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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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 Posted:
Aug 12, 2008 - 10:48 AM |
 
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On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied. |
and her husband suddenly being mute and shocked when his wife just said those words in front of her husband~~~~ |
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功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 13, 2008 - 12:04 PM |
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A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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Aug 13, 2008 - 12:30 PM |
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Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" |
both those man and woman are silly enough to be slaughtered by their holly shite brains~~~~~~~~~~ |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 14, 2008 - 09:22 AM |
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes." |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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Aug 14, 2008 - 10:45 AM |
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One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you." |
_________________
功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 15, 2008 - 08:06 AM |
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A grade school teacher in Alberta asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, And we all saw his ! pet sheep, it was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 18, 2008 - 08:48 AM |
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Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front.
Who do you let in?
Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 19, 2008 - 09:54 AM |
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers,
“Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts:
In her 20’s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
“Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiled and answered,
“Well there are three phases:
In his 20’s, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s to 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes – dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 20, 2008 - 09:00 AM |
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A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m. The wife answered the phone, listened for a moment and said, “How should I know? It’s 100 miles from here,” and hung up. The husband asked, “Who was that, dear?” The wife replied, “I don’t know. Some woman wanted to know if the coast was clear.” |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 20, 2008 - 09:01 AM |
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A couple had been married for 20 years but every time they made love, the husband insisted on turning off the light. After 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous, so one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming session, she turned on the lights. To her horror, she looked down and caught him holding a battery-operated vibrator—wonderful and better than the real thing. She went completely ballistic. “You impotent b_st_rd!” she yelled. “How could you deceive me all these years? You had better explain yourself.” The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly, “I’ll explain the toy. You explain the kids!” |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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aLeGna
Reacher
Joined: June 12, 2008
Posts: 233
Location: under the SUN
Status: Offline
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Aug 20, 2008 - 09:56 PM |
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10 reasons I'd prefer dating a hockey player
1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9. They know when to play rough
and...
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls. |
_________________
"Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him. If that woman were me, I would love him alone and forever." Francesca Bruni, Casanova |
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Ponzonia
Barker
Joined: June 24, 2008
Posts: 196
Location: el mundo
Status: Offline
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Aug 20, 2008 - 10:52 PM |
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| aLeGna wrote: |
10 reasons I'd prefer dating a hockey player
1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9. They know when to play rough
and...
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls. |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 21, 2008 - 10:41 AM |
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Wife : Do you belive that women get prettier when they get older
Husband : Of course
Wife: Why? do you think I am getting prettier?
Husband: I think you are not getting older at alll. |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 22, 2008 - 02:20 PM |
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There is a horse and a chicken out in a field. the horse gets stuck in a big mud hole, the chicken says hey ill get you out.so he goes and gets a mercedes and a chain, then he yankes the horse out of the mud.a couple of days pass, and the chicken gets stuck in the same mud hole, the horse says hey hang on ill get you out.then he strattles the chicken and lowers his unit and told the chicken to grab on.so he did and the horse pulled him right out of the mud.
The moral to the story is, if your hung like a horse you dont need a mercedes to pick up chicks. |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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aLeGna
Reacher
Joined: June 12, 2008
Posts: 233
Location: under the SUN
Status: Offline
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Aug 22, 2008 - 05:53 PM |
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lol |
_________________
"Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him. If that woman were me, I would love him alone and forever." Francesca Bruni, Casanova |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 25, 2008 - 08:29 AM |
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Here’s a classic
A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I’m going to be honest. I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Central Park, $250k annual income is not enough.
I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the name and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the rich are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Here’s a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money”: Person “A” provides beauty, and Person “B” pays for it, fair and square.
However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much lower 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term — same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This makes more sense than trying to find a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in “leasing” services, do contact me. |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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SnappySammy
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10132
Status: Offline
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Aug 25, 2008 - 11:30 PM |
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At breakfast one morning the Husband asked"did I hurt you last night.".. "No" said the wife, why do you ask...Because said the Husband "You Moved" |
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Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 26, 2008 - 09:08 AM |
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says,
'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman, now feeling badly, says,
'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?'
The man looks at her and says,
'Pepper' |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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SnappySammy
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10132
Status: Offline
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Aug 26, 2008 - 10:01 AM |
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Ok Juan Now you need another joke... |
_________________
Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 26, 2008 - 05:38 PM |
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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said: "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck." |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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SnappySammy
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10132
Status: Offline
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Aug 26, 2008 - 08:55 PM |
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good one! |
_________________
Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 27, 2008 - 08:07 AM |
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!' |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 27, 2008 - 08:08 AM |
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Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.' |
_________________
what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Aug 27, 2008 - 08:20 AM |
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A man and his wife went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved—an entire list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and then replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.” |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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SnappySammy
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10132
Status: Offline
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Aug 27, 2008 - 09:24 PM |
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Who's better than You.... |
_________________
Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy |
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