How do you take it to the next level with a Chinese girl?

Some back ground.

I am not out to shag anything that moves. I genuinely want a good Chinese girl to become my girl friend. I only have good intentions. So before someone goes off on a "slip her a roofie" tirade, save it for Chinabra.

I do not live in Shanghai. I live in a smaller tier 3/4 city. I have not been able to become friends with the locals for reasons that are beyond me. Perhaps they are too traditional. This girl that I would like to take the next step with is from a different city.

Her. 26 yrs old. Art teacher. Super cool. Has an design degree. We communicate no problem. We have known each other a couple months. Been on several dates. Have lot's in common. We both like design, art, photography etc.

I get the impression that she can't find a Chinese guy. Perhaps she doesn't get along with them? I'm not sure. It seems as such. She can speak a little English, it's cute. I'm sure it would get better if we started a relationship. But again, I can speak Chinese so it's all good.

Her family seems super rad. At least from what I can tell. I've seen some photos and they are always smiling. She also is always smiling. She loves kids. I have been around her and kids at the same time and have shown her that I too love kids. I really do, I wasn't putting on a show, but I did know that she would be watching. She's open to other things. She doesn't just sit in front of a f*king tv all day and whine about going outside in the rain. She asks me questions seems interested in me. I say this because I've talked to my fair share of girls here in China and I feel like this one could be a keeper. I've talked to many of girls that were more boring than a red brick wall. She isn't. I am actually interested in her.

Her family seems open to the idea. I talked to her over the new year in English at her home with people in the back ground. She's talked to me since, so I assume she didn't get the "no" from the big bosses.

All and all I really like her. She is different from other mostly normal Chinese girls. She's mature, grown up, and open. Not in a "open leg" sort of way. She was nervous when we first met but wasn't closed and not talking.

So, my question is, how to I seal this deal? Are schedules are a little bit of a hassle. She always says yes to meeting me. She ditched a work party to hang before the new year. She is very polite. I don't want to let her drift away or whatever you want to call it.

I've haven't been in many serious relationships with Chinese girls. I'm not sure of what makes them tick. So far everything has been going good. Perhaps someone has some suggestions.

Yes I know this is a internet forum, but, when you live in butt fu*k nowhere and see 3 whites maybe every six months you don't have many people to talk to. So that is why I come here and ask. I only ask you keep it to honest advice. Any advice along the lines of "put it in her butt" I will take note of. First I have to get her, then perhaps I will be able to "put it in her butt." So lets focus on that first.

So far I have a few options.

One: keep just dating her like I am. Once or twice a week go out and eat dinner, talk, etc. Until she wants me to make a move and I blow it because I am too conservative.

Two: I speed it up. Take her out and say I like her, see where it goes, then possible get busted for being the White guy that moves too fast.


Obviously there two options pertain to just about every culture. I had one girl that did just about everything that this girl has done but didn't want a boyfriend. But on the other hand, I've had other girls that didn't do all of this that couldn't not try to be my girlfriend. Both in China.

So, any advice, tips, signs, perhaps anything else that I might use to decipher what she wants, would be met with great appreciation.

I just got back from a trip to Europe and I have a few gifts that I would like to give her. Also a pretty good time to implement a suggestion or two.

Thank you.

I didn' get the point. What you want? Especially in a smaller city like yours there are only two types of girls, the ones everybody can have or the real girls you might be interested in. But what you expect from her? Play around with you for a year or so, be your GF, fukc her and leave her behind? She knows, that after this she will never find a local guy for marrigae anymore, not if she was with a foreigner. So if you are talking seriously, than only chase her if you really want to go that next level, that means marrying her later. You are in China, and not in Shanghai.

MeSoHorny wrote:I didn' get the point. What you want? Especially in a smaller city like yours there are only two types of girls, the ones everybody can have or the real girls you might be interested in. But what you expect from her? Play around with you for a year or so, be your GF, fukc her and leave her behind? She knows, that after this she will never find a local guy for marrigae anymore, not if she was with a foreigner. So if you are talking seriously, than only chase her if you really want to go that next level, that means marrying her later. You are in China, and not in Shanghai.

^ That.

