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Tigers12

Talker

Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 91

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 06:59 PM
Post subject: Homesick... oi oi oi

I have only been here 2 months (out of a 2 year contract) and I am struggling already. Well, just today I have been struggling with homesickness. I am 24yo so I am a big girl but I have just been crying at the drop of a hat today. My mum emails me and I cry, my workmate asks if I am alright and I burst out crying again. What the hell? I LOVE Shanghai and I have awsome friends here and a very busy life. I am happy so I don't understand why today I have been an emotional retard (no I dont have PMS). Is anyone else like this?

How do you get over this?
I have jumped on www.homesick.com.au and ordered some DVDs and hampers. My boss suggested I grab a bottle of Aussie wine and plonk myself in front of the tv and watch dvd after dvd until I forget I am in China. I tried calling my mum but I couldn't get a word out without sounding like a blubbering mess.

Help...

CoffeeHawk_0
Board Buddha

Joined: July 14, 2005
Posts: 14456

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 07:12 PM

Get Yahoo messenger, and a cheap webcam. You can have face to face chats with your friends and family, even play a few games online. The video likely will be a little jerky, but the voice chat is FREE (no long distance charges). Microsoft IM, Skype, and others offer video and chat as well. Skype has great audio quality, sounds like you're in the same room with the person.

AxialAGE2

SuperStar

Joined: Apr 11, 2004
Posts: 1563

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 07:15 PM

go back to Oz for a week. it's only 10 hours away by flight.

Tigers12

Talker

Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 91

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 07:34 PM

Back to Oz for a week... sounds so simple when you put it that way. I would love to go back for a week and my workmate suggested that... but unfortunatly I forgot to plant my money tree so I am grounded in China for Christmas. Maybe I should start a 'send sarah back to australia' charity... I think my mum will be the biggest donor.

I will try skype... thanks.

AxialAGE2

SuperStar

Joined: Apr 11, 2004
Posts: 1563

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 07:42 PM

you've got any home videos? good for homesickness.

good4kicks

LoopKicker

Joined: Jan 20, 2004
Posts: 955

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 08:20 PM

It's interesting that you are homesick already. Research shows that expatriates are on a high for the first three months of any assignment before pulling back into a negative state of mind for the next three months after which their mood settles back at equilibrium point. Not a good sign if you are fretting already.

I am surprised to hear you say that you have awesome friends here after only 2 months. Must be very superficial friendships unless you knew these people before you got here.

Most foreigners don't last here long. By the time one has been here five years, they will find most people have come and gone, except for the Chinese[]. They only leave ocassionally if they can find a way out.

ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater

Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 08:29 PM

Quote:

Maybe I should start a 'send sarah back to australia' charity

Sarah, you may find a donor organization on JuLu Lu.

And use your vid-cam to its fullest money-making potential. Your online clientele can pay you via PayPal.

Quote:

How do you get over this?

The short term solution is a plane ride out.

The long term solution is either a rope or razorblade.

Otherwise, you don't really get over it, except by becoming cynical old fuqs like too many of the rest of us.

_________________
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth."

AxialAGE2

SuperStar

Joined: Apr 11, 2004
Posts: 1563

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 08:35 PM

good4kicks wrote:

I am surprised to hear you say that you have awesome friends here after only 2 months. Must be very superficial friendships unless you knew these people before you got here.
.

agreed.

Tigers12

Talker

Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 91

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 09:14 PM

Geezz... bit picky aren't we?
I settled in really very quickly and I think that's why I have gotten homesick so soon. I am settled into a day to day, week to week routine and the excitement of China has worn off.
But over analyzing my 'superficial' friendships and telling me I'm not going to last is NOT helping me... maybe take your pesemistic attitude to another forum unless you can help me. I don't plan on being depressed for my entire stay here... and I have every intention on riding out my contract here in China. I just wanted to know whether or not other people felt the same homesickness and how they over-came it.

And for your information, my friends here ARE awsome. They treat me like family and are so very welcoming... something that I think everyone here needs! So I am going to dinner now with my awsome friends so I can get over this homesickness bump in the road. Thank you!

ShanghaiUnderground
StreetBeater

Joined: July 15, 2004
Posts: 2413
Location: Shanghai

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 09:31 PM

You're welcome!

And good luck to you.

_________________
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth."

hammerforlife
Fire-eater

Joined: May 24, 2004
Posts: 2701

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 09:36 PM

Don't take the negative comments personally. Lots of people have their own agendas for posting here. I think if people (especially relatively young like yourself) don't feel homesick at all then there is probably something wrong. The culture in China is very different to what you have experienced before so it can be a shock, even if you like it. Very easy for me to say but just give it time. The best way to feel you belong somewhere is to make friends and you are doing that so just relax, it will get better.

