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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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 Posted:
Aug 10, 2007 - 12:40 PM |
 
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| Post subject: One for the Friday |
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!" |
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If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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bougie
Board Buddha
Joined: Nov 20, 2004
Posts: 13323
Location: Wuhan Hubei China
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Aug 10, 2007 - 12:43 PM |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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| Posted:
Aug 10, 2007 - 12:55 PM |
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An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?
"At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says, "You root her again" |
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If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Aug 10, 2007 - 12:58 PM |
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People. |
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If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Aug 10, 2007 - 12:59 PM |
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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriouiouously?"
(burping) "Yup."
"Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment in silence.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For f**k's sake you w**ker, it's ten past three in the f**king morning!" |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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| Posted:
Aug 10, 2007 - 12:59 PM |
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40 Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in.
He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in.
A short while later St Peter went to see God and said "They've gone!"
God replied, "What, the Pikeys"?
"No the F*cking gates"!!!! |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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mrpango
Low Seater
Joined: Jan 26, 2007
Posts: 3274
Status: Offline
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Aug 10, 2007 - 01:01 PM |
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Lovin' it lol. Great Friday afternoons!  |
_________________
Well, may as well start a blog http://www.sinocracy.com/ - click at your leisure! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Aug 10, 2007 - 01:04 PM |
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Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know
everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of
his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Colin and
his boss fly out to Hollywoodand knock on Tom Cruise's door, and
sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house,
he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him,
let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots
Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and
your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts
to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope,"
his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've
known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his
boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Squarewhen Colin says, "This
will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into
the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on
the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has
had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to
his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up
and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony,
and the man next to me said, "Who the f**k is that on the balcony with
Colin?" |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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MaYiKo
Lurker
Joined: Aug 09, 2007
Posts: 20
Status: Offline
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Aug 10, 2007 - 02:18 PM |
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SirFiddler
Board Legend
Joined: Mar 30, 2004
Posts: 11445
Location: Very close to a bottle of chilled Boags
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Aug 10, 2007 - 02:20 PM |
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We all know that girls with big breasts work at Hooters,right ?
But where do girls with just one leg work ?
IHOP |
_________________
Beer...Soooo much more than just breakfast www.justbeer.cn |
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yu888
Board Deity
Joined: Jan 25, 2003
Posts: 18042
Location: ZhongShanParkArea SH
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Aug 10, 2007 - 03:15 PM |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Aug 10, 2007 - 03:38 PM |
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Yeah, have a good weekend you all! Cheers! |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Goosie
Board Grand Dame
Joined: July 16, 2003
Posts: 4776
Location: Singapore
Status: Offline
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Aug 10, 2007 - 04:36 PM |
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Those are good, Andreas! Got any more? I'm LMAO! |
_________________
Nemesis of Political Correctness |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Aug 10, 2007 - 04:38 PM |
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Hey Goosie, are you still in Singapore? Next time I am there we should have a few drinks. Since I have a new job I am about once every two months in Sing. |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Aug 10, 2007 - 04:39 PM |
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Subject: THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio
the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who
interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of
how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is
one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion
of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was
about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are
you going to teach these young boys when they visit your
base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a
prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines! |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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| Posted:
Aug 10, 2007 - 04:39 PM |
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his
eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are Those two spiders doing?" she asked "They're mating," her
father replied "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little Girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment.........then
took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of
that gay **** in our garden." |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Aug 10, 2007 - 04:40 PM |
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Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was now
visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots
out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.
"F*cken great country this!" said Van, deeply impressed. "We'd never
get away with that at home! |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Andreas
Board Royalty
Joined: Feb 27, 2004
Posts: 6410
Location: 31 N 121 E
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Aug 10, 2007 - 04:41 PM |
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CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: ____________________
Gang: ____________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to
steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets
$234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If
he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he
lose by jumping bail?
11. Angelita had her first baby at 12, now she has 23 children and she is 45. Assume her children all live the same lifestyle as she does, when did she become grandma ?
