This is the 1st day of 2011. Finally I decided to share my story with everyone here. Hopefully it will encourage u to lead a happy life no matter you are girl or boy who is desperately seeking for happiness of life. As long as you are healthy, then nobody can take happiness from you, only yourself.
Here is my 2011 and my story. I don't want to add adjective word "miserable" here because it turned out being a very meaningful and important year in my life after second thought.
I came to shanghai more than 10 years ago. Here did I pursue university and master education. Then I got into a very good international 500 company for work. Personally, I'm pretty, kind, persistent to what I want and definitely not material type of girl. I had a heartbroken relationship then it took me 3 years to heal. In past years of working, I traveled to so many places abroad and domestic, it further broadened my view and mind. I was so confident about my life and what I want to have. Then I decided to open my heart to embrace next relationship then I met him online. Mr. P. He is not very outstanding in every way and just landed in shanghai for few months after moving from Taiwan, an american guy.
I was chased by many guys at that time, rich expat and very potential MBA student. And P was just an ordinary migration worker, local paid. My friends called this type "2 wheel" man, in contrast with others who drive cars. But later, I really had so much feeling for him. We shared many things in common, both work for international 500 company, both like painting, both are not so into material type of thing. Every weekend after my painting class,we automatically get together and he gave comments on my artwork. Also we traveled together and celebrated Bday together. I loved cook for him and watched him to eat up all. Everything went so well and we discussed to see each other's parents. Then something unexpected happened, I was diagnosed cancer in Jan 2011. I could hardly forget that night when he called like every other night before going to bed. I was in hospital but I was so afraid to lose him if I told him the truth so I just said I was at home. I knew I would finally tell him but was not ready at that time. Then I started my painful treatment, chemo. At the beginning he stopped calling, then he called again after I wrote back to him. During 6 months of my treatment, he always called everyday and it's the very solid mental support and I still so much appreciate till today! Though he didn't come to the hospital even once and only visited me twice at home. But if not him, I might give up treatment already. I was totally crashed by surgery and chemo. I heard that by going through difficult time together can make the relationship stronger. But I dare never to challenge our relationship by asking him to go to take chemo with me in hospital. I just want to keep him carefree and never shared bitterness to him. Yes, I tried to protect our fragile relationship carefully.
And we never talked about our relationship again till this Jun I got a break-up email from him, no calls, no meeting face to face. The reason was I lied to him when I was in hospital but I told I was at home. I tried to explain to justify my lie but rejected by him strongly. I tried to ask him back and told him I dreamed so much to go to travel with him again, and his response is "What? Do u think we are married for 10 years?" "Be realistic, past is past", "It's long time ago, forget it and move on". For so many times, I woke up from heartache and I prayed to God to change his mind and bring him back to me. I don't know the truth. If the cancer scares him away or it is just because of the lie? I cann't help blaming myself sometimes.
Then I realized that cancer totally changed my life. I grew up fastest in past year and had seen so many sad things happening. My friend comfort me by saying that I'm lucky to find out "the true face" of the guy and not later. Also said this guy can only enjoy easy fun things together but will never show up in hard time. Maybe they are right and I know P grew up in single mom family and he had asthma so it may make him weak mentally. But if in case, he see my post here. What I want to say to him is: honey, no matter what, please don't feel guilty of leaving me. It's hard to learn to forgive but I'm trying. I should never be too selfish to try to keep you staying. It's easy to get around normal girl but it is too heavy for you take a cancer survivor's life. And you are right, cancer changes me into a better person. If I got 2nd chance, I will make our love more abundant and fulfilled. Cancer teaches me how to die but more importantly it teaches me how to live.
Also i want to ask guys here:
1, Will you dump your GF if she is diagnosed cancer?
2, Will you date a cancer survivor in the situation of easily catching girls here in shanghai?

Hi snowbound, first of all I hope you're feeling much better! You must be glad to be in a new year with all this behind you? To answer your questions:

1. No, I would not.
2. It depends what I'm after, I'm not chasing girls in Shanghai to get laid, so I'm happier meeting people and getting a girl that way. So, I would date whoever I liked the most, regardless.

My advice would be forget about the guy.

Forget the past, move forward and enjoy life to the fullest...

Thats the only way to happiness

Juan_Tamad wrote:Forget the past, move forward and enjoy life to the fullest...

Thats the only way to happiness

Right! Forget the past! Move on!

And Not every laowai is a player like your american BF.

Do you like woman? What about me? I will treat you good and right! I can be your best friend. I will be standing by you fighting with the cancer!

