I have a really good job here in Canada that I'm not willing to give up. My husband has been working in China for the past 8 years. We have 2 kids, aged 6 and 3 and see each other about 2-3 months of the entire year whenever we can get vacation time together.

I have a really bad feeling my husband is cheating on me with somebody in China. He is still quite young (early 40s) and has no intention of moving back with me. But he has never really had an Asian fetish or anything like that - we're both Caucasian. But something is really off in our relationship and I'm having doubts. Do you think he's sharing his bed with some Chinese girl?

Really? I'm not sure you want an answer on this subject. I'm sure you will get one shortly. Be prepared...

What sort of things are happening to make you have doubts? I've been in a LDR for many years and it is very easy for miscommunications to arise, it takes a lot of effort from both partners to keep things going so do you feel like he's making an effort with you and your kids?

I smell a troll.

He cares for me and the kids but he loves his job more than our family I feel. And his job requires that be around attractive young Chinese females on a daily basis.

And when we're together, he doesn't seem as interested in sex anymore. He says "he's tired." But I have no real evidence beyond this. It's just a gut instinct.

thickchick wrote:I smell a troll.

How am I being a troll?

Don't want to sound rude; but 2 to 3 months together sounds more to me me that his maritial status is in China and not in Canada....We all know what's available here, which has nothing to do with an Asian fetish/yellow fever or whatever.

If he is not 'sharing a bed' with a Chinese girl, that would be something to really worry about.....

Face it dear, these kind of relationships you have can survive, but rarely and the fact he is sleeping with someone else, is that a very big thing looking at both your situation? You have taken a risk by staying home and choosing for your job. Your job choice is probably also containing a loss.....

Face it and accept it or leave it,

Good luck,
F

OP - is this a serious question? that you need to get answers from a public site?

If this is a serious question, here's my serious answer: YES

8 years is a long time. Usually long distance married couples make plans to be together eventually. You guys have any long term plans to live together or this will continue for the next 10 years?

In any case, YES !

Well, I'm not authority on the subject cause I'm not married, BUT in my very humble opinion when you are 'an ocean away' from somebody it is MEANT to happen.
If it is a challenge to stay connected with your partner when you are living under the same roof or the same town, how can you keep connected when you are on the other side of the planet?

You are either 100% IN or you are OUT, yes it is complicated............

Ask him ... then Trust him or Leave Him.

Job Done

Ginger555 wrote:Ask him ... then Trust him or Leave Him.

Job Done

Hear hear

Alphonsine wrote: Do you think he's sharing his bed with some Chinese girl?

Well it looks like it. Doesn't want to go back to where you are, not interested in sex when you're together?

I worked away from my wife for one year. When we managed to get together, about twice a month, it was like we'd just met for the first time. If it's not that for you there's something seriously wrong.

And you don't have to have an Asian festish to find the girls here ridiculously attractive.

8 years?!?!

I can't fathom a man or a woman that is able to stay faithful after 8 years apart...

Sorry to hear about your concern though, it must be hard Perhaps flat out ask him?

Wow, 8 years eh? Either you must have one helluva job, or you really don't like China. If you still love him, you should quit your job and move to China. But I'd say it'd be pretty strange for the both of you if you tried living under the same roof again.

The girls here - big sunglasses, small tits, nice arse, and a well 'airy minge.

Shangstar wrote:The girls here - big sunglasses, small tits, nice arse, and a well 'airy minge.

Yeah, I love 'em.

Your relationship is undoubtedly in serious "oxytocin deficit" since you spend only a few months per year together. And there's no solution on the horizon. Your sex-life is failing. Unless his sex-drive has really flagged (possible, but less likely than other reasons) he's found some other way to satisfy his urges. If he's faithful by nature, he's doing it himself. But that long away from his partner is enough to test even the most devoted man.

Unfortunately, my advice is probably far too late to help you. But it's better that you find out whether you have any future together so you can either fix it or move on. Ask him directly if he is sleeping with a woman or women in China. Then take it from there. If he says no, and you believe and trust him, ask him how he copes with his sex drive. Get him to talk about it and how he feels about your being apart. If it's not already broken, your relationship is headed for the dumpster unless you begin living - and sleeping - together again.