Another tip. Remove this thread from the Chinese Culture discussions forum and put it in a forum that will appear on the front page. Many people just come to this forum to bitch and complain. You will get better responses elsewhere.

CoffeeHawk_0
Board Buddha

Joined: July 14, 2005
Posts: 14456

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 09:41 PM

how did you get settled in 2 months? I'm on week 8, still riding a high I suppose, but yesterday was my first trip to the post office...I have not had to deal with glue paste since I was 5! I really have no idea how to use any of the buttons on my telephone other than 0 thru 9, but I did figure out how the wsher/dryer works. I can navigate the streets and subways, but I still don't know how to politely shove like a bastard when entering a train during rush hour....fantastic way to meet people however.

I completely agree about making good Chinese friends quickly however. I am overwhelmed by their sincere desire to help, and it's very clear that once you're a friend you're always a friend. Their level of sharing and trust is amazing, although coming from the US does not make me a poster boy of goodwill and friendship (e.g. the general culture there vs. parts of Europe and Asia).

For those that don't immediately get in good with the locals, here's what I have been told: Americans are like peaches, Chinese are like coconuts. Americans are polite but not friendly, Chinese are friendly but not always polite. The first part points to many Americans being very friendly very quickly up until you hit their secret core, and that odd need for privacy once in a while (China's perspective). The Chinese are more like, if you are 'in', then you're all the way in (98% of the way in perhaps pending certain situations?), but if you can't crack the shell, then you're 'out'. When the locals start asking you all those personal questions about money, habits, family, etc., they're attempting to bring you 'in' and they will share all as they see you doing so. I did this. I accepted their questions and was 99.7% open with them, and I find myself 'in' easily. I suspect if I had been turned of by the frankness and nature of the initial questions, I would find myself on the outside. And like any family, once you're in, you're in with everyone.

Welcome to the Hotel China-fornia, you can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave....hehe

AxialAGE2

SuperStar

Joined: Apr 11, 2004
Posts: 1563

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 10:42 PM

Quote:

So I am going to dinner now with my awsome friends so I can get over this homesickness bump in the road.

how did it go? did it make you feel abit better?

pist-agn
Ranter
Ranter

Joined: Nov 16, 2004
Posts: 501
Location: Canada - soon to be Shanghai

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 10:44 PM

great post coffeehawk!!!

...lookiing forward to making some awesome friends in Shanghai and learning how to be an even better friend in return.

AxialAGE2

SuperStar

Joined: Apr 11, 2004
Posts: 1563

Status: Offline

Posted: Oct 31, 2005 - 10:53 PM

yeah, it is, with those statistically accurate '98%' and '99.7%'

*CheerLeader*Mao
Post Roaster

Joined: July 07, 2004
Posts: 4678
Location: frenCh belgiuM

Posted: Nov 01, 2005 - 12:16 PM

its pretty common these feelings you are having. after the initial excitement wears off you start to get the feelings of culture shock and homesickness. i had it both when i moved here and when i moved to australia.

you just get this sh1tty feelings of not having your close friends and family around, of not knowing where to go to get things and the familiarity causes a bit of fear reflex in the human mind....or homesickness.

Just take it day to day. i usually find a phone call home to friends is the best solution.

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good4kicks

LoopKicker

Joined: Jan 20, 2004
Posts: 955

Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 01, 2005 - 02:42 PM

Tigers12 wrote:

But over analyzing my 'superficial' friendships and telling me I'm not going to last is NOT helping me...

You misunderstood.

When I say most people don't last here long, I mean beyond their typical 2-3 year contract. So depending on how long your IBFs have been here for, they might start leaving soon.

Magnolia
Board Biatch

Joined: June 01, 2004
Posts: 31098

Posted: Nov 03, 2005 - 10:02 AM

Tigers12 - what you are going through is natural. Culture shock tends to happen in four phases, the honeymoon phase when you first arrive and everything is new; this is followed by the phase you are probably in now when the newness and freshness begins to wear off and you are faced with the reality but it doesn't seem as interesting as it did before and you wonder what you are doing here; the third phase is usually defined by learning to acclimate to your surroundings, to make a life here and not feel the pangs of homesickness as much; and, the fourth phase is really making a life here, it becomes like a home.

The phases last different lengths of time for different people. Usually just sticking it out works wonders. If you don't like cold weather, then you are probably also longing for the summer in AU rather than the dropping temps in Shanghai. You would be amazed at the effects of weather on the personality.

As others have suggested, try to stay in communication with friends and family back home. It's very important to keep the links with those who have known you before you moved here. That isn't too say that you shouldn't forge ahead with friendships here, just that you shouldn't forget how important the bonds from home. They will be there to help you out on tough days.