Try me! If you had enough of man, try woman!

aprilisme wrote:

Juan_Tamad wrote:Forget the past, move forward and enjoy life to the fullest...

Thats the only way to happiness

Right! Forget the past! Move on!

And Not every laowai is a player like your american BF.

Do you like woman? What about me? I will treat you good and right! I can be your best friend. I will be standing by you fighting with the cancer!

Try me! If you had enough of man, try woman!

Oh my, April, you are a natural comedian. Just when I was feeling really sorry for snowbound, you came around and cheered me up. Thank you, April!

And snow, I don't think most men will leave someone just because of the cancer. It should make you stick together instead.

garrison2046 wrote:

aprilisme wrote:

Juan_Tamad wrote:Forget the past, move forward and enjoy life to the fullest...

Thats the only way to happiness

Right! Forget the past! Move on!

And Not every laowai is a player like your american BF.

Do you like woman? What about me? I will treat you good and right! I can be your best friend. I will be standing by you fighting with the cancer!

Try me! If you had enough of man, try woman!

Oh my, April, you are a natural comedian. Just when I was feeling really sorry for snowbound, you came around and cheered me up. Thank you, April!

And snow, I don't think most men will leave someone just because of the cancer. It should make you stick together instead.

Garrison! Thank you for your compliment! And don't thank me! It's the new year! Everybody is on the stage celebrating!

I am a natural comedian? Really? If so, I am supposed to cheer everybody up! Why nobody likes me? Why everybody hates me?

And you admit you like Fat chicks? Maybe that's why I cheer you up?

You know why everybody likes you? You are more than a natural comedian, you are a drama queen and an attention whore!

April

Snow, first of all I hope your treatment went very well and you are now in good health. I admire the calmness and kindness in your writing, after all that happened. You sound like a very strong and caring person.

But it doesn't sound right that your ex-boyfriend dumped the blame on you for the breakup and apparently left you stuck wondering what you could have done differently to be the perfect person, even at a most vulnerable time of your life. If the real reason for him to break up with you was the cancer--then that's very very wrong for him to cowardly and falsely state the breakup.

But to give him some benefit of doubts, just a couple of quick questions:

1. How long were you two together before you had to be in hospital and how close were you?

2. When he emailed you to break up, was it the first time he told you he was mad at you for lying to him, or did you guys have discussions about it before?

bluetower wrote:Snow, first of all I hope your treatment went very well and you are now in good health. I admire the calmness and kindness in your writing, after all that happened. You sound like a very strong and caring person.

But it doesn't sound right that your ex-boyfriend dumped the blame on you for the breakup and apparently left you stuck wondering what you could have done differently to be the perfect person, even at a most vulnerable time of your life. If the real reason for him to break up with you was the cancer--then that's very very wrong for him to cowardly and falsely state the breakup.

But to give him some benefit of doubts, just a couple of quick questions:

1. How long were you two together before you had to be in hospital and how close were you?

2. When he emailed you to break up, was it the first time he told you he was mad at you for lying to him, or did you guys have discussions about it before?

Hi Bluetower,

Thank you for your encouragement. And your response is exactly what I am puzzling with.
The answers to your questions:
1, We have been together for 8 months of seeing each other every weekends. And then 6 months of only daily calls during my chemo treatment;
2, No, we didn't talk about it until he mentioned it as the reason for break-up. But I knew he was mad bcz he thought I was in someone else's home that night when I was actually in the hospital.

bearrr wrote:Hi snowbound, first of all I hope you're feeling much better! You must be glad to be in a new year with all this behind you? To answer your questions:

1. No, I would not.
2. It depends what I'm after, I'm not chasing girls in Shanghai to get laid, so I'm happier meeting people and getting a girl that way. So, I would date whoever I liked the most, regardless.

My advice would be forget about the guy.

Hi Bearrr,

Thanks for the response. They are valuable and encouraging.

Hugs

A fellow survivor exchanged her idea regards to what I have gone through. I admire it very much and wanna share it here to inspire ppl who go through the similar pains. Here it is:
As a fellow cancer survivor, I can relate to how you feel and what you went through. I never had to have chemo- my cancer is not responsive to chemo and surgery is the only treatment for it, so I have undergone a few surgeries in the last 3 years. My most recent one was about a month ago. My at the time, closest friend had a really rough time with it all. He was there for me as much as he could be, but he needed an emotional distraction, and we have started growing apart. I am finding my own strength, and realizing someone who gets scared when things get rough may not necessarily be someone I want to be super close to. Life isn't all happiness and sunshine and unicorns. Hard times happen, scary things happen, people you love get hurt and it is awful seeing someone you love and care about going through something like that. But it doesn't mean you get to run away, if you truly care.