12. Bobby Johnson was caught as car-thief suspect by LAPD officers, he was knocked down by 8 police officers and each of them punched his head and gut for at least 3 times. How many punches did he receive ? He sued LAPD later on for 1 million dollars. How much each punch will cost the tax payer? |
_________________
If it has tits, tires, or a transom, there's gonna be issues! |
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Goosie
Board Grand Dame
Joined: July 16, 2003
Posts: 4776
Location: Singapore
Status: Offline
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Aug 10, 2007 - 04:52 PM |
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Still here, and will be for a long time! Let me know when you're around and we'll meet up!
Thanks for the jokes. It's a slow Friday here so I'm having a good laugh. |
_________________
Nemesis of Political Correctness |
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mat
Board Royalty
Joined: Apr 26, 2004
Posts: 6973
Location: Loooooooooooose!
Status: Offline
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Aug 10, 2007 - 04:59 PM |
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Two kiwi blokes were in the paddock admiring Johnnos Ewe. She's a ripper said Billy, but why don't you shear it? SHEAR IT, says Johnno, mate, when you get a good one like her, you don't shear it with anyone. |
_________________
www.justbeer.cn Get Loooooooose! |
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mat
Board Royalty
Joined: Apr 26, 2004
Posts: 6973
Location: Loooooooooooose!
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Aug 10, 2007 - 05:02 PM |
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It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red Adair'. Red Adair was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red Adair told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.
The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000.”Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.
The Arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red haired Paddies comes roaring over the sand dunes and head straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddies walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!"
The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I’m going to buy is a set of brakes for that f&*king truck!" |
_________________
www.justbeer.cn Get Loooooooose! |
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mat
Board Royalty
Joined: Apr 26, 2004
Posts: 6973
Location: Loooooooooooose!
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Aug 10, 2007 - 05:04 PM |
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.” |
_________________
www.justbeer.cn Get Loooooooose! |
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Dazza
Low Seater
Joined: Feb 02, 2006
Posts: 3081
Location: In the city of cold steel
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Aug 10, 2007 - 05:08 PM |
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Hahaha and I'm stuck indoors with the Typhoon warning at level 8.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!' |
_________________
If the musics too loud then you are too old! |
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yu888
Board Deity
Joined: Jan 25, 2003
Posts: 18042
Location: ZhongShanParkArea SH
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| Posted:
Aug 10, 2007 - 05:19 PM |
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hc
Post Roaster
Joined: Apr 04, 2007
Posts: 4545
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Aug 10, 2007 - 05:19 PM |
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| Andreas wrote: |
CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: ____________________
Gang: ____________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to
steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets
$234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If
he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he
lose by jumping bail?
11. Angelita had her first baby at 12, now she has 23 children and she is 45. Assume her children all live the same lifestyle as she does, when did she become grandma ?
12. Bobby Johnson was caught as car-thief suspect by LAPD officers, he was knocked down by 8 police officers and each of them punched his head and gut for at least 3 times. How many punches did he receive ? He sued LAPD later on for 1 million dollars. How much each punch will cost the tax payer? |
I imagine how would an expat math test be like:
1)In Pataya there are 2,000 trannies. Mr. Schumman erm "knows" 1 third of them. If the average trannie has a 1/1000 chance of having the clap, what are chances of Mr. Schumman being sick?
2)Mrs Smith (an expat wife) eats 7,000 calories a day. If the average bombom contains 100 calories, how many bomboms does she need to eat in order to "diet" and cut her daily calory count to 5000?
3)Bobby, a financial consultant, survives on a diet of vodka and jiaozi that costs him 100rmb per day. How many successful cold calls Bobby needs to make considering the avergae commission per expat is 100rmb and the success rate is 0,01%?
5)A "restaurant" serves 50 bowls of chowder per day, at 500ml each, with a revenue of 100rmb per. How much water should be added in the chowder in order to increase profitability by 500% ?
6)A "disco" serves on average 30 bottles of whisky per night. If each drink costs 50rmb for the consumer and 10rmb for the bar and if air conditioner coolant costs 2.5 rmb per dose, how long will it take for the "disco" to save 10,000rmb by substituting half of the whisky for coolant (please assume the mortality rate of the consumers drinking coolant as zero).
7)An average expat costs a company 10 dollars per minute. Considering each expat spends 60 minutes per day on msn, facebook.com, rotten.com or other websites, how long will it take for a company employing 50 expats to lose a million dollars? |
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