Your mother's suggestion of the wine and dvd's is actually one of the steps of phase three... take her advice and eventually you will be feeling a lot better about your choice to live here! Remember, just because there is an invitation to go somewhere, you don't have to accept if all you really want to do is chill out. Give yourself the time you need!

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mat

Board Royalty

Joined: Apr 26, 2004
Posts: 6978
Location: Loooooooooooose!
Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 03, 2005 - 02:45 PM

Assuming by your username you are a Richmond Tigers supporter? If so, you are welcome to come to Senses, have a VB or Coopers, or even some great Aussie wine and we can talk about the mighty Tigers and how dissapointing they are.

However, if you are a Rugby Manly Tigers fan, you can bugger off back to Sydney!

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AlliX

Ranter

Joined: Apr 25, 2005
Posts: 554
Location: shang-shady
Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 04, 2005 - 12:52 PM

We've been here 10 months and hate it more and more every day. We have good friends here too, other expats who are so fun and cool and have a terrific element of adventure for ever deciding to come out to this nightmare city. It's so good to have people to talk to here to commiserate and help out.

Yet it still sucks despite that. But we keep telling ourselves that living through the 7th circle of hell does build character and if you can live here you can pretty much live anywhere. It also has given us such a perspective on our own Westerm Civ. and just how superie..........aww, I won't bother. I'll just get flamed.

Just keep telling yourself, you are here for the money, for the money, for the money......

dfoo

Post Roaster

Joined: Jan 19, 2005
Posts: 4140

Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 04, 2005 - 03:24 PM

Just to provide a counterpoint to Mr. Doomandgloom... I'm here for the fun, fun, fun. The adventure, adventure, adventure. I love Shanghai. What a great place! I can work whereever I like in the world. Right now I choose Shanghai.

good4kicks

LoopKicker

Joined: Jan 20, 2004
Posts: 955

Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 05, 2005 - 01:50 PM

AlliX wrote:

We've been here 10 months and hate it more and more every day...............

But we keep telling ourselves that living through the 7th circle of hell does build character and if you can live here you can pretty much live anywhere. It also has given us such a perspective on our own Westerm Civ.

Try counting the years and see how depressed you get.

It certainly does build character. It makes you appreciate civilised society, hygiene, good food, teaches what bad driving really is, etc. To walk down the street and smell flowers in bloom or the sea breeze instead of the smell of butt that permeates the air in China. The list goes on forever. When I go back home and listen to someone bitch about how they had to spend 15 minutes in a bank to sort something out, I long to have such efficiency and modernity in this shiithole.

kappakai

Raver

Joined: Apr 04, 2005
Posts: 417

Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 06, 2005 - 10:10 PM

yah, the first time i lived in shanghai was back in 91. you wanna talk shithole?? being in a dump really makes you appreciate what you have, and you take less for granted. this time around, i'm loving shanghai, cause i know how bad it was back then (soap in cong you bing??) but really, you start appreciating the small things, like wandering around B&Q for hours on end, admiring all the shower heads moen has for sale. or watching with amusement when people are playing dice in bars. or really being able to live an upper class life on what's a paycheck to paycheck pay back home. it definitely gets boring here every now and then, especially if you're like me, living in pudong. but you work during the week, and live it up on the weekends. it's definitely not like home, but that's when you learn to lower your expectations, and try not to get disappointed. iot's not like australia, it's not like california, and it's not like europe. china is its own thing. expect nothing, and its the greatest place on earth. expect good driving and world class food and you'll fal flat on your face everytime.

as for homesickness, yah... call home, e-mail your buddies, but really, just try to get out here. the sooner that you accept this is home, the easier it gets. i've been here for two months now, and yah, i think about home a lot; but at the same time, there's excitement in trying to eek out a life here. i miss the hell out of some fried chicken and collard greens, but when you get home after your assignment, you're going to miss xiao long bao and da bing, and elbows to the back of the head at the xujiahui subway stop.

welcome to the expat life.

shanghaiceltic

Board Royalty

Joined: Sep 20, 2005
Posts: 7625
Location: Perth WA
Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 09, 2005 - 04:59 PM

Been here nearly 6 years and even after all the adjustments you can still get homesick. Sorry but Christmas is coming and for many ex-pats who aren't headed home that is one of the worst times of the year.

Having good friends certainly helps, as does getting out and not moping around. Look at the plus side of things rather than the negatives.

When I lived in Japan I was already a Japanese speaker but it did not prevent the culture shock hitting me for 2-3 months after my first 3 months. A combination of long working hours and recalcitrant Japanese customers. I went through it and it was then OK.

Everyone has to deal with the culture shock thing at some time, talk to your other mates and see what they did.

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boomtown

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