What are you, like 17 years old? Oooo I don't know if I should say I like her or not and will she like me? That's what you sound like bro


Puleeze

There is nothing anyone can tell you other than grow up a bit, be a man and let the relationship go wherever it goes and

MeSoHorny wrote:I didn' get the point. What you want? Especially in a smaller city like yours there are only two types of girls, the ones everybody can have or the real girls you might be interested in. But what you expect from her? Play around with you for a year or so, be your GF, fukc her and leave her behind? She knows, that after this she will never find a local guy for marrigae anymore, not if she was with a foreigner. So if you are talking seriously, than only chase her if you really want to go that next level, that means marrying her later. You are in China, and not in Shanghai.

1000% right

If I'm thinking correctly, have you made her squirt yet?

If not, then you're still on the same level.

MeSoHorny wrote:I didn' get the point. What you want? Especially in a smaller city like yours there are only two types of girls, the ones everybody can have or the real girls you might be interested in. But what you expect from her? Play around with you for a year or so, be your GF, fukc her and leave her behind? She knows, that after this she will never find a local guy for marrigae anymore, not if she was with a foreigner. So if you are talking seriously, than only chase her if you really want to go that next level, that means marrying her later. You are in China, and not in Shanghai.

What do I want? I want her you Effing retard. I guess you couldn't infer that from the post could you. Jesus. Dense. Plus I never said that I wanted to F her for a year or so and then dump her thus ruining her entire life. You don't think I know this. Whatever.

Yes I am serious. I wouldn't be chasing her if I wasn't. My question was how to take it to the next level. As in her becoming my GF, exclusive, etc.

The joys of a anonymous internet forum.

On a side note I find it interesting that marriage is very important here, but you have to basically jump into it. For instance, your saying that for her to become my GF I have to basically commit to marrying her. But to find out if I want to marry her I have to be around her, but to be around her in a way that would simulate marriage I have to be her BF, but to do that I have to marry her. Jesus. Maybe I'll just become her big brother, buy her expensive ****, then one night get her drunk and get it over with.

Why don't you go preach to all the Chinese guys taking advantage of Chinese girls.

Untitled wrote:Jesus. Dense. Plus I never said that I wanted to F her for a year or so and then dump her thus ruining her entire life.

You really didn't communicate your intent particularly well. "Taking it to the next level" and "wanting her to be my girlfriend" is not what most Chinese women want. They typically want to get married. Maybe you do, too, but you didn't say so, and I wouldn't have inferred it from your original post. Just so you know, with many Chinese girls IF YOU ARE GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND, THAT IMPLIES INTENTION TO MARRY.

Effective communication takes two. Don't blame others when you weren't clear enough.

rickettyrabbit wrote:

Untitled wrote:Jesus. Dense. Plus I never said that I wanted to F her for a year or so and then dump her thus ruining her entire life.

You really didn't communicate your intent particularly well. "Taking it to the next level" and "wanting her to be my girlfriend" is not what most Chinese women want. They typically want to get married. Maybe you do, too, but you didn't say so, and I wouldn't have inferred it from your original post. Just so you know, with many Chinese girls IF YOU ARE GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND, THAT IMPLIES INTENTION TO MARRY.

Effective communication takes two. Don't blame others when you weren't clear enough.

1000% correct
At 26, She is not looking for a BF, she is looking for a Husband...I am sure her family is sick worried right now if she does not have a "BF"

why dont u just hint and see how she thinks then decide what to do?

Untitled wrote:Yes I am serious. I wouldn't be chasing her if I wasn't. My question was how to take it to the next level. As in her becoming my GF, exclusive, etc.

Again, how old are you?

Speaking as a girl, you need to ask her if you want her to be your girlfriend. I expect she is open to a relationship with a western guy or she would not be going out with you in the first place. Just make sure you understand the implications as others have pointed out.
Many girls will never make the first move so if you dont nothing will ever happen. Yes you might get rejected but You wont know until you try.

rickettyrabbit wrote:

Untitled wrote:Jesus. Dense. Plus I never said that I wanted to F her for a year or so and then dump her thus ruining her entire life.

