Needs some editing... but save a jewel...

Shanghai Open Chat - Favourite Quotes...
beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 05, 2008 - 08:51 PM
Post subject: Favourite Quotes... "So much of what a man was existed within and was known to himself and to those, even strangers, to whom he might occasionally, slowly, reveal it" David Malouf in Fly Away Peter beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 05, 2008 - 08:53 PM

Post subject: "It is such nonsense to pretend that those who have come down in the world are to be pitied above all others. The man who really merits pity is the man who has been down from the start, and faces poverty with a blank, resourceless mind" - George Orwell in Down and Out in London and Paris beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 05, 2008 - 08:55 PM
Post subject: "Generally it is our failures that civilise us. Triumph confirms us in our habits" - Clive James in Unreliable Memoirs beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 05, 2008 - 08:59 PM

Post subject: "Machu Picchu is a trip to the serenity of the soul, to eternal fusion with the cosmos, there we feel our own fragility. It is one of the greatest marvels of South America. A resting place of butterflies at the epicenter of the great circle of life. One more miracle" - Pablo Neruda in the Heights of Machu Picchu mat - Aug 05, 2008 - 09:14 PM
Post subject: If you're not first, you're last Scojay - Aug 05, 2008 - 09:58 PM
Post subject: "Are you gonna pull those pistols, or whistle Dixe" Clint Eastwood- The Outlaw Josey Wales. disconbobulated - Aug 05, 2008 - 11:17 PM

Post subject: Why buy the cow? When you get the milk for free! (Used in the context of marriage) sienna - Aug 05, 2008 - 11:19 PM
Post subject: "I like my money right where I can see it... hanging in my closet"

- Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, my idol thewalrus - Aug 06, 2008 - 09:50 AM
Post subject: I pity the Fool - Mr. T

Image mat - Aug 06, 2008 - 10:07 AM
Post subject: Get Stuffed - Reginald Remington Reagan III travelinjack3 - Aug 06, 2008 - 10:18 AM
Post subject: Sorry for the excess but I like them all.

Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.---- Robert A. Heinlein

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.---- Robert A. Heinlein

There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him.---- Robert A. Heinlein

You can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him.---- Robert A. Heinlein

Love your country, but never trust its government.---- Robert A. Heinlein

Political tags - such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth - are never basic criteria. The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

No statement should be believed because it is made by an authority. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing - with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for the second and third place. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word.---- Robert A. Heinlein

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh---- Robert A. Heinlein

Never insult anyone by accident. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

Pacifism is a shifty doctrine under which a man accepts the benefits of the social group without being willing to pay -- and claims a halo for his dishonesty.---- Robert A. Heinlein

Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.---- Robert A. Heinlein

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy---- Robert A. Heinlein

I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.---- Robert A. Heinlein

Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. Theologians can persuade themselves of anything. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

When any government, or any church for that matter, undertakes to say to its subjects, This you may not read, this you must not see, this you are forbidden to know, the end result is tyranny and oppression no matter how holy the motives. ---- Robert A. Heinlein

A long and wicked life followed by five minutes of perfect grace gets you into Heaven. An equally long life of decent living and good works followed by one outburst of taking the name of the Lord in vain - then have a heart attack at that moment and be damned for eternity. Is that the system? ---- Robert A. Heinlein

An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life.---- Robert A. Heinlein

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.---- Robert A. Heinlein

No matter where or what, there are makers, takers, and fakers.---- Robert A. Heinlein

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.---- Robert A. Heinlein

If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.---- Robert A. Heinlein

Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded- here and there, now and then- are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty. This is known as "bad luck." ---- Robert A. Heinlein

Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.-- Robert A. Heinlein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.---- Robert A. Heinlein

It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so...---- Robert A. Heinlein NeilUK39 - Aug 06, 2008 - 10:18 AM
Post subject: "I spent most of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest i just squandered' George Best

Sounds like a good way to live! SirFiddler - Aug 06, 2008 - 10:38 AM
Post subject: "Jam out with your Clam out " Ponzonia - Aug 06, 2008 - 11:49 AM
Post subject: "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me"

Hunter S Thompson hc - Aug 06, 2008 - 12:18 PM
Post subject: All by Mike Tyson.

