A few for the Friday

Shanghai Expat Forum Index » Community Discussion Forums » Shanghai Open Chat

Author

Message

Andreas
Board Royalty

Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6408
Location: 31 N 121 E

Posted: Mar 09, 2007 - 10:31 AM
Post subject: A few for the Friday

Considerate Parents

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature
and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother and
immediately begins to speak.

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I will take charge. I
will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life".

He continues, "additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank
account".

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
£4,000,000 bank account".

"If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However,
if there is a miscarriage I am not sure what I should do, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girl's father who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

Number 2

GEORDIE JOKE

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid"
convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to
prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer
please ?"
Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage.
Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza
says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him
another chance!"
Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and
global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So
he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds Gazza eventually says, "Ninety?" Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands
shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2?"
Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a
whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd
stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Joke No 3

Subject: James Bond

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually
looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late ?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch & I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch ? What's so
special about it ?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now ?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing knickers !"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues!