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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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 Posted:
Sep 16, 2008 - 08:39 AM |
 
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Q. Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A. About 4 inches. |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 17, 2008 - 09:24 AM |
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A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!”
The madam is astonished: “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”
The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick.” |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Nathalie25
Board Legend
Joined: Aug 24, 2004
Posts: 10387
Location: Shanghai
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Sep 17, 2008 - 05:09 PM |
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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"
They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.
If only men would listen. |
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功高盖主，必有祸出。人生是人类生命中内心和万般经历的真实写照。 http:/ |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 18, 2008 - 09:20 AM |
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One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite."
Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."
The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that viagra."
Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."
The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."
The wife then firmly says "well I am really hungry, I'm getting something to eat, so can you please get it OUT of me for a moment!!!" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 19, 2008 - 08:45 AM |
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After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday." |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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| Posted:
Sep 22, 2008 - 09:21 AM |
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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 23, 2008 - 10:07 AM |
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Eroticy Jokes
A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says, "I must say, this is the cleanest twit I've seen in ages."
"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week." |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 24, 2008 - 08:23 AM |
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Pre-vacation ritual
A man pulls up at the medical clinic, leaving his wife and kids in the car, and races inside.
“We’re leaving on vacation, and my wife says I need to be vasectomised immediately!”
The doctor is surprised, but makes the guy happy. Snip, snip, and it’s done.
So the guy shuffles back to the car and gingerly lowers himself back into the driver’s seat.
“So, are you vaccinated, then?” asks his wife. |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 25, 2008 - 10:06 AM |
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One night a blonde teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 25, 2008 - 10:24 AM |
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The Three officially recognized kinds of sex are ...
HOUSE SEX: When you're newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room of the house.
BEDROOM SEX: After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
HALLWAY SEX: After you've been married for many, many years and you just pass by each other in the hallway and say "**** You! ! !" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 26, 2008 - 09:28 AM |
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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 26, 2008 - 03:36 PM |
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Adam and Eve had sex for first time ever. After their lustful act was over, Eve went to the stream to clean herself up. As she is washing up, she hears a big booming voice coming from heavens above.
"For God's sake Eve, how am I going to get that smell out of the fish now?!" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 27, 2008 - 08:39 AM |
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Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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Juan_Tamad
Board Royalty
Joined: Jan 29, 2007
Posts: 6267
Location: Smoky Mountain
Status: Offline
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Sep 27, 2008 - 08:56 AM |
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An old man was sitting on a bench when a young boy walked by carrying duck tape.
The old man asks, "What are you doing with that duck tape?" The boy says, "I'm going to catch some ducks."
The old man says, "You can't catch ducks with duck tape."
The boy just shrugs his shoulders and walks away. A little while later the boy comes back with a bunch of ducks. The old man is confused. The next day the boy walks by the old man on the bench carrying chicken wire.
The old man asks, "What are you doing with that chicken wire?" The boy says, "I'm going to catch some chickens."
The old man says, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire."
The boy just shrugs his shoulders and walks away. A little while later the boy comes back with a bunch of chickens. The old man is confused. The next day the boy walks by the old man on the bench carrying a pussywillow.
The old man says. "Wait for me, I'm going with you!" |
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what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after |
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SnappySammy
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10133
Status: Online!
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Oct 01, 2008 - 02:47 AM |
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What's a Chinese Ten? A four whose father owns a factory! |
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Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy |
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Noodles007
Talker
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 123
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Oct 01, 2008 - 01:31 PM |
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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very hornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Nathan25, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Nathan25, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Nathan25 to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Nathan25 replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Nathan25 announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Nathan25, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks." |
Last edited by Noodles007 on Oct 03, 2008 - 07:00 AM; edited 1 time in total |
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SnappySammy
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10133
Status: Online!
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Oct 03, 2008 - 12:42 AM |
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donde esta Juan |
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Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy |
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Noodles007
Talker
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 123
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Oct 03, 2008 - 02:18 PM |
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SnappySammy
Board Legend
Joined: Nov 01, 2007
Posts: 10133
Status: Online!
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Oct 03, 2008 - 09:55 PM |
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Where's Juan when you need him? |
_________________
Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy |
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Noodles007
Talker
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 123
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Oct 04, 2008 - 11:07 AM |
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Ah! Paranoia! paranoia!
Everybody's coming to get me
Just say you never met me.... |
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Bradd_Pwit
Seeker
Joined: Oct 26, 2006
Posts: 69
Status: Offline
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Oct 10, 2008 - 11:01 AM |
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends..
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. |
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dsugg
Barker
Joined: Nov 18, 2007
Posts: 186
Location: Shanghai or Toronto
Status: Offline
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Oct 28, 2008 - 10:00 PM |
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Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a
little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said,
"Here - try these on."
She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want
you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.
She said, "Here-you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your panties."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude,
you never will." |
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liquid_f0rc3
Barker
Joined: Aug 11, 2008
Posts: 179
Location: The Getaway
Status: Offline
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Nov 01, 2008 - 02:00 PM |
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When are you a lucky guy?
-American Salary
-english House
-japanese wife
-chinese food
the unlucky one?
- chinese salary
-american wife
-japanese house
-english food |
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xo marisa || rage and love-the story of my life... the jesus of suburbia is a lie! |
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Bradd_Pwit
Seeker
Joined: Oct 26, 2006
Posts: 69
Status: Offline
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Nov 03, 2008 - 09:06 AM |
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NOt related...but
Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the Plumber story? Last month, he was an investment banker. |
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Bradd_Pwit
Seeker
Joined: Oct 26, 2006
Posts: 69
Status: Offline
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Nov 06, 2008 - 03:22 PM |
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Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
“The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.” |
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