"When you see me smash somebody's skull, you enjoy it."

"I try to catch them right on the tip of his nose because I try to punch the bone into the brain."

"Every shot was thrown with bad intentions. I was hoping he would get up so I could hit him again and keep him down."

"Real freedom is having nothing. I was freer when I didn't have a cent. Do you know what I do sometimes? Put on a ski mask and dress in old clothes, go out on the streets and beg for quarters."

"When I fight someone, I want to break his will. I want to take his manhood. I want to rip out his heart and show it to him."

"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."

"A lot of young women don't know what they're getting themselves into. A lot of them think it's fun, a game. . . . But they truly don't know what they're into when they lock themselves into a room and engage in sex with a man who knows how to handle a woman."

"I'm not much for talking. You know what I do. I put guys in body bags when I'm right."

My favourite one:

"The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and everyone's not true with themselves. All of these people who are heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives, if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide. They don't have the heart that I have. I've lived places they can't defecate in."

"I could sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

"I'm not Mother Teresa, but I'm not Charles Manson either."

"It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore ... Unless you want to, you know."

"I wish that you guys had children so I could kick them in the **** head or stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain because that's the pain I have waking up every day."

"There's no one perfect. We're always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious -- but we're not criminally, at least I'm not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of my most of my money, can I at least get head without the people wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?"

"I feel like sometimes that I was born, that I'm not meant for this society because everyone here is a **** hypocrite. Everybody says they believe in God but they don't do God's work. Everybody counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I'm a Muslim, but do you think Jesus would love me ... I think Jesus would have a drink with me and discuss ... why you acting like that? Now, he would be cool. He would talk to me. No Christian ever did that and said in the name of Jesus even ... They'd throw me in jail and write bad articles about me and then go to church on Sunday and say Jesus is a wonderful man and he's coming back to save us. But they don't understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy capitalistic men are gonna kill him again."

"I've got nowhere to live. I've been crashing with friends, literally sleeping in shelters. Unsavoury characters are giving me money and I'm taking it. I need it. The drug dealers, they sympathise with me. They see me as some sort of pathetic character... I know I was a tough, bad-ass talking fighter, but I ain't no mob figure. I did my time for the rape. I paid my money to Las Vegas. I paid my dues. I ain't the same person I was when I bit that guy's ear off." Lordlunchalot - Aug 06, 2008 - 12:46 PM
Post subject: Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. Homer Simpson p1atl10 - Aug 06, 2008 - 12:54 PM
Post subject: Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers

My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.
Cary Grant

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Garrison Keillor

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
E. B. White p1atl10 - Aug 06, 2008 - 12:56 PM
Post subject: and my favorites:
(aside from my sig line....)

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Dave Barry bloomark - Aug 06, 2008 - 04:17 PM
Post subject: You're young, you have fun. you age, you get......responsibilities. You get even older, people stop caring about you and then you die......I'm excited about that.
Mark Wahlberg

I get asked for ID when I order a drink in England......where the drinking agae is 18!
Natalie Portman

She really had, like, every single person's number in the entire, like, northern continent of the United States......America was just completely devastated by her. I had to get rid of my number that I somehow was able to keep for six years.
Cameron Diaz on being in Paris Hilton's hacked Sidekick bloomark - Aug 06, 2008 - 04:22 PM
Post subject: The problem was......nobody in that f--king place booed the dumb joke.
Sean Penn on Oscar host Chris Rock's dis on Jude Law, whom Rock suggested wasn't a good actor.

Matt Damon's rough childhood was not some 8 Miles bulls--t where you go and have a rap-off. And unlike the Good Will Hunting screenwriter, I would make a Beantown film that was about more than a f--king kid doing math.
Mark Wahlberg on firing on Matt Damon and Eminem. bloomark - Aug 06, 2008 - 04:25 PM
Post subject: Matt Damon's rough childhood was not some 8 Miles bulls--t where you go and have a rap-off. And unlike the Good Will Hunting screenwriter, I would make a Beantown film that was about more than a f--king kid doing math.
Mark Wahlberg on firing on Matt Damon and Eminem.

