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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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 Posted:
May 30, 2008 - 10:22 AM |
 
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Cat Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,
and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer."
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage....
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am
certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6332
Location: 31 N 121 E
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June 06, 2008 - 10:45 AM |
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... |
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If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6332
Location: 31 N 121 E
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June 06, 2008 - 10:46 AM |
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A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his manliness, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'. |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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June 06, 2008 - 08:49 PM |
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~~~~~~~~ |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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alex-hk
SuperStar
Joined: Apr 21, 2003
Posts: 1419
Location: in there.
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June 06, 2008 - 10:34 PM |
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"You are what you eat" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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(L)FrogGuo |
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Lordlunchalot
SuperStar
Joined: Apr 23, 2007
Posts: 1375
Status: Offline
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June 17, 2008 - 04:21 PM |
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Its not Friday but I will forget to post it by then.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning back against the headboard smoking a cigarette.
The egg rolls over grabbing the sheets and says with a pissed off tone, "Well, I guess we answered that question!" |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6332
Location: 31 N 121 E
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June 17, 2008 - 04:25 PM |
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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!" |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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SirFiddler
Board Legend
Joined: Mar 30, 2004
Posts: 11432
Location: Very close to a bottle of chilled Boags
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June 17, 2008 - 04:27 PM |
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A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , 'I've sent a>dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse'.
Sure enough the dwarf turns up.
Dwarf asks 'I want to buy a horth'
The owner asks him 'Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?'
The Dwarf replies 'A female horth'
The owner shows him a Mare.
'Nithe Horth' says the Dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?' The owner picks up the
Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.
Nithe eyth' says the Dwarf 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks
up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?' The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is
getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the
horses ears.
'Nithe eerth,' he says 'Can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up
the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him
there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.
'Perhaps I should rephrathe that' said the Dwarf, 'can I see her wun
awound?' |
_________________
Beer...Soooo much more than just breakfast www.justbeer.cn |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6332
Location: 31 N 121 E
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June 17, 2008 - 04:34 PM |
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_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6332
Location: 31 N 121 E
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June 17, 2008 - 04:38 PM |
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Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was now
visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots
out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.
"F*cken great country this!" said Van, deeply impressed. "We'd never
get away with that at home! |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Dazza
Low Seater
Joined: Feb 02, 2006
Posts: 3027
Location: In the city of cold steel
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June 17, 2008 - 05:31 PM |
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and g oes out into th e pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk. |
_________________
If the musics too loud then you are too old! |
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Swiss-James
StreetBeater
Joined: Jan 05, 2007
Posts: 2429
Status: Offline
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June 17, 2008 - 06:10 PM |
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A friend of mine tried to talk to me into going to a party tonight. "Come on," he said, "you might meet the woman of your dreams."
I said no. I'm not sure I want to be seen in public with that filthy slut. |
_________________
My blog is working again now- which I'm sure is an enormous relief to everyone. |
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SirFiddler
Board Legend
Joined: Mar 30, 2004
Posts: 11432
Location: Very close to a bottle of chilled Boags
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June 18, 2008 - 04:00 AM |
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A blonde moves to Beverly Hills, hoping to find an acting job. After a couple weeks with no luck, she decides to go around to some of the rich people's houses and see if she can do some odd jobs for them to make a little money. She finally goes to one house, and a guy and his wife come to the door. "Sure, I have a job for you," says the guy, "You can paint my porch. How much money do you want?" The blonde thinks about it and says "I can do it in less than an hour. Twenty bucks!"
The guy says "Fine, there's a gallon can of paint and a brush in the garage, let me know when you're finished." So off she goes to the garage.
The guy's wife says to him "Fred, that wasn't fair, you tricked the poor girl. She doesn't realize the porch runs around the corner all down the west side of the house to the deck. It'll take her the whole day!"
"Too bad!," he says, "Maybe that dumb blonde will learn a lesson."