You really didn't communicate your intent particularly well. "Taking it to the next level" and "wanting her to be my girlfriend" is not what most Chinese women want. They typically want to get married. Maybe you do, too, but you didn't say so, and I wouldn't have inferred it from your original post. Just so you know, with many Chinese girls IF YOU ARE GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND, THAT IMPLIES INTENTION TO MARRY.

Effective communication takes two. Don't blame others when you weren't clear enough.

I guess that I know that being boyfriend and girlfriend with a Chinese girl means basically you are engaged. So when I said that I want her to become my girlfriend, I know, as you just stated, that, IF YOU ARE GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND, THAT IMPLIES INTENTION TO MARRY. But I suppose that others probably think I don't know and thusly have gotten confused.

It's been a long long time since I have found anyone that I find interesting. Unless you are in a major city, for the most part it's hard to find a girl that I can relate to. Not impossible but nearly. So personally would like to see how far it will go. If it goes all the way, fine. If not, life's a bit*ch.

Christin90 wrote:Speaking as a girl, you need to ask her if you want her to be your girlfriend. I expect she is open to a relationship with a western guy or she would not be going out with you in the first place. Just make sure you understand the implications as others have pointed out.
Many girls will never make the first move so if you dont nothing will ever happen. Yes you might get rejected but You wont know until you try.

Thank you. This is what I was looking for. I figured as such that since she was still talking with me that there is a good chance that she was ok with it. However I've been wrong before.

not to sound like a pig, but I would try to get it in...then take it from there, sounds like she is ready. Ever seen Clan of the Cave Bear? Time to pull a Daryl Hannah on her!!

How old are you dude?

I think it depends on what she thinks about relationship and marriage. In China there is no "dating" culture so everything is so serious. You could casually mention about these topics to see her opinions. If she thinks your intention to date and see how it goes as to prepare to marry her, when things don't work out she might feel very hurt.
Then I suggest that you make the move, if you do sense the mutual affection. Even though I don't mind who is making the first step, I would still appreciate the guy takes the lead.
You might also give her a book about dating culture, such as Mars And Venus on a Date ( if you haven't read it, I recommend it to you too).

It seems like if you've been hanging out this long you should have played the hypothetical game a million times over. Chinese girls love this. What if.... what would you do? You should have run through all possible marriage, relationship, lifestyle scenarios imaginable by now. If not, you should (as another poster suggested) steer the conversation in that direction. After correctly answering an untold number of "what if" questions about hypothetical Chinese girls and western guys getting together, you should know where you stand.

Also, you've been hanging out a long time. Don't you feel comfortable just telling her how you feel? Don't you think your relationship can handle this possibly awkward conversation? Don't you think the positive outcome could be worth the potential failure?

Even if she says she likes you, she's probably going to reject your first, and second attempt to do anything physical. Keep trying. Bu yao doesn't always mean bu yao.

I'm not local, but I am chinese.

I cant quite tell how well you know her, but if you've met her family, then you likely know her quite well already. My first thought was : why cant you just ask her exactly what you wrote on here? I think if you're not comfortable enough to ask the girl about your honest thoughts, then you're likely not ready for the answer.

Every chinese girl is different. She might be more traditional, or, she might be just out to get herself a foreign guy (she seems to be more the traditional-type i assume?) That being said, since everyone is different. Noone can give you a very good answer, only she can. So, I say, just be up front. Tell her you like her, and that you understand you have very different backgrounds, and ask her what the next step with her might look like because you dont want to offend/push her in any way. You should probably decide whether you might want to marry her too, cus a very traditional chinese girl usually only dates once or twice, then gets married. (yes, its odd)

good luck

Well, Thanks for all the replies. They were for the most part exactly what I was thinking. I just wanted to make sure.

Now the main issue is time. I really don't get what it is here in China. I know that it's an issue too in other parts of the world. But for some reason no one ever calls you back, or calls, or has time, or anything here. I say that because with just about every person that I know, no one has time. Including this girl.

It doesn't take a genius to infer that perhaps there is a problem. Maybe she doesn't want to have a dinner with me. Which is ok, because I don't want to be a friend. Or she is not interested anymore which is weird because she has shown all the signs that I would expect a girl that is interested show. Also, why still talk with me if you are not interested anymore? Weird.