Perhaps that's why Mark gave a Beantown punch on Matt in Martin Scorsese's The Departed. Scojay - Aug 06, 2008 - 09:30 PM
Post subject: "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal labotomy" WC Fields.
Revived by tom Waits during an interview on the talk show America2night May 25, 1978. SnappySammy - Aug 06, 2008 - 10:05 PM
Post subject: Take the Canoles leave The Gun or is it Leave the Gun Take the Canoles Scojay - Aug 06, 2008 - 10:38 PM
Post subject:
SnappySammy wrote:
Take the Canoles leave The Gun or is it Leave the Gun Take the Canoles


Classic Godfather quote.

Even better:
I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?...Funny how? How am I funny? Joe Pescei- Goodfella's. liupei - Aug 06, 2008 - 10:47 PM
Post subject: "fukc 'em"

rambo 111 bloomark - Aug 07, 2008 - 01:27 PM
Post subject: Clever Terrorsists, they blocked their cocks.
The Onion Movie Michael - Aug 07, 2008 - 01:40 PM
Post subject: Quote from Robert Anton Wilson.. one of my favorite authors who I found out died in last year. Will post some quotes from him later. MAYBE.. this is interesting though...

"Let's seed them more widely right here! Can you explain to our readers what (Maybe Logic, the Snafu Law and the Cosmic Schmuck Law) are?"

"Maybe Logic is a label that got stuck on my ideas by filmmaker Lance Bauscher. I decided it fits. I certainly recognize the central importance in my thinking -- or in my stumbling and fumbling efforts to think -- of non-Aristotelian systems. That includes von Neumann's three-valued logic [true, false, maybe], Rappoport's four-valued logic [true, false, indeterminate, meaningless], Korzybski's multi-valued logic [degrees of probability.] and also Mahayana Buddhist paradoxical logic [it "is" A. it "is" not A, it "is" both A and not A, it "is" neither A nor not A]. But, as an extraordinarily stupid fellow, I can't use such systems until I reduce them to terms a simple mind like mine can handle, so I just preach that we'd all think and act more sanely if we had to use "maybe" a lot more often. Can you imagine a world with Jerry Falwell hollering "Maybe Jesus 'was' the son of God and maybe he hates Gay people as much as I do" -- or every tower in Islam resounding with "There 'is' no God except maybe Allah and maybe Mohammed is his prophet"?

The Snafu law holds that, the greater your power to punish, the less factual feedback you will receive. If you can fire people for telling you what you don't want to hear, you will only hear what you want. This law seems to apply to all authoritarian contraptions, especially governments and corporations. Concretely, I suspect Bozo knows factually less about the world than any dogcatcher in Biloxi.

The Cosmic Schmuck law holds that [1] the more often you suspect you may be thinking or acting like a Cosmic Schmuck, the less of a Cosmic Schmuck you will become, year by year, and [2] if you never suspect you might think or act like a Cosmic Schmuck, you will remain a Cosmic Schmuck for life Michael - Aug 07, 2008 - 01:46 PM
Post subject: George Carlin

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

***
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

***
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

***
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

***
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

***
What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.

***
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

***
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. -- (Brain Droppings, 1997)

***
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. -- (Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help, 1984)

***
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions. -- (Napalm and Silly Putty, 2001)
[ Funny Intellect Quotes] [ Funny America Quotes]
***
If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work. -- (Brain Droppings, 1997)

***
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

***
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

***
"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

***
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
***
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
*** p1atl10 - Aug 07, 2008 - 04:30 PM
Post subject: When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
Robert Benchley

