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theAutumn45
Rocker
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Joined: Oct 28, 2005
Posts: 796

Posted: Nov 15, 2006 - 05:21 PM
Post subject: Joke Exchange

I consider laugh essential to our daily life, and you and me equally laughable beings. I have accumulated many good jokes. I would like to share and to exchange with you. To share a good joke is for the sake of laughing to make our bad day not as unbearable, not as a bashing tool shooting at each other for whatever the reasons. Therefore, I started this topic called “Joke Exchange”, and wish you all would contribute, no matter your are Chinese, English, American, Canadian, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Russian or any other nationalities I forgot to mention.

To the Moderator of this forum:

I wish you would let this one stay with the Chinese Culture discussions. Hopefully, it will lessen the flame.

theAutumn45
Rocker
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Joined: Oct 28, 2005
Posts: 796

Posted: Nov 15, 2006 - 05:26 PM

This is an old joke, likly originated from Canada. At that time Canada had discovered two mad cows. And China has changed for the better since then.

SOCIALISM:

You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:

You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:

You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:

You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a
clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

A GREEK CORPORATION:

You have two cows. U rent them out to Indian tourists for worship
while on holidays.

A CANADIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Both are mad.

L-A

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Joined: Oct 29, 2006
Posts: 48

Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 15, 2006 - 06:56 PM

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and walks out. everybody is shocked. panda, you re symbol of peace why, why did you do that??? Panda shrugs, pulls out an encyclopaedia and reads - panda eats, shoots, and leaves.

Kiwi

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Joined: May 07, 2003
Posts: 4763

Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 15, 2006 - 11:32 PM

Again autumn45, I have to confess to finding your 'joke' rather unfunny. I don't even think it is a joke as such. It has no puchline. It is just one of those humorous e-mails go circulating round the Internet ad-infinitum with slight variations. You couldn't tell that joke to a friend.

Another (possibly Chinese) joke. . .

I have no idea where this joke comes from. I think it might be Chinese because I've only ever heard it in Chinese, once from a friend, and once when the scenario was included in one of the old Aces Go Places movies*.

A guy is driving along through the countryside in his car when he realizes he has a flat tire. He pulls over and gets out to change the tyre. He happens to have stopped outside a lunatic asylum. He jacks the car up, then unscrews the nuts from the wheel and carefully lines them up on the tarmac, then removes the flat tyre, then puts the new tyre on, then goes to screw the nuts back on. At that point he realises that he had carelessly put the nuts down on the edge of a storm drain, and they have somehow rolled into the drain while he was working. At any rate, the four nuts are now in down in the drain. Damn! He starts wondering how to fish them out. They are behind a metal grate, and a foot or two below the surface of the road. He tries to lift the grate but it is firmly locked in place. Then he figures he might be able to hook them up using a stick, so he grabs a suitable stick from the side of the road and starts fishing away. An inmate on a walk happens by at this point, dressed in his institutional smock (not quite a straitjacket but definitely looney gear), squats down, and begins intently watching. It takes the driver a moment to sense this new presence, but after a little while he looks up. The mental patient asks the driver what he's doing and the driver explains his awkward predicament. The mental patient thinks for a second and says: "Well why don't you unscrew one nut from each of the three good wheels. Then you'll have three nuts to put on the problem wheel. Three nuts on each wheel will be safe to drive to the nearest garage where you buy four new nuts." "My God!" the driver exclaims "You're might be a mental patient but you're a genius!" "Yes. That's because I'm mad, not stupid." replies the mental patient.

* Aces Go Places was a cool series of incredibly stupid yet entertaining Hong Kong movies from in the 80s. They even shot one in New Zealand. It had an improbably low speed car chase on Tamaki Drive in Auckland, a shoot out with busty, blonde, but inept female assasins, and a car smashing through a wall and into a restaurant right where I used to catch the bus home from uni.

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SHBoor

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Posted: Nov 16, 2006 - 09:44 AM

L-A wrote:

LMAO. This is a funny one.

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lucyna

Veejay

Joined: Aug 03, 2006
Posts: 2166

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Posted: Nov 16, 2006 - 10:45 AM

SHBoor wrote:

L-A wrote:

LMAO. This is a funny one.

I can't see what's funny in the joke.

theAutumn45
Rocker
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Joined: Oct 28, 2005
Posts: 796

Posted: Nov 16, 2006 - 10:57 AM
Post subject: Doctor's visit

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

L-A

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Joined: Oct 29, 2006
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Posted: Nov 16, 2006 - 11:08 AM

lucyna wrote:

SHBoor wrote:

L-A wrote:

LMAO. This is a funny one.

I can't see what's funny in the joke.

mm.. i think its funny..

lucyna

Veejay

Joined: Aug 03, 2006
Posts: 2166

Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 16, 2006 - 02:44 PM

L-A wrote:

lucyna wrote:

SHBoor wrote:

L-A wrote:

LMAO. This is a funny one.

I can't see what's funny in the joke.

mm.. i think its funny..

Then tell me what's so funny in it.

L-A

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Posted: Nov 16, 2006 - 05:35 PM

i think its a bit stupid to explain jokes. we might have different kind of humor. thats it.

