What is Canada Day?

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SXD

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Posted: June 30, 2007 - 10:45 PM
Post subject: What is Canada Day?

Canada Day is a celebration of the successful conclusion of The Canadian Civil War.

Considered to be the most serious uprising in the young nation's history, the Canadian Civil War was in fact, a bar fight consisting of about half a dozen men, somewhere on the outskirts of Queenston Heights, the same place where Laura Secord (of Laura Secord chocolates fame) awakened our toops from a drunken stupor, so they could fend off an American invasion in 1812.

The Civil War ended abruptly, when a lost American soldier staggered into the bar holding a case of Moosehead beer. He was immediately set upon and placed under citizens' arrest. His alcohol was confiscated and he was promptly exiled back across the Niagara River in a Birch-bark canoe.

Later on, an enterprising brigade of Americans came back over the border in search of their lost case of Moosehead beer. Not being able to find it and hopelessly lost in the vast swamplands of lower Canada; they accidentily burned down the entire city of Toronto while lighting a fire in a vacant storage shed in which they had holed up for the night.

In retaliation, a Canadian raiding party was sent south in search of the Moosehead brewery's main competitor; the American-owned "White Horse" Alcohol and Spirits Co. Ltd. Weary from the long journey, the brigade captain mistook the spelling of the word "Horse"! And as we all know, due to this very unfortunate series of events, regrettably, the White House was burned to the ground. Finding no signs of alcohol or beer bottles in the aftermath, the Canadians became disoriented and headed South, where they established a new colony in what is now known as the State of Florida, which pretty much remains the property of Canada to this very day.

And so... on July 1st of every year, Canadians break out their Moosehead, Sleeman Cream Ale, as well as traditional favorites such as Labatt 50 and Molson OV, throw the chillun's in the backyard pool, a few steaks on the barbee and bust out the horseshoes and lawn darts for the beginning of a 2 month long festival of non-stop hillbilly fun.

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