An hour later, the blonde is at the door again: "All Finished! And I had enough paint to put on a second coat! Oh, and by the way: that's a Ferrari you have there, not a Porsche. Duuhhhhh!" |
_________________
Beer...Soooo much more than just breakfast www.justbeer.cn |
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GC
The Ginger Prince
Joined: Dec 01, 2003
Posts: 21531
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June 18, 2008 - 06:23 AM |
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| SirFiddler wrote: |
A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , 'I've sent a>dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse'.
Sure enough the dwarf turns up.
Dwarf asks 'I want to buy a horth'
The owner asks him 'Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?'
The Dwarf replies 'A female horth'
The owner shows him a Mare.
'Nithe Horth' says the Dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?' The owner picks up the
Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.
Nithe eyth' says the Dwarf 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks
up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?' The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is
getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the
horses ears.
'Nithe eerth,' he says 'Can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up
the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him
there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.
'Perhaps I should rephrathe that' said the Dwarf, 'can I see her wun
awound?' |
LOL |
_________________
You turned on the lights, Fuelled U boats by night, That's how you repay us, It's time to go home. |
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oh_the_darkness
Fire-eater
Joined: Apr 17, 2008
Posts: 2528
Status: Offline
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June 20, 2008 - 11:07 AM |
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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”.
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.” |
_________________
And you may ask yourself Am I right? ...am I wrong? And you may tell yourself My god!...what have I done? |
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crivens200
Raver
Joined: Nov 05, 2007
Posts: 405
Status: Offline
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June 23, 2008 - 08:48 PM |
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A man is cupping one hand to scoop water from a Scottish Highland burn.
The Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's shite an' pish!!!
The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me?
The game keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you get more in that way! |
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YorkshireKing
StreetBeater
Joined: Mar 16, 2007
Posts: 2355
Location: Loooooooooooooooooose in Luwan
Status: Offline
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June 27, 2008 - 08:38 PM |
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Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all discussing families,
Englishman says "my son was born on St Georges Day, So I Proudly called him George".
Scotsman says "What a coincidence, my son was born on St Andrews Day so I Patriotically called him Andrew".
Irishman says "I don't Fecking believe this, wait till I tell our Pancake" |
_________________
Where were you while we were getting high? |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6332
Location: 31 N 121 E
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June 27, 2008 - 09:31 PM |
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10 signs you might be a Taliban
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $1,500 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look big?'
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean. |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6332
Location: 31 N 121 E
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June 30, 2008 - 01:34 PM |
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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says:
"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!" |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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June 30, 2008 - 05:09 PM |
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The cat's chalkboard assignments
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear
9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea
10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.
11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage. |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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mat
Board Royalty
Joined: Apr 26, 2004
Posts: 6937
Location: Loooooooooooose!
Status: Offline
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July 03, 2008 - 02:15 PM |
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sienna
Low Seater
Joined: July 17, 2006
Posts: 3420
Location: kiss my ass
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July 03, 2008 - 02:40 PM |
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Mat, that is a bit derogatory, apparently you have not much respect for women ey? im a bit disappointed. |
_________________
 <-- a different girly Shanghai blog |
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Reg_Reagan
StreetBeater
Joined: July 18, 2006
Posts: 2400
Location: Friggin' Cessnock...
Status: Offline
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July 03, 2008 - 02:44 PM |
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Friggin hell woman. aren't youse supposed to be.....hard for me to say the word....WORKING or somefink?
Reg |
_________________
Go and get stuffed the lot of youse... now get me a KB woman... |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6332
Location: 31 N 121 E
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July 03, 2008 - 03:51 PM |
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| sienna wrote: |
| Mat, that is a bit derogatory, apparently you have not much respect for women ey? im a bit disappointed. |
So how do you keep the sand out???? |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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mat
Board Royalty
Joined: Apr 26, 2004
Posts: 6937
Location: Loooooooooooose!
Status: Offline
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July 03, 2008 - 03:59 PM |
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oh sh1t. i shouldn't laugh, but bloody hell. That's funny. |
_________________
www.justbeer.cn Get Loooooooose! |
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