Let's assume he is. Maybe he's not, I have no way of knowing, but let's just say for the sake of argument, he is. How do you feel about that, if it's so? Is that a marriage-ender for you, or can you see a way forward, wherein you each can have your own, erm, needs attended to when you are apart, and still be a happy family when you are all together?

Honestly I think that first you need to work out what your position is, and then the two of you need to have a conversation. If something beyond monogamy is a no-go for you, and he is not in agreement, then maybe you both need to be free to move on to try to find other relationships. For me, with kids involved, I'd be more inclined to try to work out a "third way". It's not my ideal of a relationship, but if on the whole I was happy with the marriage and wanted to realistically preserve it, then maybe I could see my way to considering an open marriage. But I'm not you so I can't tell you how to feel about that.

Dear Newbie, it's been 40 years since this site is created. You have come to the right place. Please key Y/N next to each question to proceed. Ready?
1. Do you really really seek to know the truth..?
2. Will you be able to accept the truth..?
3. Have you been secretly seeing someone or given some thought to it..?
4. Do you have any form of savings..?

Alphonsinhe: You have some great advice here. I agree with all.
Short answer to your question will be YES.
Of course he is bedding a Chinese chick. You may be able to live with that, and of course that leaves the door open for you, as well.
I know a number of 3 people relationships that are GREAT.
You need to work out your priorities.
When you have a long time apart, as you have had, that is a huge risk, and takes more input from both.
Good luck to you.
.

^
Agreed.

8 years is a really long-time. Shanghai or elsewhere.

If you asked him about it there is a high probability that he will say 'no' (and a smaller probability that he is telling the truth) there really isn't much to do but assume that he is, and figure out how you feel about that. Or take him at his word and have some faith. Of course, if you haven't asked him already, you have to consider the possible consequences of questioning his fidelity.

I do not envy you

You know the answer to this question already. I guess you just wanted others to confirm it for you.

KalanStar wrote:If you still love him, you should quit your job and move to China.

Or if he still loves her, he should quit and move back home...

HiBeverly wrote:8 years?!?!

I can't fathom a man or a woman that is able to stay faithful after 8 years apart...

Sorry to hear about your concern though, it must be hard Perhaps flat out ask him?

YO NEWLY WED.......this is not a real post.... This is a joke.....8 years...I bet you guys can't go eight hours without doing the deed....8 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm too shallow for long distance relationships. I need a body in my bed. I figure someone who settles for an LDR has to either value money over love or actually prefer to be alone most of the time and not have to make compromises. Nothing wrong with either of those things, just important to be honest with one's self.

I think very very few LDRs work out without any cheating. It's just natural, you're a bit bored or lonely, someone gives you some attention, it starts off innocently with a coffee or dinner, then eventually you're in bed together.

Try reading Tony Parsons' My Favourite Wife. It covers this very topic and is based in Shanghai of all places!

Alphonsine wrote:He cares for me and the kids but he loves his job more than our family I feel. And his job requires that be around attractive young Chinese females on a daily basis.

And when we're together, he doesn't seem as interested in sex anymore. He says "he's tired." But I have no real evidence beyond this. It's just a gut instinct.

He could be really stressed, which would explain his lack of interest, but if he only sees you a few times a year, then surely he would be more interested? Have you noticed any changes in the past 8 years?

(sadly, in this case) A woman's intuition is usually right....

You might not want to confront your husband, but if you want an answer and to get on with your life (with or without him), you'll need to ask.

Good luck!

In my opinion, if you have been basically living separate lives for 8 years, you have already separated. He is probably not interested in sex as he doesn't want to cheat on the person who he actually shares his life with.

jzzzzzzz wrote:In my opinion, if you have been basically living separate lives for 8 years, you have already separated. He is probably not interested in sex as he doesn't want to cheat on the person who he actually shares his life with.

Ouch, that hurts !!!.

Probably very accurate what you just said

Alphonsine, just want to point out that if there is someone else, I wouldn't immediately assume that she would be a Chinese woman. It could be any type of person here - another expat wife, Japanese, Korean, European, American...

All kinds of relationships happen here, not just the Caucasian guy with Chinese local woman.