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Henry_Chinaski
Board Lord
Joined: Aug 16, 2003
Posts: 5025
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  Posted:
Sep 02, 2006 - 07:12 PM |
 
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| Post subject: This is a joke. |
Ha.
Let me get started.
Golf jokes:
me from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Another one:
Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Please continue.... |
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GC
The Ginger Prince
Joined: Dec 01, 2003
Posts: 21536
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| Posted:
Sep 02, 2006 - 07:39 PM |
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A husband and wife are playing golf and the guy decides to come clean and admit to his wife that he cheated on her during their marriage. She takes the news fairly well and they continue playing a few more holes. She suddenly turns to him and says she has also been living a lie and had previously been a man before have the op 15 years before.
The husband is furious and starts shouting and bawling. When the wife points out he had also lied to her he replied, " i dont give a **** about that but for 15 years you have been playing off the ladies tees".
HC, should we really continue. |
_________________
You turned on the lights, Fuelled U boats by night, That's how you repay us, It's time to go home. |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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Sep 03, 2006 - 09:20 AM |
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A cat goes to Heaven (G)
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best! |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/
Last edited by Nathalie25 on Sep 03, 2006 - 09:24 AM; edited 2 times in total |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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| Posted:
Sep 03, 2006 - 09:22 AM |
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True story - read the story - THEN look at the pictures.
"My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).
When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her.
She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. It was November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had."
- Gas in car to go to groomers - $4.50
- Cat car carrier - $32.99
- Grooming fee - $80.00
- Getting the look from one seriously pissed off cat - Priceless! |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Pablo_Picasso
Board Royalty
Joined: May 05, 2006
Posts: 6715
Location: Spain you bloody idiots.
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Sep 03, 2006 - 09:29 AM |
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_________________
Well some people try to pick up girls And get called assholes This never happened to Pablo Picasso |
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CoffeeHawk_0
Board Buddha
Joined: July 14, 2005
Posts: 14444
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Sep 03, 2006 - 09:50 AM |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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Sep 03, 2006 - 03:09 PM |
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Pablo_Picasso
Board Royalty
Joined: May 05, 2006
Posts: 6715
Location: Spain you bloody idiots.
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Sep 03, 2006 - 05:44 PM |
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Got any vids of people setting light to their farts? |
_________________
Well some people try to pick up girls And get called assholes This never happened to Pablo Picasso |
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pixelpunter
StreetBeater
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 2199
Status: Offline
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Sep 04, 2006 - 01:06 AM |
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A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shiit? |
_________________
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it. |
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pixelpunter
StreetBeater
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 2199
Status: Offline
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Sep 04, 2006 - 01:32 AM |
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....(edited due to chinabounders post mysteriously disappearing)  |
_________________
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it. |
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CoffeeHawk_0
Board Buddha
Joined: July 14, 2005
Posts: 14444
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Sep 04, 2006 - 09:00 AM |
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A man and his wife are driving down the highway having a fight over the
husband sleeping with another woman. The wife takes out a knife and cuts of the
man's winky and throws it out the window. The winky splats onto the windshield of
the car that is following and rolls off. The 14 year old girl riding with her
dad says "What was that Dad?" The father says "It was just a bug honey". The
daughter replies "Wow Dad, that bug sure had a big winky". |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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Sep 04, 2006 - 09:36 AM |
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FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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Sep 04, 2006 - 09:52 AM |
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It's 8 a.m. at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the crap table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on the roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I am bottomless."
They both nod yes, and With that she strips naked from the waist down and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of panties!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!" |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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Sep 04, 2006 - 09:53 AM |
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
~~
Editor's note: No, it's not true, so don't go forwarding it to your boss at the car park. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Pablo_Picasso
Board Royalty
Joined: May 05, 2006
Posts: 6715
Location: Spain you bloody idiots.
