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ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai
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 Posted:
Jan 16, 2005 - 07:35 AM |
 
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| Post subject: The French |
AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Bend-over."
The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's two white flag factories, thereby disabling their military by 50% of its capacity. |
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bougie
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 20, 2004
Posts: 12890
Location: Wuhan Hubei China
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Jan 16, 2005 - 08:20 AM |
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That's halirious ! Maybe they can call mexico for help. Canada can lend them there one F-15 as well, as long as its not in the shop
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7068
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Jan 16, 2005 - 10:35 AM |
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very good, wish i thought of that |
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MaomingMaster
Board Legend
Joined: Feb 03, 2004
Posts: 11059
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Jan 16, 2005 - 10:53 AM |
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Joke:
Years ago the British soldiers used to wear a red tunic. A soldier was captured ansd asked by the French why they wore red tunics.
He replied 'so that when we are shot the blood is disguised and our enemy doesn't have a clue if we are afraid or not. Probably the same reason why French soldeirs wear brown trousers.' |
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Nick-la
Wonder Wit
Joined: July 19, 2003
Posts: 3675
Location: Wasted on this site
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Jan 16, 2005 - 12:18 PM |
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Good one
Wonder what Benoist has to say about it?... |
_________________
I'm surrounded by idiots. |
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GC
The Ginger Prince
Joined: Dec 01, 2003
Posts: 21408
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Jan 16, 2005 - 12:41 PM |
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alex-hk
SuperStar
Joined: Apr 21, 2003
Posts: 1419
Location: in there.
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Jan 16, 2005 - 12:57 PM |
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| Quote: |
A Brief French Military History
Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius Caesar as their new leader)
Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French, replaced by the Franks *sigh*)
Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat. Notice it was done by a German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks)
Franks vs. Themselves - Clovis unites Franks into one kingdom around 511 A.D. He dies and the 'kingdom' falls apart at the seams. Ever hear of naming a successor or how bout a will?
Franks vs. Muslims - Charles Martel defeats a SMALL Muslim raiding party at the Battle of Tours in 732 A.D. Muslims lost interest so Charles claimed a 'great victory'. Notice they didn't follow up and kick the Muslims out of Spain though.....
Franks vs. Franks - Charlemagne crowned 'Emperor of the Romans', Christmas 800 A.D. Again this 'empire' fell apart by 840 A.D. - sheesh. Charlemagne could read but couldn't write - now what sense does that make?
Franks vs. Vikings - From 841 to 911 A.D. the Viking Warrior-Badasses mopped the Frankish countryside with Frank ass. France surrenders Normandy to Vikings 911 A.D. (Stupid mid-evil France was easily bullied by real warriors)
Franks vs. Black Death - 1347 - 1350 A.D. Black Death kills Frenchies good. This plague was said to originate in Mongolia, from the vermin. BUT, we all know it HAD to have came from the filthy French swine.
France vs. England - 100 Years War 1337 - 1453 A.D. Battle of Crecy - 1337 A.D. (English hand the French their own asses in the start of the 100 Years War with the timely use of the longbow. French knights are mowed down like the cannon fodder they were.) Battle of Poitiers, 1356 A.D. - More of the same. Battle of Agincourt, 1415 A.D. - Henry V gets some French butt-whoopin' action. Unfortunately, a heretic freak named Joan of Arc came along and united all the French Frogs and they managed to repel the English. And we all know where that got her....TOASTY.
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
France vs. France - 1572 A.D. St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre by Queen Catherine. She killed thousands of protestants and Jews. Hrm...that sounds really familiar - the FINAL SOLUTION ring any bells? Evidently these bastards were no better than Nazi Germany and yet they are proud of their heritage?
France vs. Europe - War of Spanish Succession 1648 A.D. (France tries to fight rest of Europe over Spain and looses to Frederick William of Germany)
France vs. Europe - 7 Years War or French Indian War 1756 A.D. (France gets beat up on 2 different continents by England and Germany plus the early future Americans - a guy named George Washington ring any bells?)
France vs. France - French Revolution 1789 - 1799A.D. (France kicks their own asses) Dr. Guillotine makes a handy invention that allows the Frenchies to chop off their own heads with amazing speed - thanks Jacobin Republicans!