So providing that, I am not a problem, why can't girls make time? This girl and every other girl I know. Never have any time. Work, friends, etc. They all seem like they want to get married. There is the stereotype that Chinese girls want to be married and start a family and what not. I think that for the most part is true but, they don't make time to go out. So how can you become BF/GF if you don't go out.

I guess I'll never understand it.

Anyway, in regards to this topic, here is what is going on.

We had gone out before Chinese New Year. Had some good times. Etc. She seems super interested. As was I. I gave her a gift that she had never gotten before. She was super super happy. Blown away even. I could safely use the word amazed.

CNY comes and she heads home. We talk over the holiday. I head out of the country for work. I call a few times while I am out of China. One time she said she was at home, we spoke English. I would assume that her parents or at least some family knows that she is talking with a foreigner. I've been burnt on this step a few times by the parents.

Sidenote: I have her QQ, her sisters QQ, her Weixin.

I come back. I have some gifts for her. I send her texts which she never replies to. But that is nothing new. She was spotty replying to anyway. Not a bad thing. I don't want a girl that is always replying to texts when I am around. So no big deal.

I called her too a few times since we have both been back. About 10 days now. She is always with someone. I don't know who, or if this someone is male or female. Whatever. But it kinda bites because if she has time for them why not me. If she is not interested in me, why keep talking with me. Why be soo happy when talking with me and why treat me the way that she does. It's not hard to know when a girl wants you to bugger off. She doesn't seem that way.


I called her a week ago and she says she is busy this week with work. I then ask what she is doing and she says she is eating dinner with a friend. So.. yeah. No time for me but time for a dinner with a friend. I then ask about the next few days. Still busy. She then says that she has to go eat. We say goodbye.

A few texts throughout the next week with no reply.

I call last night and her phone is busy. I call again and some other automated message. I send a text asking what the hell is going one, and no reply. Only a few hours later she texts me that her phone was out of power. I reply that I was out and about and wanted to see her. No reply.

I do know that she is actually busy. But I need something here. Throw me something. Call me and tell me that your busy. A text. etc. You can send a text it takes 3 seconds. In fact you can do it while you are doing a lot of other tasks. Going to the bathroom, eating, waiting for a meal, etc.

I think the writing is on the wall. I honestly don't know what the hell changed. CNY put a damper on things. It was too long. Now Valentines is coming up. If I can't get a date with her then, well, it's over. It's pretty obvious if you like a guy you will go out with him, but if you give him an excuse well, I can read into it. I know enough Chinese culture.

Something changed over the holiday which usually happens when most of the girls that I talk to see their parents again. I've had a few, as in more than 2, happen this way. Everything is going good. On track to a relationship when she sees her parents and something happens. She changes. I've had friends of the girls I talk to outright tell them that foreigners are devils, thieves and are not to be trusted. I've had more opportunities sabotaged by family, friends, big brothers, and little sisters then I can shake a stick at. But that happens everywhere. Nothing you can do.

So if I can see her again, I'm just going to lay it out. I can't put up with bullsh*t like this. I don't want to be with someone who is always with someone, i.e., is overly social. I'm not saying that a girl can't have friends but if you are not going to want to make time for me then what's the point. I also get annoyed with my texts not being replied to. Yes perhaps everyone is an idiot and forgets to reply or whatever. But something would be nice. Me: "Hey, what's up, you busy." Even if she is busy something like: "Yes, busy, I'll hit you up later." and then really hit me up later. Never happens. Not with this girl or just about any other girl I have talked to. The only girl that was ontop of it the parents put the kabash on it. So, yeah, that sucks.

It seems sometimes that I am the only person in the entire world that is ontop of life and communication. You send me a message or text. You get a reply, promptly. If I can't talk a quick text and I follow up later. But China it seems is a different animal and so are it's ladies.

Sorry I am unable to give you any better suggestions than what many have already said.

