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yjitdyk@yahoo.com
Newbie
Joined: June 30, 2007
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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 Posted:
June 30, 2007 - 02:54 PM |
 
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| Post subject: Funny E-mails |
At 12:45 on Wednesday morning a major Atlantic monsoon unexpectedly
hit the city and area of Greater Belfast. The flood decimated the
area causing an estimated £30 million of damage, with the exception
of Sandy Row and Ardoyne where approximately £ 375,000 of
improvements were made.
Untold damage and distress was caused, with many woken before their
Giros arrived. Several priceless collections of momentos from
Millisle and the Spanish Costa's were damaged and three areas of
historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
A mural of King Billy was destroyed up tha shankill as was one of
some oul-doll gurning, on the Falls. Thousands are confused that
something other than political madness has shaken Belfast.
One survivor Tracey-Anne Jordan Johnston, a 17-year-old mother of
three told us "I near keeked maself. Our Britney-Fairybell came
gurning into the room this morning. The chyle was in an awful state.
My youngest ones, Chelsea-Jo and Justin-Keanu slept through it all,
so they did.
I was still shakin' watchin 'Trisha' - you know what I mean like.
It's awful so it is. All my wooden floors and rugs are wrecked and
me ma is raging, cos she only give me a lend of them. I can't get
the houl of the Housin' Executive for til fix them. They've only
been fixed for a week after me and him had a row. I've lost me
fegs and everything - its terrible so it is.
Look at the state of my hair.
Apparently in the west of the city widespread joyriding and looting
carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to
ship 400 crates of beer into the area to help with the
grief-stricken, but they were stoned, bricked and petrol bombed as
they left the area.
Rescue workers still searching through the rubble have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and
jewellery from Argos and the 1/2 price jewellers. They claim that
the death toll would have been significantly higher had the Bru been
open at the time.
HOW YOU CAN HELP:
Clothing is most sought after - Items required include: Sovereign
rings, Cladagh ear-rings, Burberry baseball caps, white socks, Tesco
two-stripe trainers, white track suits, chunky gold chains.
FOOD PARCELS ARE ALSO URGENTLY REQUIRED.
Required foodstuffs include: beer, frozen burgers, beer, lard, beer,
deep fried Mars bars, beer, Tayto cheese n' onion, beer, Chinese
takeaways and KEY-BABS!!
REMEMBER - EVERY LITTLE HELPS.....
25p will buy a biro pen to fill in a claim form.
£1.95 will buy an All-Day Ulsterbus ticket to enable victims to
travel from the Bru to the Post Office to McDonalds to the Wine
Store.
£20 will take a family to Ballymena for the day where the children
can sniff glue and skin-up.
£15 will buy fish suppers and an E for a family of 4.
PLEASE DONATE GENEROUSLY!! |
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yjitdyk@yahoo.com
Newbie
Joined: June 30, 2007
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
June 30, 2007 - 02:58 PM |
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yjitdyk@yahoo.com
Newbie
Joined: June 30, 2007
Posts: 3
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
June 30, 2007 - 03:03 PM |
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> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
> meaning of this?"
> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
> Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her
> duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
> persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
>
> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
> employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
> censors, lest it be considered racist."
>
> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
> smoke-free working environments."
> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
> mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking."
> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
> ........... full speed ahead."
> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
> stretch of water."
> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
> history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
> please."
>
> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
> Nelson: "What?"
> Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
> and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
> anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
>
> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
> Admiral."
> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
> environment for the differently abled."
> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
> even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
> by playing the disability card."
>
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
> the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
>
> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
> let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
> anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
>
> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
> the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
> charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
> legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
>
> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
> Nelson: "We're not?"
> Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
> now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
> this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
>
> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
> saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
>
> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
> King."
> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
> age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
> life"
>
> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
> sodomy and the lash?"
> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
> corporal punishment."
> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
> Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy." |
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