008 - 11:39 AM

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his IT specialist father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'

_________________
BOYCOTT BENSON SALON

oh_the_darkness

Fire-eater

Joined: Apr 17, 2008
Posts: 2528

Status: Offline

Posted: Aug 22, 2008 - 11:46 AM

A little native American Indian boy is sitting in front of the teepee thinking. His father, Chief Running Bull, sees him looking pensive and stops to ask him what is he thinking about.

'Father, how did you get your name?'

'Well, son, when I was born my father left the teepee and he saw a bull running on the plains'.

'I see, and father, how did mother get her name?'

'Well, son, when she was born an eagle soared into the sky towards the sun - so her father gave her the name Flying Eagle'.

'I see, and how about older bother?'

'Well son, after he was born a solitary wolf could be seen over there by those trees, hence he is now called Lone Wolf'.

'And father, how did I get my name?'

'Well, Two Dogs F*cking....

_________________
And you may ask yourself Am I right? ...am I wrong? And you may tell yourself My god!...what have I done?

oh_the_darkness

Fire-eater

Joined: Apr 17, 2008
Posts: 2528

Status: Offline

Posted: Aug 23, 2008 - 01:41 PM

An 18 year old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half hour later and a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2million bank account.

If a boy is born my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.

If twins they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

_________________
And you may ask yourself Am I right? ...am I wrong? And you may tell yourself My god!...what have I done?

Nathalie25
Board Legend

Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai

Posted: Aug 23, 2008 - 01:44 PM

Quote:

I have read it so many times when it was 2007~~~~~~~

_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/

Nathalie25
Board Legend

Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai

Posted: Aug 23, 2008 - 01:48 PM

How the cat shower like in his life

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

Wash your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee (in the shower)

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your shampoo Mohawk.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, say "Yeah baby!" and thrust your pelvis at her.

Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/

Bohica

Reacher

Joined: July 25, 2008
Posts: 292

Status: Offline

Posted: Aug 23, 2008 - 06:32 PM

Nathalie25 wrote:

You've been watching me in the morning ???

Nathalie25
Board Legend

Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai

Posted: Aug 24, 2008 - 11:03 AM

Sometimes yes, but I never wanna touch you for that, cause your mouth just like a broadcaster ,yeah,over~~~~~~~

_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/

Andreas
Board Royalty

Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6412
Location: 31 N 121 E

Posted: Sep 04, 2008 - 08:52 PM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. 'Human beings are
the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could
say 'F**k', the rottweiler ate him!

_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues!

shanghaiceltic

Board Royalty

Joined: Sep 20, 2005
Posts: 7619
Location: Perth WA
Status: Offline

Posted: Sep 05, 2008 - 05:49 AM

THE LONE RANGER'S LAST REQUEST

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief
nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in
two days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse,.....
alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully

for.... the.... last....f**king time,

I said.....

'BRING A POSSE'

_________________
I have parrallel bars at home, one for gin and one for whiskey

shanghaiceltic

Board Royalty

Joined: Sep 20, 2005
Posts: 7619
Location: Perth WA
Status: Offline

Posted: Sep 05, 2008 - 06:44 AM

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours. Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What haveyou been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard. Fookin' see how THEY like it!"

_________________
I have parrallel bars at home, one for gin and one for whiskey

mat

Board Royalty

Joined: Apr 26, 2004
Posts: 6973
Location: Loooooooooooose!
Status: Offline

Posted: Sep 05, 2008 - 09:05 AM

haha. that's great!

_________________
www.justbeer.cn Get Loooooooose!

btb

Reacher

Joined: Aug 09, 2008
Posts: 255

Status: Offline

Posted: Sep 05, 2008 - 09:12 AM

So I was boning the wife today and my son walked in
Said daddy what you doing, I had to come up with something quick, I said son, Im pumping mommmy up with air (true when you think about it), we are going to the beach tommorow son, so whe she gets in the water, she is going to float, and she wont sink

So get outta here, he leaves than comes back and says, daddy daddy

I said WATTTTT? He goes, daddy mommy must have an air leak, the mail man was pumping her this morning.

WTF is a man to do now

_________________
Morality is like drawing line in sand.

btb

Reacher

Joined: Aug 09, 2008
Posts: 255

Status: Offline

Posted: Sep 05, 2008 - 09:22 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

_________________
Morality is like drawing line in sand.

SirFiddler
Board Legend

Joined: Mar 30, 2004
Posts: 11445
Location: Very close to a bottle of chilled Boags

Posted: Sep 05, 2008 - 10:09 AM

pick carefully during the weekend :

1. ECSTASY

How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really
are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the
teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It's all about the "vibe."
How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 6/10 Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you
don't like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you
say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.

2. MARIJUANA

How you think you behave: You're not sure, but you think people could be laughing at
you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG
fridge freezer combination.
Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can
happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You are moving so slowly that it's almost impossible to
do anything stupid.

3. ALCOHOL

How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and
everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behaviour gets
progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender,
spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each
consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then
your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with
someone from the office? I've never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the
last time.
Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone
recognizes this, except you.