Kiwi

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Posts: 4763

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Posted: Nov 17, 2006 - 03:45 AM

If she can't understand an explanation might help. A different kind of humor isn't likely to be the reason she doesn't understand.

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L-A

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Posted: Nov 17, 2006 - 07:48 AM

Kiwi wrote:

If she can't understand an explanation might help. A different kind of humor isn't likely to be the reason she doesn't understand.

well the joke is not difficalt to understand, right, i think she just doesnt find it funny. ok then.

SHBoor

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Joined: May 22, 2006
Posts: 297

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Posted: Nov 17, 2006 - 10:47 AM

L-A wrote:

Kiwi wrote:

If she can't understand an explanation might help. A different kind of humor isn't likely to be the reason she doesn't understand.

well the joke is not difficalt to understand, right, i think she just doesnt find it funny. ok then.

No, she probably just don't understand it. The panda joke is funny due to misinterpretation.

"Panda shrugs, pulls out an encyclopaedia and reads - panda eats, shoots, and leaves."

Clearly, the original sentence should be "panda eats shoots and leaves", if I'm not mistaken. Here shoots stands for buds, and leaves stand for the plural form of leaf. The panda inserted commas and shoots and leaves can be interpretated as verbs.

Yes, it's stupid to explain a joke. But I have to do that because my azz is already off my body but lucyna still stands there, asking "Are you OK? What happened to your azz? What are you laughing at?" I have to prove to her that I'm not mad.

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theAutumn45
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Joined: Oct 28, 2005
Posts: 796

Posted: Nov 17, 2006 - 11:25 AM

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed
by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out
there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome.
Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money,
money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world when all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?

Kiwi

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Posts: 4763

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Posted: Nov 17, 2006 - 11:43 AM

Hillarious. . .

I hate 'jokes' like the above. They cater to the lowest common denominator. Mish-mash lists of humorous variations on a theme rely on the principle that any individual reader will hopefully find at least one or two items in the list amusing. This is a sort of carpet bombing approach to humor, where 90% of the bombs fail to explode.

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rayfish
LoopKicker

Joined: June 11, 2006
Posts: 985

Posted: Nov 17, 2006 - 11:59 AM

tick, tick, tick....

BONNIE
Veejay
Veejay

Joined: June 17, 2005
Posts: 1890
Location: Amsterdam/Shanghai

Posted: Nov 17, 2006 - 04:52 PM

I like this -:

sheepdip_200.gif

Description:

Filesize:

30.2 KB

Viewed:

3979 Time(s)

theAutumn45
Rocker
Rocker

Joined: Oct 28, 2005
Posts: 796

Posted: Nov 18, 2006 - 12:22 AM

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

KIWI

I hate the chicken! They only cater to the lowest denominator. Why did the chicken have to cross the road? They should have stayed on this side of the road and laid the eggs. Wait, let me find out if there are any bones in these chicken eggs after you cook them.

在鸡蛋裡挑骨头！

Hi, we’re not comedy writer, just to share some good laugh after a good /bad day’s work.

Last edited by theAutumn45 on Nov 18, 2006 - 08:08 AM; edited 1 time in total

theAutumn45
Rocker
Rocker

Joined: Oct 28, 2005
Posts: 796

Posted: Nov 18, 2006 - 12:25 AM

BONNIE wrote:

I like this -:

I like yours Laughing

theAutumn45
Rocker
Rocker

Joined: Oct 28, 2005
Posts: 796

Posted: Nov 18, 2006 - 09:02 AM

Dear Tech Support,

2 years ago I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance - particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.5, MLB 3.0, NBA 4.0, NASCAR 4.2 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

*************************************************************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command:

"http//www.I-Thought-You-Loved-Me.com" and try to download Tears 6.2, and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory, and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good luck --- Tech Support
P.S. Let me know if you need a techical menu

Kiwi

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Posts: 4763

Status: Offline

Posted: Nov 18, 2006 - 11:21 AM

theAutumn45 wrote:

It is obvious you are not a comedy writer.

I also have a feeling you didn't fully understand the Gary Larson cartoon above. From your own taste in jokes I know that you don't require a punchline to find a joke funny. Therefore you would be likely to find the Gary Larson cartoon very amusing even without understanding the pun around which it is structured. I doubt you know enough about farming terminology in English to get the pun in that cartoon (I don't know the equivalent Chinese terminology, but I doubt it uses a word related to dip).

When you think about it this is quite interesting.

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lalaabc321

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Posts: 2001

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Posted: Nov 18, 2006 - 11:30 AM

lucyna wrote:

L-A wrote:

lucyna wrote:

SHBoor wrote:

L-A wrote:

LMAO. This is a funny one.

I can't see what's funny in the joke.

mm.. i think its funny..

Then tell me what's so funny in it.

shoots = bamboo

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lalaabc321

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Posts: 2001

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Posted: Nov 18, 2006 - 11:31 AM

theAutumn45 wrote:

it was funny

i like canadians

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deppy
Reacher
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Joined: July 12, 2006
Posts: 333

Posted: Nov 21, 2006 - 12:55 AM

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

mulffett
Reacher
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Joined: Apr 17, 2006
Posts: 240
Location: Shanghai

Posted: Nov 21, 2006 - 08:57 AM

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
"Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked. "Love" The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said." How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

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