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
Joe E. Lewis

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.
Joe E. Lewis

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 07, 2008 - 09:08 PM
Post subject: Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words - "wait and hope" - Edmond Dantes, The Count of Monte Cristo SnappySammy - Aug 07, 2008 - 09:14 PM
Post subject: This somehow went from Favorite Quotes to Favorite Carlin Jokes travelinjack3 - Aug 07, 2008 - 09:21 PM
Post subject: I never drink water, fish f**k in it. W.C. Fields SnappySammy - Aug 07, 2008 - 09:27 PM
Post subject: another joke! beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 09, 2008 - 09:15 PM
Post subject: 历史的脚印随着奥运降临... ShiMaiDe - Aug 10, 2008 - 12:29 AM
Post subject: Never trust a black-haired Chinamen. disconbobulated - Aug 10, 2008 - 01:36 AM
Post subject: Id rather have a bottle in front of me....than a frontal lobotomy Bohica - Aug 11, 2008 - 10:14 AM
Post subject: What you do speaks so loudly , I cannot hear what you say Buzzd - Aug 11, 2008 - 12:38 PM
Post subject: hc wrote:
Quote:

All by Mike Tyson.


Tasted like chicken. tomnoddy_uk - Aug 11, 2008 - 12:38 PM
Post subject: Mark Twain, on travel


“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.”

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” Buzzd - Aug 11, 2008 - 12:40 PM
Post subject: If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. ThomasCaron - Aug 11, 2008 - 01:08 PM
Post subject: “One can acquire everything in solitude - except character.”

- Stendhal


"If it has to choose who is to be crucified, the crowd will always save Barabbas."

- Jean Cocteau


". . . and so grow gently old down all the unchanging days, and die one day like any other day, only shorter."

- Samuel Beckett SnappySammy - Aug 15, 2008 - 01:22 AM
Post subject: Ever Notice The only Normal people are people you don't know very well"

Joe Ancis yingying236 - Aug 21, 2008 - 09:02 AM
Post subject: A badly designed road sign might kill you: death by typography is a real possibility.

Adrian Shaughnessy beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 21, 2008 - 10:09 AM
Post subject: "It is in my blood, but I don't know how to use it" - South American friend's response when asked that given he is South American, he should be a great latin dancer... SirFiddler - Aug 21, 2008 - 11:10 AM
Post subject:
beautiful_mind0905 wrote:
"It is in my blood, but I don't know how to use it" - South American friend's response when asked that given he is South American, he should be a great latin dancer...



one for the history books ... Nathalie25 - Aug 21, 2008 - 11:23 AM
Post subject: It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.


Albert Einstein Nathalie25 - Aug 21, 2008 - 11:26 AM
Post subject: If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.

Emerson M. Pugh Goosie - Aug 21, 2008 - 11:41 AM
Post subject: "Rejoice!"

Arseny Nathalie25 - Aug 21, 2008 - 11:46 AM
Post subject: "Nuthalie"


Henry or HC beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 21, 2008 - 07:52 PM
Post subject: Who is Henry? Q - Aug 21, 2008 - 08:00 PM
Post subject: Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut ~Hemingway beautiful_mind0905 - Aug 21, 2008 - 08:05 PM
Post subject: Asked why he wasn't religious by Andrew Denton, Peter Singer's response was "I'm not religious because looking at the world around us... the world seems to be essentially not a place that could've been created by a benevolent being. If you knew the way the world was going to turn out and you were also benevolent and you didn't want people or innocent beings of any kind to suffer, you would've created a world that's very different from ours."

Just to ad somemore after Hobojuice's inspiration

A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is

one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.



On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
-- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?" I said, "yes". -- Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. -- Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list. -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
-- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded. -- Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
-- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
-- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-- Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
-- Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests. -- Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
-- Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare? -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
-- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. -- Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
making?" "A salt lick." -- Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend. -- Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. -- Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
-- Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. -- Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. -- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
-- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
-- Steven Wright

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. -- Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives. -- Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business. -- Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. -- Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done. -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough. -- Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum. -- Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
-- Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -- Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
-- Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." -- Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed. -- Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
-- Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing. -- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?" -- Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -- Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle. -- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out. -- Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
-- Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded." -- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
-- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening. -- Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this. -- Steven Wright

This isn't all true. -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. -- Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. -- Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?" -- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me. -- Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
-- Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones? -- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
-- Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that." -- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?" -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
-- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it. -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four." -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord. -- Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens on it." -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday." -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious! -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes. -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick. -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again. -- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them. -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. -- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
-- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving. -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
sounds *amazing*. -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
-- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the
place. -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was. -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired. -- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it." -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..." -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing. -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by. -- Steven Wright

nice