4. COCAINE

How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to "do lunch" with
everyone.
How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for
the next line of blow.
Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely
believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall
for it
How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman.
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there's more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn't.

5. ACID or SHROOMS

How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting
on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the
world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the
process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position,
you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry
animal/the devil/your mother.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the wall swishing that God
would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley’s "The Doors of
Perception."
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all
night even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and
died.

_________________
Beer...Soooo much more than just breakfast www.justbeer.cn

Andreas
Board Royalty

Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6412
Location: 31 N 121 E

Posted: Sep 05, 2008 - 11:27 AM

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,

'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had f**k all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got f**k all for breakfast'.

_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues!

shanghaiceltic

Board Royalty

Joined: Sep 20, 2005
Posts: 7619
Location: Perth WA
Status: Offline

Posted: Sep 19, 2008 - 07:58 AM

A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one
of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shíte

_________________
I have parrallel bars at home, one for gin and one for whiskey

Nathalie25
Board Legend

Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai

Posted: Sep 19, 2008 - 09:30 AM

gay bar blow job Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!"

The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!"

"No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"

_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/

SirFiddler
Board Legend

Joined: Mar 30, 2004
Posts: 11445
Location: Very close to a bottle of chilled Boags

Posted: Oct 10, 2008 - 03:51 PM

An Italian , a German and A Chinese guy are applying for a job on a construction site.
The foreman says to the Italian , " I won't give you a too demanding job, you're going to be in charge of sweeping the floors on the site"
Looking at the german he goes, "Oh well, what to do with you, mhhh...well you're going to be in charge of shoveling sand around here"
Then he turns to the chinese and says " You seem to be the most clever among the three of you , so I'll put you in charge of the supplies.
With that he says he has to go for a couple of hours , meet the architect and warns them not to fcuk up.

When he gets back a couple of hours later none of the three is to be seen. He walks around the site and finds the italian sleeping under a tree and goes "What the heck , haven't I told you to sweep the floors around here ? "
The Italian replies " Yesse I knowe bute whate you wante me to doe withoute de Broom? I lookede for the chinese guye but he a nowhere to be founde"
So they both walk off looking for the chinese dude and come across the german guy, sitting in the shadow drinking beer
"What in gods name you doing"the foreman says
"Vell," goes the german guy " Ei Noo Ei Vaz Subbosed To Do Zee Shawweling eround zee sait, bat ei hef no Shawwel, so Ei Vaz Luggin Foor Zee Chinese Dud, bat hee iz noveere to bi found"
So all three of them walk around the site desperately looking for their chinese colleague, they search left, they search right but can't find him. UNtil the foreman notices some leaves rustling from a bush and when he comes closer he hears a giggle when all of a sudden the chinese guy jumps out of the bush , waiving his arms shouting "Suuuupliiiiiiiise"

_________________
Beer...Soooo much more than just breakfast www.justbeer.cn

SirFiddler
Board Legend

Joined: Mar 30, 2004
Posts: 11445
Location: Very close to a bottle of chilled Boags

Posted: Oct 10, 2008 - 04:43 PM

As it's Friday, Paddy and Shamus decide it's time for a piss-up but are quite disappointed when they find out they only have 1 euro left between the two of them.Paddy however has an idea, grabs the euro and walks into a butchers shop. When he comes out and shows Shamus the sausage he just bought. "Have you gone mental " goes Shamus. We have one Euro left and you spent it on food instead of booze ?"
"Nothing to worry Shamus, we just go to the pub, order a pint and when we're asked to pay, I'll open my zipper, pull out the sausage I just bought and you suck on it a bit, we won't pay a cent, trust me"

So off they go to the first pub, order a pint of guiness each and when the barman asks them to pay, Paddy opens his zipper,pulls out the sausage and Shamus goes on his knees and sucks on it...

"You gay ******, I wont have nothing like this in my fine pub, get out of here immediately"
So the two down their beers , get out of the pub and go off to the next one. Same thing happens. Again and again and again and again as they go from pub to pub to pub...

Later in the evening Shamus says " Paddy, mate, I can't go on anymore. Great idea and all but 12 pubs , 12 pints, I am pretty drunk and my knees hurt like hell"
"Get the heck out of here, your knees hurting and all, what should I say, I left the sausage in the 3rd pub"

_________________
Beer...Soooo much more than just breakfast www.justbeer.cn

YorkshireKing

StreetBeater

Joined: Mar 16, 2007
Posts: 2366
Location: Loooooooooooooooooose in Luwan
Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 11, 2008 - 12:06 AM

The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be the drink.'

'Don't you worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.'

The Irish attempted the scaling ofMount Everest but despite a valiant effort, they failed..

They ran out of scaffolding..

And finally

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me, 'said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well, 'said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.

just beacuse Fergal is away unwell,

that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off...

_________________
"So help me God I will kill you and you will stay dead this time"

skyline5k

Shanghai Royalty

Joined: Sep 06, 2004
Posts: 8689
Location: i am ERROR
Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 16, 2008 - 03:53 PM

One day early, I know...

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!" He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.
Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."

The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington,
but don't count on things smelling any better.

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