Exercise Machine or Kinky Device?
You've seen them in the public parks and apartment complex courtyards. Those vivid, blinding apparatuses made of cheap aluminum, polystyrene and whatever plastic was available at the time of construction. Brightly colored and looking somewhere between a Playskool ™ Swingset and some kind of kink machinery you'd find advertised in the back pages of Men's Health, they have proven beneficial to the health of many local Chinese. And after reading this article, maybe you (YES, you!) can also take advantage of the free, easy use of those wacky Chinese exercise machines! Cue the ROCKY IV montage music......now!
|
1) "The Puxi Push" Function: "Very beneficial to abdominals and lower limbs. Improves stamina for that 'special time.' " How to use: Hold the handles, push down on pedals, move forward and backward. |
| 2) "Clock Block"
Function: “Develop strength of upper limbs” |
| 3) "Working Together to Cultivate a Harmonious and Sexy Society" Two people grip a bar and face each other as sweat drips down their brows, working together to alternately push and pull on the shaft, bending kness and stretching legs in fluctuation. Is it hot in here? Function: "Enhance the ability of the lower limb, hip, knee, and ankle joint." |
 4) “Sit Up Bench”
No witty name here. It makes too much sense. I can never do sit-ups without someone holding my legs. This bench is like a personal trainer except it doesn't reek of sweat, whey protein, and insecurity. |
 5) "Surfin' PRC"
Imagine you are riding a wave an a crisp, clean northern California shoreline. The wind in your face, the seagulls laughing overheard, the water cool and refres....Oh my god! Is that kid going #2 on the sidewalk?!! Function: "Upper limbs activity. Enhance the muscles around hip, knee and ankle, and the flexibility of ligaments." How to use: Hold the bars, make a lunge position on the surf board, move the body side-to-side. Make sure keep the upper body still, with the extension of the knees to move the board. (NOTE: this person did a wrong position. According to the directions, her body should be shoulder-width apart on the LONG side of the board)
|
 6) "The Poor-Man's Elliptical"
In these rough economic times, who has the expendable income to buy an elliptical with all those fancy (effective) features?
Function: "Improve cardiopulmonary function."
How to Use: Upper and lower limbs move cooperatively |
| 7) "The Changning Swing " It's name comes from the park where these pictures were taken  Function: "Stretch back joints, exercise abdominal muscle" How to use: Back to the swing, use the abdominal muscles to do sit-ups  |
 8) “What the F#&@?”
Even after watching someone use this, I still don't know how the f#&@ it works. According to the sign, it “ Improves elastane of the upper limbs joints.” |
 9) “Wheels in the Sky Keep on Turning”
After about 5 hours doing this, you might even break a sweat if you haven't already been seduced into a trance by the magic of the spinning helms. Truly a Journey in self-discovery. Function: "Improve the function of the arm and shoulder", hypnosis How to use : Take right and left handles, move upward and downward respectively |
|
Much like drinking a bottle of Chinese wine, this leaves me very unsatisfied. It supposedly tightens your waist over time if you hold the handles and rotate your waist. Guaranteed 6-pack if your diet is eating nothing. |
 11) "The Back Breaker"
Its kinda like when Jax from Mortal Kombat II grabs you in midair and you fall on his shoulder and you hear a huge crack. It's actually quite pleasant if you give it a try. Function: "Extend joints of waist and back, relax waist and back muscles." How to use: stand between the bar and arch, put your hands on your thighs, sit on the arch while hooking your feet to the bar. Move your back slowly to the surface of the arch, to form your body like a bridge. Then using your core, straighten your upper body. Repeat.
|
| 12) "The Threeway" Actually, something that makes a lot of sense and totally useful. How to use: Do pullups, tricep push ups, and situps. |
| 13) "Bar Hopping" Directions: “Put one leg on the bar, straighten it, pressure legs gently with hands and move the upper body forward to attach legs” Translation: Use this bar to stretch your legs. Function: Improves Flexibility  |
 14) "The Dragon Boat"
It is a rowing machine, which can develop the upper and lower body muscles and improve the function of heart and lung How to use: Imitate rowing, hold the handles, and stamp the pedal with pull and push to move forward an backward.
|
| 15) "Raise the Roof" Function: "Develop upper limb, chest, back muscles, improve heart and lung functions." How to use: Hold the handles, move arms upward like you were participating in a 90s music video featuring white people.  |
 16) "Massageee"
When you don't have enough money for one, you might have to give one to yourself. |
10) "A Waist of Time" 
- Login to post comments
- 5957 reads