People who truly care never leave your side. They are loyal and there for you good days or bad days. If it was a new relationship, its understandable that it was a lot more than he was ready to take on, especially if the deep emotional attachment wasn't there.

My experiences with cancer have showed me who the people who truly love me are, as well as those who do love me but just are not strong enough to handle what I have to deal with. I treat them a little more carefully- they get information on a need to know basis when it comes to my cancer. I know they would be there for me in a heartbeat, but some people just are not emotionally equipped with the strength to handle it on a daily basis.

Lean on those who are strong enough to support you and be there for you. Just because someone isn't emotionally strong enough yet doesn't mean they don't care- sometimes it means they care too much and simply don't know what to do about it and need a break- its overload.

Cancer certainly does teach you how to live, and I have enormous respect for you for taking that lesson out of it. It is a wake up call.

If I was in a relationship with someone who was diagnosed with cancer, I would stay by them and help as much as I could- so long as I knew I was emotionally invested in that person. I've never really thought about being on the other side of the table with that until now... and you know, its really hard to say what I would do if someone I was dating was diagnosed with cancer... which is probably very hypocritical but I am being honest.

snowbound244p wrote:

bluetower wrote:Snow, first of all I hope your treatment went very well and you are now in good health. I admire the calmness and kindness in your writing, after all that happened. You sound like a very strong and caring person.

But it doesn't sound right that your ex-boyfriend dumped the blame on you for the breakup and apparently left you stuck wondering what you could have done differently to be the perfect person, even at a most vulnerable time of your life. If the real reason for him to break up with you was the cancer--then that's very very wrong for him to cowardly and falsely state the breakup.

But to give him some benefit of doubts, just a couple of quick questions:

1. How long were you two together before you had to be in hospital and how close were you?

2. When he emailed you to break up, was it the first time he told you he was mad at you for lying to him, or did you guys have discussions about it before?

Hi Bluetower,

Thank you for your encouragement. And your response is exactly what I am puzzling with.
The answers to your questions:
1, We have been together for 8 months of seeing each other every weekends. And then 6 months of only daily calls during my chemo treatment;
2, No, we didn't talk about it until he mentioned it as the reason for break-up. But I knew he was mad bcz he thought I was in someone else's home that night when I was actually in the hospital.

Snow, I'm sorry, I'm sure there's more to your situation that I don't know, but this is what I see from the information you gave:
If he didn't try to discuss the issue with you but waited 6 months and used it as a reason for the breakup and totally shut out your rebuttal, he's probably just using it as an excuse. After all, it's a moral challenge to leave someone because they had cancer and he couldn't admit it, maybe even to himself, so there has to be a different reason for the breakup. I don't think your ex is a total selfish ******* as he stick around for your chemo to support. It just sounds he is very practical and his love for you is not deep enough to keep him around, as he said that you are 'not married for 10 years'. This doesn't make his a bad person, just not very giving. However, not owning up to it and making you think it's your fault does.

Your ex boyfriend is pretty much a major *******, I think if the girl was my girlfriend I would join her in Chemo and stick around to make her laugh. But never been in that situation so I dunno (i might even bolt like the wind lol), but if he truly loved you and is just a decent person he woulda stuck around.

My friend and his wife in Shanghai are having their second baby, but since there are complications the wife has to stay in hospital for a few months. My friend left their first child with his parents and stayed with his wife in the hospital everyday guess that's love or something.

Hope all is well on your end, good luck.

snowbound244p wrote:

bearrr wrote:Hi snowbound, first of all I hope you're feeling much better! You must be glad to be in a new year with all this behind you? To answer your questions:

1. No, I would not.
2. It depends what I'm after, I'm not chasing girls in Shanghai to get laid, so I'm happier meeting people and getting a girl that way. So, I would date whoever I liked the most, regardless.

My advice would be forget about the guy.

Hi Bearrr,

Thanks for the response. They are valuable and encouraging.

Hugs

Bearr gives you the best and simplest answer.

Without knowing your ex boyfriend it seems that he was unable to cope with your illness for whatever reason, unexplained to your satisfaction.

My mother had breast cancer and her BF stuck by her, was unconcerned about the illness and treatment, it never fazed his devotion, love or support. He loved her until and after she died.