France vs. Europe - Waterloo 1815 A.D. (Wellington delivers knockout to Napoleon - 2nd time. This comes AFTER the Russian Winter destroyed the largest army in the World and the U.S. conned old Nappy in the Louisiana Purchase - WHAT A BARGAIN!)
France vs. France - French Revolution (again) 1848 A.D. (France is still kicking their own asses on a smaller scale)
France vs. Mexico - late 1860s - early 1870s A.D. - France conquers Mexico. Wow! Amazing. What an accomplishment. Funny though, when the U.S. decided to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words told France to get the HELL out of our side of the world, they tucked tail and ran.
France vs. Prussia - Franco-Prussian War 1870 A.D. (William I of Germany kicks the teeth out of Napoleon III - good old Willy proclaims himself emperor of Germany at the Palace of Versailles - can you say bitchslap?) This all started because France opposed the unification of Germany - notice this starts a nasty chain of events that doesn't end till 1945......seems to me we can almost chalk up WWI and II on the dumbass French.
France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the hell out of France - without the aid of USA, France would be speaking German. France only won because of Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass sore-winners in France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of Versailles to 'punish' the Germans. Notice the resulting conditions of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER.
France vs. Germany - Rise of Hitler 1933-1939 A.D. (Germany bullies France into letting them take more territory - the wussies wouldn't even fight over it - they adopted a policy of 'appeasement' - can you say SCARED?)
France vs. Germany Round II - WWII June 22, 1940 A.D. (France surrenders to Hitler at Compiegne after putting up a fight that made Polish Army look good. Notice Vichy France who quickly jumped ship to be friends with the Germans. And once again without the help of good old Uncle Sam the Atlantic Wall would never have been penetrated - France would either be a part of the 3rd Reich or a satellite country of Communist Russia under Uncle Joe Stalin)
France vs. Vietcong - Vietnam 1954 A.D. (French Army at Dien Bien Phu surrender to Ho Chi Minh)
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. |
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ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai
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Jan 17, 2005 - 05:39 AM |
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A resolution was recently proposed in the UN to form a new union between the Turks and Kurds. This would create a new nation along the Iraq border to be called the Turds. France vetoed the measure citing historical rights to the name. |
_________________
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth." |
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ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai
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Jan 17, 2005 - 05:47 AM |
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You are the President of the United States, George W. Bush. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed toward the Earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in two days at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the Earth forever. France and the UN have requested that the US send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it and watch it in the morning? |
_________________
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth." |
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ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai
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Jan 17, 2005 - 05:54 AM |
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There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had just been slapped. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.' |
_________________
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth." |
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JeffG
Raver
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 410
Location: don't know ... don't care
Status: Offline
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Jan 18, 2005 - 12:35 AM |
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ShanghaiUnderground You are a complete Star |
_________________
I ain't got time to bleed |
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alex-hk
SuperStar
Joined: Apr 21, 2003
Posts: 1419
Location: in there.
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Jan 18, 2005 - 01:01 AM |
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JeffG
Raver
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 410
Location: don't know ... don't care
Status: Offline
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Jan 18, 2005 - 01:09 AM |
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Alex-hk this thread just gets better and better |
_________________
I ain't got time to bleed |
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alex-hk
SuperStar
Joined: Apr 21, 2003
Posts: 1419
Location: in there.
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Jan 18, 2005 - 01:29 AM |
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oui, happy to oblige |
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alex-hk
SuperStar
Joined: Apr 21, 2003
Posts: 1419
Location: in there.
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Jan 18, 2005 - 01:37 AM |
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Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun
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alex-hk
SuperStar
Joined: Apr 21, 2003
Posts: 1419
Location: in there.
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| Posted:
Jan 18, 2005 - 01:42 AM |
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yeah, that's pretty amazing. do the google search on 'french military history'
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=french+military+history&btnG=Goog le+Search
| Quote: |
French Military History in a Nutshell
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".
French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. |
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ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater
Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai
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Jan 18, 2005 - 06:11 AM |
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"In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language." Mark Twain, Innocents Abroad, 1869.
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton, World War II.
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." P.J. O'Rourke, Holidays in Hell, 1989.
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." General Norman Schwartzkopf, Gulf War I.
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France.
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh, Political Commentator. |
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"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth." |
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