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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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 Posted:
Aug 26, 2005 - 07:42 AM |
 
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| Post subject: One for Canuks |
A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" |
Last edited by commando on Aug 26, 2005 - 07:42 AM; edited 1 time in total |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:42 AM |
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A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade." |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:43 AM |
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An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his." |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:43 AM |
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What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
The taste. |
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dfoo
Post Roaster
Joined: Jan 19, 2005
Posts: 4140
Status: Offline
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:44 AM |
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You gonna break out the Newfoundland jokes next?  |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:44 AM |
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Canada, the place that everyone else makes fun of, but no one there is smart enough to notice..... |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:48 AM |
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The indigenous people of the United States used to be referred to as “Indians” supposedly because Christopher Columbus thought he was landing in India when in reality he was in North America.
The indigenous people of the United States did not like the term “Indian” and lobbied successfully to be referred to as “Native Americans”.
What do you call an indigenous person from Canada?
Just another drunk injun. |
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dfoo
Post Roaster
Joined: Jan 19, 2005
Posts: 4140
Status: Offline
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:48 AM |
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| commando wrote: |
What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
The taste. |
haha. My grandfather was a scott. He loved to come to Newfoundland, but he didn't like the beer all that much. In Newfoundland we have a beer called Black horse. My grandfathers comment was that it tasted like horse piss ... and it was the only beer he knew that had a portrait of the brewer on the bottle |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:51 AM |
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How the Canadians spelled thier name.
They put a bunch of letters in a bag. They pulled letters out one at a time.
C eh N eh D eh. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:52 AM |
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A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister. Paul Martin was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Martin thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes deducted $95 in taxes." |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:53 AM |
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Ann came to downtown St. John`s NFLD. carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
She stopped Brian (from Toronto) on Duckworth Street and said, "Here, Friend, take a drink outta my jug."
Brian protested, explaining that he never drank.
This Newfie leveled her shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"
Brian drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! That's awful stuff you've got there."
"Ain't it, though?" replied Ann. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig." |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:55 AM |
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Air Traffic Controller Pearson - Toronto: "One time we had two planes converging. One of the guys on my shift said, `Delta, we want you to make a change of altitude.' The pilot said, `No, we're comfortable here.' The controller radioed the second pilot. `United, we want a change.' The pilot said, `No, we're comfortable here.' The controller said, `United, let me speak to your purser.' The purser came on the radio. `You got enough extra meals on board?' `What for?' `For the people on that Delta flight, they'll be joining you in mid-air in a few moments.' We got our change of altitude |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 07:59 AM |
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A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:
Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:03 AM |
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---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
CANADIANS IN HELL
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup." |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:04 AM |
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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American." |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:05 AM |
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Two Canadians are sitting in a bar, and getting bored. They decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a word and after a little pondering comes up with the word: moosecock.
The second Canadian tries his first question, "Is it something good to eat?"
The first guy thinks a moment then laughs and replies "Sure, I suppose you could eat it."
The second Canadian says, "Is it a moosecock? |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:05 AM |
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Why did the Canadian cross the road?
To get in the middle! |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:06 AM |
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A family moved from Newfoundland to Alberta. Johnnie started school at the new location, in grade 3.
One day the teacher asked individual students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
Next day, in "language", the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland.
Next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well - endowed". This confused him. He told his Dad, that night, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son," explained Dad, "that's because you're 18!" |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:07 AM |
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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some ******* out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada. sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!" said the manager.
The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?" |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:08 AM |
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---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
"About Canada"
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of ?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:13 AM |
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What is big and white and found in Vancouver?
A lost polar bear. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:18 AM |
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You Might Be Canadian If...
You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.
You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.
You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.
You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that.
You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.
You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.
You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".
You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.
You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.
You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"
You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
You participate in Participaction!
You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
You think Peter Kent is sexy.
You think Matt Damon is so-so.
You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
You think Great Big Sea isn't Atlantic-centric enough.
Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).
You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.
You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
You think Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".
You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.
You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.
You think -10 C is mild weather.
You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
You know the ingredients for poutine.
You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.
You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.
You substitute beer for water when cooking.
You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.
You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'
You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.
You brag about the sweet herb in BC.
You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit.
You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.