I think cancer is a test and trial for the person as well as those around them. That guy was not right for you in illness so not right for you at all.

Move on and enjoy your new strength and wisdom.

bluetower wrote:

snowbound244p wrote:

bluetower wrote:Snow, first of all I hope your treatment went very well and you are now in good health. I admire the calmness and kindness in your writing, after all that happened. You sound like a very strong and caring person.

But it doesn't sound right that your ex-boyfriend dumped the blame on you for the breakup and apparently left you stuck wondering what you could have done differently to be the perfect person, even at a most vulnerable time of your life. If the real reason for him to break up with you was the cancer--then that's very very wrong for him to cowardly and falsely state the breakup.

But to give him some benefit of doubts, just a couple of quick questions:

1. How long were you two together before you had to be in hospital and how close were you?

2. When he emailed you to break up, was it the first time he told you he was mad at you for lying to him, or did you guys have discussions about it before?

Hi Bluetower,

Thank you for your encouragement. And your response is exactly what I am puzzling with.
The answers to your questions:
1, We have been together for 8 months of seeing each other every weekends. And then 6 months of only daily calls during my chemo treatment;
2, No, we didn't talk about it until he mentioned it as the reason for break-up. But I knew he was mad bcz he thought I was in someone else's home that night when I was actually in the hospital.

Snow, I'm sorry, I'm sure there's more to your situation that I don't know, but this is what I see from the information you gave:
If he didn't try to discuss the issue with you but waited 6 months and used it as a reason for the breakup and totally shut out your rebuttal, he's probably just using it as an excuse. After all, it's a moral challenge to leave someone because they had cancer and he couldn't admit it, maybe even to himself, so there has to be a different reason for the breakup. I don't think your ex is a total selfish ******* as he stick around for your chemo to support. It just sounds he is very practical and his love for you is not deep enough to keep him around, as he said that you are 'not married for 10 years'. This doesn't make his a bad person, just not very giving. However, not owning up to it and making you think it's your fault does.

Bluetower,
Thanks for your sharing. And I never think him as a total selfish *******. Except that one day I found out he already started seeking around for other girls online almost right after my diagnosis. Then he waited for 6 months to break up and emphasized that he decided to break up with me at the night when I hided the truth. It confused me and now I understand that he was actually going through the moral challenge himself. Anyway I try to rationalize the whole thing instead of just being angry to him. Sometimes it helped to forget someone easier when you are in peace not in anger.

Hi Snow, Im glad to hear you are beating cancer. Keep on being strong in that regards.

Would i date a cancer survivor? Yes, I would.
Would a date a girl that still has not gotten over 2 past heartbreaks? No.

It will take time but you can get past this. We all experience heart break, you can beat that too.

I had this impression that in the west, family crisis happens more often during hardship, let's say if one of the couple is out of work or something. While in chinese culture, family crisis often happens during good times... Maybe this is even more true with americans because their culture is very competitive and people already feel insecure themselves. I once dated an american guy who obviously ran away fast when I had career downtime. When I came out of it and moved well better, he contacted me again saying he admired what I have achieved. I don't at all give any time to these people anymore.

But last year, when I was climbing Foro Romano in Rome, I saw this young guy moving a girl out of her wheelchair and backed her up and walked slowly up to the platform. I don't know this girl is his girlfriend or his sister, it was just touching. Somehow I saw such kind of moments several times in Italy, most among tourists though. I cannot judge where they are from. But maybe people from traditional european families are morally better at dealing family/relationship hardship. It may be due to their social security system...

Anyway, for OP, don't dwell on your bad experience. Breast cancer isn't uncurable. You are just fine as any normal female... and don't overthink about it, enjoy what you could get... these days, even without cancer, guys aren't that reliable either. right?

questionmark wrote:... these days, even without cancer, guys aren't that reliable either. right?

You can't make this shzt up, now can you?

Just being Blunt.

If you were my girlfriend I would break up with you if you lost your tits. I would break up with you if you became a cripple. I also have to expect you can do the same if the same unfortunate event happened to me too. I really won't blame you if you really left. Notice I use the word break up and not divorced. Because choosing a partner is a harsh selective process.

But if you were my wife or family I will be there supporting you with all my best. When it comes to family it is a burden that must be dealt with.

I don't expect any of you to be happy of what I have said but I'm just spilling out reality.

Moroes wrote:Just being Blunt.

