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Juan_TamadOffline
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Post  Posted: Mar 24, 2009 - 04:00 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

Frank and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Frank would say: "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."


Esther always replied: "I know Frank, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."


One year, Esther and Frank went to the fair, and Frank said: "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."


To this, Esther replied: "Frank, that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."


The pilot overheard the couple and said: "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."


Frank and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.


When they landed, the pilot turned to Frank and said: "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"


Frank replied: "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

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Post 12Posted: Mar 26, 2009 - 09:35 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for
months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was
washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the
monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again
and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what
happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring
her out of the coma.' The husband was
skeptical, but they assured him that
they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined,
no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

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Juan_TamadOffline
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Post  Posted: Mar 27, 2009 - 12:51 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially, so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.


A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried: "That's too much!" He then asked: "How much for a hand job?"


She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.


The husband said: "Ask for $40."


The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing, the woman noticed that the man was well hung.


She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked: "Now what?"


The wife replied: "Can I borrow $60?"

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Post  Posted: Mar 27, 2009 - 01:15 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

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Post  Posted: Mar 27, 2009 - 01:20 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

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Post  Posted: Mar 30, 2009 - 06:32 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

Letter from a hockey player

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my hockey equipment so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.'

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my hockey gear, that I noticed a hairline crack where the blade meets the graphite shaft on my new graphite one piece hockey stick.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?
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Post  Posted: Mar 30, 2009 - 06:44 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go..'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dave.............
.
.
.
.
Dave....................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dave............................
.
.
.
.
.
.
................You're a 'Vet'
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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 08:18 AM  Reply with quote  Back to top

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Juan_TamadOffline
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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 09:46 AM  Reply with quote  Back to top

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he sked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy , M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 12:20 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

Image

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 12:36 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

Men Are Like Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men Are Like Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men Are Likecoffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men Are Like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men Are Like Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men Are Like Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.


Men Are Like Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men Are Like .Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men Are Like ... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

Men Are Like ... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men Are Like ... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men Are Like ... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men Are Like ... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

Men Are Like ... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

.Men Are Like .. Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 12:37 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.


Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.


Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.


Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).


Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.


Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.


Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.


Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.


This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 12:38 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

Make sure the man is conscious.


Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.


Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.


Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.


Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.


Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 03:05 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.


However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said: "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."


"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 06:14 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

TheviLapple wrote:
I love U!I love U!I love U!U love her!U love her!U love her!So I love her! I lover Her!I love her!But U still don't love me!Yes!U don't love me!U don't love me!U don't love me!Now I love him!I love him!I love him!BYE!I am so gone!So gone!So gone!So gone!

50% of you are fake,another 50% of you are also fake. So you are a 100% fake!

Tomorrow is April Fool's day, but I am 100% sure you won't be fooled any more by April for the rest of your life!

April is a simbolic sign of new life!


Mr. Right rejection from a letter

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 06:20 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

TheviLapple wrote:
I love U!I love U!I love U!U love her!U love her!U love her!So I love her! I lover Her!I love her!But U still don't love me!Yes!U don't love me!U don't love me!U don't love me!Now I love him!I love him!I love him!BYE!I am so gone!So gone!So gone!So gone!

50% of you are fake,another 50% of you are also fake. So you are a 100% fake!

Tomorrow is April Fool's day, but I am 100% sure you won't be fooled any more by April for the rest of your life!

April is a simbolic sign of new life!


Your joke so funny, hehehe........

Then We both are real in this April....

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 06:34 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

The Male Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-Cool

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

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Post  Posted: Mar 31, 2009 - 06:34 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

The Male Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-Cool

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

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Post  Posted: Apr 01, 2009 - 10:10 AM  Reply with quote  Back to top

TheviLapple wrote:
我本来不想说出来了,但是终于决定还是告诉你吧!不然, 你一辈子不知道!
That was a weird dream. I would like to call it "dream in dream".
In that dream we were together. Of course, we were happy at every moment, children around. But that was just a dream in a dream.
When I woke up in that dream in dream, she smiled at me, teasing me:"Nothing! My friend! Just we are to be married very soon"! And I smiled back, nodding my head, walking away!
Suddenly the ticking sound of the alarm clock knocking my bed at 3:53 AM, so I woke up in real and open my eyes, tears in my eyes, tears down my face, tears in my mouth, taste like chewing gum.
But I fall sound sleep again at 3:54AM. And I get up at 3:55AM

God bless me! God bless her!


More crack addicts come to China?

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Post  Posted: Apr 01, 2009 - 04:27 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

An American man boarded an airplane in Shanghai with a box of frozen hairy crabs and asked a Chinese female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.


He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in Beijing, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin: "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Shanghai please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:


1. Men never learn.

2. Chinese girls aren't as dumb as most men think.

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Juan_TamadOffline
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Post  Posted: Apr 02, 2009 - 12:22 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.


His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.


The man says: "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"


"But why?" asks the man.


"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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Juan_TamadOffline
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Post  Posted: Apr 03, 2009 - 03:50 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:


"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students," he explained. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."


He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"


At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

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sunshinerainbowOffline
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Post  Posted: Apr 07, 2009 - 04:17 PM  Reply with quote  Back to top

"I have nothing, comparing to the person who has more than 50 billion dollars that can please himself in nowadays, hehehe........."

That woman was just be kissed by her cat after she said those words in an aromatic kitchen.

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