You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis Philbin.
You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.
You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny.
Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.
You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.
You die a little inside if you can't get your Tim's double-double every morning.
You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.
Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.
You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.
You know who Foster Hewitt is.
You can spot MEC from a kilometre away, even if the little white tag is hidden.
You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.
You've actually said, "Stay where yer at, 'till I gets where yer to."
You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".
Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."
You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important message -- Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!
You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells like cigarettes and beer.
You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.)
You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"
Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night in Canada.
You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.
You know that, contrary to general belief, the Inuit have about the same amount of words for snow as do English speakers. Your favourite Inuit word for 'snow' is "navcaq" (snow formation about to collapse).
Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.
You wonder why squirrels and seagulls somehow manage to get in every zoo exhibit (including the parking lot and squirrel and seagull exhibits).
You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.
You wonder why Esther Canadas has been blessed with both beauty and the coolest name on the planet -- although Canuck cutie Shalom Harlow could wipe the floor with her.
You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's kind of gross, but at least you smell good.
You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.
You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"
You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink Pop, not Soda.
You only know three spices: Salt, pepper and ketchup
You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway
You drive on a highway, not a freeway
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.
You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.
You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
You know what a toque is.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"
You live in a house with no front step, but the door is one meter up from the ground.
Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know that the four seasons means: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work/construction.
You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"
You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
You call it a BUN not a "Roll"
Its called a WASHROOM not a lavatory or powder room or rest room.
You've ever had your tongue frozen to something.
You know that in Canada the mosquitoes have landing lights
You have more kilometers on your snow blower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage making.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer.
You attend a formal in your best clothes, your finest jeweler and your Sorrels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You may be a little too Canadian if...
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.
You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.
You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...",
"One day we have tar paper roof!" and "Kanata".
You advocate the abolition of responsible government in favour of monarchist rule.
You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.
Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".
You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls his granddad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nonetheless.
You stay up until midnight (the end of some television station broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.
You get up at 5:00 am (the beginning of broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.
You spit angrily when Americans say "ruff" instead of the correct "roof".
When abroad, you have a cold fear that somebody might mistake you for an American. You make a point of deliberately being kind to locals just to make it clear you are a Canadian.
You are too Canadian if...
You've ever said, 'I need more flannel clothing.'
You understand everything in this list, and email it to all your friends.
You read rather than scanned this list. |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:20 AM |
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Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup |
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commando
Board Royalty
Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 7117
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:22 AM |
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Things Canadians are proud of...
Smarties.
Crispy Crunch.
Coffee Crisp.
The footballs and fields are bigger, and we have one less Down.
Lacrosse is Canadian.
Hockey is Canadian.
Basketball is Canadian.
The biggest flags ever seen/flown at any Olympics were Canadian... The second time it was smuggled in because they made a rule against it cause of the first time.
Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass.
Much Music kicks MTV's ass.
Maple syrup kicks Mrs. Butterworths ass (...don't know about Aunt Jemima though).
Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin Donuts ass.
Waaaay better beer commercials/contests and beer company give a ways. Example: the Molson Canadian House Party...where you get to keep the house. Trashed or not.
In the war of 1812, we pushed the Americans so far back... passed their 'White House', burned it...and most of Washington. We got bored because they ran away so we came home and partied. Go figure.
Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
The Canadian Civil War was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
We don't marry our kin-folk.
We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, the long distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. Oh yeah...and the handles on beer cases big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
We can hum the tune to 'Definition'.
We all know that a scale that measures boiling water at 212 degrees and freezes at 32 is asinine.
We've ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
We can out drink Americans in a heart beat!!
Our elections take only one day. |
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dfoo
Post Roaster
Joined: Jan 19, 2005
Posts: 4140
Status: Offline
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Aug 26, 2005 - 08:22 AM |
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A newfoundlander goes to the doctor. The doctor asks, "what seems to be the problem son?" He presses his finger into his leg. "Doc, it hurts when I do this." "Interesting", says the doctor. "Anything else?". The man presses his finger into his arm. "Doc, it also hurts when I do this". The doctor ponders the situation. "Ok, and anything else?". The man presses his finger into his head. "It hurts like hell when I do this".
The doctor looks at the man. "Ok", he says. "Your finger is broken". |
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