If you were my girlfriend I would break up with you if you lost your tits. I would break up with you if you became a cripple. I also have to expect you can do the same if the same unfortunate event happened to me too. I really won't blame you if you really left. Notice I use the word break up and not divorced. Because choosing a partner is a harsh selective process.

But if you were my wife or family I will be there supporting you with all my best. When it comes to family it is a burden that must be dealt with.

I don't expect any of you to be happy of what I have said but I'm just spilling out reality.

........................................

Love is the most difficult English word that I will never understand!

But I can understand reality.

Adele

If he really loved you it wouldn't have even crossed his mind to leave you.

Obviously he didn't love you that much (which is fair enough after 8 months of dating, it's not like you had made any big commitments to you). Some things bring couples closer together but this didn't.
So you would have broken up eventually anyways.

Maybe it's not fair to call him a player or to say that he showed his true face.
You didn't really expand too much on the lie, but telling lies within the first year or a relationship might be something that greatly bothers him. Maybe if you really loved him you wouldn't have felt the need to lie or hide anything?

As I said, you guys probably would have broken up regardless of your illness. Time to move on.

questionmark wrote:these days, even without cancer, guys aren't that reliable either. right?

I feel like I'm being tainted with a dirty brush!

Several years ago when my then BF went to Iraq. I thought over those things that I would not be able to cope with should anything happen to him.
I was OK with pretty much everything including loss of limbs, burns, eyesight, hair, infidelity.

The two thing that I knew I would be able to deal with:
Loss of mental stability or loss of his mind/intelligence through injury.

Everyone has their limits and boundaries.
Few people would love unconditionally. What QM said is true, 8 months of dating is not a lifetime commitment. Many women do not understand that being someones GF is a time share, will most likely end sooner or later.

HI Op,

First of all, I wish you well and get better soon.

Sometimes when this kind of **** happens, it reminds us how precise life is. So as other posters here put, try to stay the spirit and enjoy the life.
As for that *******, it's lucky for you he left earlier, if spend your whole life with him, it would be much worse.

Take care.

anter wrote:

snowbound244p wrote:

bearrr wrote:Hi snowbound, first of all I hope you're feeling much better! You must be glad to be in a new year with all this behind you? To answer your questions:

1. No, I would not.
2. It depends what I'm after, I'm not chasing girls in Shanghai to get laid, so I'm happier meeting people and getting a girl that way. So, I would date whoever I liked the most, regardless.

My advice would be forget about the guy.

Hi Bearrr,

Thanks for the response. They are valuable and encouraging.

Hugs

Bearr gives you the best and simplest answer.

Without knowing your ex boyfriend it seems that he was unable to cope with your illness for whatever reason, unexplained to your satisfaction.

My mother had breast cancer and her BF stuck by her, was unconcerned about the illness and treatment, it never fazed his devotion, love or support. He loved her until and after she died.

I think cancer is a test and trial for the person as well as those around them. That guy was not right for you in illness so not right for you at all.

Move on and enjoy your new strength and wisdom.

Anter,

First of all, please accept my sorrow and admire to what happened to your mom. Cancer is a lifetime battle, and it's also true to the people around the person. I am glad that your mom had someone loving her when she need most.
Everyone has challenges and difficulties to deal with in their lives. If there are many forms of such things to happen, I would rather to choose other forms instead of cancer since it is too frightening. Anyway it is the reality and I guess I have to accept what happened.

snowbound244p,how are you?
I am touched by your story, I think you are a traditional girl who is kind,spoony,virtuous with a mighty heart,that's easily get hurt.but on other hand,everything depend on ourself,the world will be what you think of.do you know "half cup of water"?all others say,forget past,bcz it's belong to history,what we should cherish are today and tomorrow.just enjoy this moment and move on.you are excellent,you will be happy,you deserve it.here everyone concern you.the most important and I am most concern is that are you feeling better now?how is your treating process?

Angela miette wrote:snowbound244p,how are you?
I am touched by your story, I think you are a traditional girl who is kind,spoony,virtuous with a mighty heart,that's easily get hurt.but on other hand,everything depend on ourself,the world will be what you think of.do you know "half cup of water"?all others say,forget past,bcz it's belong to history,what we should cherish are today and tomorrow.just enjoy this moment and move on.you are excellent,you will be happy,you deserve it.here everyone concern you.the most important and I am most concern is that are you feeling better now?how is your treating process?

Thank you Angela and everyone else' caring and posting here. I feel much better now. And I recover very well and ready to go back to work. Life can be easy and simple and it can also change at any unexpected moment. I have experienced it and now get ready for next change, but from bad to good.