I just wanted to drop by, say I hope that you get it solved satisfactorily, and that, as a writer, I quite like your writing style. Nothing more than that.

sorry, i dont wanna sound overly rude and direct, but, i think she's giving you the cold shoulder. it is difficult for some chinese girls to be with a foreigner. the cultural differences are too big for some girls and families. her family obviously swayed her away from you, from reading your last post. i say - move on. sorry

also, being a girl. if i really want to talk to a guy and see a guy, i will. it sounds like she's trying to be nice and you cant quite get the hint... just saying (but then again, you could just ignore what i say, cus im jsut another person on a forum)

It seems like she's gotten away. She perhaps met someone else while you were gone. Maybe her family set her up with a guy. It's hard to know what happened. Sounds like you should probably let her go. Sorry man.

Hey, no worries. I got the hint. It wasn't hard. I'm not stalking her.

I guess my next question is that, it is that normal for this to happen all the time. Pending I'm not the ugliest person in the world, why is it that I can't find a girl to follow through.

It's cake getting numbers, digits, QQ, weixin, but when it comes to starting a relationship, it never happens. It's odd. If there was signs it would be obvious. Dates go bad etc. But for the most part usually everything is hunky dory then it just stops.

If I lived in Beijing, Shanghai, Shenzhen it would also be pretty easy to pick up girls, the bad ones. But I don't want that. So I am actually a good guy that doesn't want to hurt girls and just sleep with them, and I can't find one that wants that either. Kind of a juxtaposition don't you think.

It's frustrating. Of course I think I am super cool and a good guy, but why can't anyone else see that? My friend's wife is Chinese, she doesn't have any local friends or she would hook me up, even she is perplexed as to why in the hell I can't find a girl.

I feel your pain.

ah it's so difficult to tell what the problem is really! I think if I meet you I'll know why.

Dude.. no offense... but if you've been seeing this girl for months you need to make a move. Otherwise she will assume you're insecure and low value. Even Chinese guys will try to make a move within a date or two such as getting a kiss or taking things to the next level.

This has nothing to do with Chinese culture. It's universal for all men and women. If you treat a girl like a fried eventually some guy will come along that treats her as a girlfriend.

do not learn from henri...

Haha. I've tried both ways, and I have yet to deduce statistically which one is more effective. Taking it slow or moving in fast.

All and all it is a hodgepodge of confusion that men have struggled with for thousands upon thousands of years.

With this specific girl I was ready to marry her. Well, at least act like it. She was probably the best girl I have met yet in China. But she didn't make the time to see me for me to make a move. Kinda hard when your ready to go but she is always busy.

So whatever, I've moved on. For now a 500ml bottle of booze will be a good enough lover tonight.

Untitled wrote:Hey, no worries. I got the hint. It wasn't hard. I'm not stalking her.

I guess my next question is that, it is that normal for this to happen all the time. Pending I'm not the ugliest person in the world, why is it that I can't find a girl to follow through.

It's cake getting numbers, digits, QQ, weixin, but when it comes to starting a relationship, it never happens. It's odd. If there was signs it would be obvious. Dates go bad etc. But for the most part usually everything is hunky dory then it just stops.

If I lived in Beijing, Shanghai, Shenzhen it would also be pretty easy to pick up girls, the bad ones. But I don't want that. So I am actually a good guy that doesn't want to hurt girls and just sleep with them, and I can't find one that wants that either. Kind of a juxtaposition don't you think.

It's frustrating. Of course I think I am super cool and a good guy, but why can't anyone else see that? My friend's wife is Chinese, she doesn't have any local friends or she would hook me up, even she is perplexed as to why in the hell I can't find a girl.

It is normal I think... there are so many awesome single girls out there... esp in big cities. So... don't think you're the only one being single in the world.

Sometimes it just happens, people might feel a bit attraction then as it goes, it just fades away. Perhaps you're not her type, perhaps she just wants to find someone who will definitely marry soon, perhaps she's just being polite to you. The movie 500 days with Summer is like that. When feelings fade, there is nothing we could do but to learn to let it go and move on.

Another thing is that, it could well be your frustration subconsciously affects the air you carry yourself. You might have done something that changed her mind, but you didn't realize that. It's hard to say judged this far.

I've encountered those things before too, and it makes sad as well. Then I just realize that I I have to let it go. After all love is free to go, if we don't give others freedom we won't be free either. So don't lose hope, but keep being a good guy who hopes for love and good relationship. It doesn't guarantee you a girlfriend soon, but it is simply good for your wellbeing.