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Sep 04, 2006 - 09:54 AM |
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A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fcuk, and then you disappear." |
_________________
Well some people try to pick up girls And get called assholes This never happened to Pablo Picasso |
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pixelpunter
StreetBeater
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 2199
Status: Offline
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Sep 05, 2006 - 11:30 AM |
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Here are some handy tips for every day.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work, not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. |
_________________
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it. |
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pixelpunter
StreetBeater
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 2199
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Sep 05, 2006 - 11:40 AM |
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something tells me that Henry will appreciate this
The Best Chain Letter Ever
Hello, my name is Lewis and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding
50 billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to
have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
What a bunch of bullfeces.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
F*ck 'em.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends,
and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't **** care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your
own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant
for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and
will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.
P.S. Send me 15 bucks. |
_________________
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it. |
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bellabella
Gypsy Queen
Joined: Aug 03, 2004
Posts: 14989
Location: London
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Sep 05, 2006 - 11:51 AM |
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iara
Veejay
Joined: June 09, 2006
Posts: 2072
Location: brazil-shanghai
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Sep 05, 2006 - 12:11 PM |
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If you are a sensitive person, don't read it!!hehe
I young guy has AIDS, months after he went to see a doctor, the doctor cross by his mom, then asked her:
- how is your son? is he better? I did not see him anymore...
-oh, he is fine!! we give him all the medicines he needs, a lot of love, kindness, and pizza!
Then, few days later, the same doctor meets the guy's father and asked the same question:
- I just met your wife and she told me your son is doing well! isn't he?
- Yes, he is just fine!! we are giving him the medications, a lot of love, kindness, and pizza!!
"oh, this boy really must love pizza!!" - doctor thought
- One week later, doctor meets the guy's sister, and again:
- I'd speak with your parents and they told me about your brother.I'm so glad that he is fine, but the strange thing is that they told me they are giving him medications, love, but what about the pizza??? he really must love pizza!!
- Doc., pizza is the only food that goes under my brother's bedroom's door!!!
 ok, I know...not funny!! |
_________________
I'm my husband slave! always! |
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bellabella
Gypsy Queen
Joined: Aug 03, 2004
Posts: 14989
Location: London
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Sep 05, 2006 - 12:14 PM |
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sorry Iara I don't get why this is funny  |
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iara
Veejay
Joined: June 09, 2006
Posts: 2072
Location: brazil-shanghai
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| Posted:
Sep 05, 2006 - 12:26 PM |
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it's called black humor ...
I know, not funny... |
_________________
I'm my husband slave! always! |
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iara
Veejay
Joined: June 09, 2006
Posts: 2072
Location: brazil-shanghai
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Sep 05, 2006 - 12:32 PM |
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ok, Bellabella, try this one:
two men were talking about logic.The second one doesn't know what logic was, so the first try to explain:
- Do you have an aquarium at home?
- yes.
- So, you must like fishes...
- yes I do.
- If you like fishes, you must like mermaids...
- I think I do...
- and, if you like mermaids, of course you like women!!
- YES!! Of course!!
- See???? this is logic: fish-> mermaid->woman!! understood???
- of course I did!!
Then minutes later the man that did not know about logic, meet another friend and asked him:
- do you know what is logic???
- no I don't...
- Let me explain you then...Do you have an aquarium at home??
- no, I don't...
- So, you are gay...this is logic!!! |
_________________
I'm my husband slave! always! |
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bellabella
Gypsy Queen
Joined: Aug 03, 2004
Posts: 14989
Location: London
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Sep 05, 2006 - 12:53 PM |
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| iara wrote: |
it's called black humor ...
I know, not funny... |
oh i can find black humour funny, but i don't see the joke there. Is he too sick to open his door? or what? I just don't get the joke!
The second one is kind of funny though! |
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iara
Veejay
Joined: June 09, 2006
Posts: 2072
Location: brazil-shanghai
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| Posted:
Sep 05, 2006 - 12:58 PM |
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no, is because they locked him inside the bedroom, and pizza is thin enough to get under the door, so they don't have to open it!
and they told the doc. that they are giving him a lot of love and kindness... |
_________________
I'm my husband slave! always! |
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pixelpunter
StreetBeater
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
Posts: 2199
Status: Offline
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Sep 05, 2006 - 12:59 PM |
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I think his parents have disowned him because he has AIDS and locked him in his room, or they are afraid of opening the door for fear of contracting it themselves. It's very lame. |
_________________
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it. |
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