A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yell.........ed at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot became even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing the parrot was hurt, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s arm and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made the dramatic change in his behavior, the bird began to softly speak, “May I ask what the turkey did?

Gonna translate this one.

Wife is making an omelette for husband. Husband walks and stands next to her then starts talking:
- More butter. More. Not too much. Use the spoon. Still too little butter. More salt. MORE SALT! You always forget about the salt. Turn it around. CAREFUL! What the hell are you doing... easy there. I'M SAYING CAREFUL! You are gonna burn it, reduce the fire...
She finally has enough of it and asks:
- What the **** are you doing? U don't even know how to cook an egg so how dare you tell me what to do?
Husband replies:
- I just wanted to show you how I feel when I'm driving and you are siting next to me.

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," he says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
Just as he thought, the man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing among the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that's how you wave a towel , you fuuuuucking idiot

Man says to God, "God why did you make women so beautiful?"

God said "So you will be attracted to them my son"

Man says "Ok God so then why did you make them
so stupid?"

God replies "To make them attracted to you!"

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

A couple were enjoying a romantic cozy dinner at a fine restaurant.
The woman gazed out the window blissfully.
Their waiter ran over very excited and said to the woman,
"Your husband has just fallen under the table, is he feeling ill?"
The woman replied, "No, my husband is fine - he just walked in the front door!"

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got
pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got
pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant
again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

My Chinese friend went to a forced blind date with two Shanghaiense girls.

The dialouge is very interesting.

The first Shanghai girl said: "Do you live alone or with your parents? How much do you earn every month? What's your plan for future? Do you have an apartment? Do you have a BMW car?"

Another Shanghai girl's question is very stuble, "How much is the car parking fee in your (Xiao Qu)neighborhood?" Which implies: Do you have a car? And do you have a house?

You know what did my non-property-owner Chinese man say?

He replied," I don't have an apartment. I don't have a BMW car. My only hobby is to beat woman."

Then both the two girsl want to leave.

My Chinese friend faltered, " True! I don't have an apartment, but a villa. I don't have a BMW, but a Bentley and a Benz. Sorry!"

Suddenly, the girls bouced back to the seat, one of the girls smiling:" You are so bad! So naughty! But I like that!"

The other girl pinched the Chinese guy, "If I love U, I can live in a pigsty with U. If I don't, Buckingham Palace is prison."

The Chinese man is my Japanese teacher! LOL.............

Why everybody is talking about the housing market? Is that really that important?

I am so bored with that.

I mean everybody has a place to live (except the bum). Either rent or buy. Big or small.

I hate those man try to get a girl (wife) by material stuff.

I hate those Fu Er Dai pesting on parents who are just empty vessels make more noise.

Adele

A fireman tells his bride that he wants sex whne he comes home from the firehouse. "When I shout One Bell, it means get undressed. Two Bells, get in bed. Three Bells, spread your legs."
A few days later, he comes home to test his system.
"One Bell!" he yells, and his wife strips.
"Two Bells!" he yells, and his wife hops in bed.
"Three Bells!" he yells, and her legs part for him.
... A few minutes into the lovemaking and suddenly his wife yells out, "Four Bells!"
"What the hell is Four Bells!?" the fireman snorts.
"It means I need more hose."

When 3 people have sex together they say it is a 3-some.
When 2 people have sex together they say it is a 2-some.

So I wonder if my thinking is right when a guy says he is "handsome"?

Suzy_Xu wrote:When 3 people have sex together they say it is a 3-some.
When 2 people have sex together they say it is a 2-some.

So I wonder if my thinking is right when a guy says he is "handsome"?

LIE DETECTOR
 
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
 
The son says "at school dad."
 
Robot slaps the son!
 
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend's house!"
 
"What dvd?"
 
"Toy story."
 
Robot slaps the son again!
 
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
 
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what fluffy was" says the dad.
 
Robot slaps the dad!
 
Mum laughs "Ha Ha Ha! He's certainly your son."
 
Robot slaps the mum.

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across
a pathway for a hundred years, when, one day, an angel comes down from the heavens and, with a single gesture,
brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you
have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

The male statue looks at the female, and she looks at him. Then, without a word, they run together into the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently while the bushes rustle and sounds of laughter ensue. After fifteen minutes, the two former statues walk out of the bushes, breathless and laughing.



The angel says to them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left; would you care to do it again?"

The male turns to his female counterpart and asks, "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shiiit on its head