So I thought this topic might get interesting...

What is the strangest, funniest, or craziest thing a Chinese student has ever said to you?

One of my AS level students (11th grade), says to me everyday... dian dong de... (电动的） it means electrical and I seriously have no idea why he says it, but I swear to god every time I see the boy that is what he says... we all think he has some problem. His English is apparently perfectly fine, but he never stops saying that....

Another one once said to a friend of mine, "Teacher? Did you have to study to become so humorous or were you born this way?"

I'm paging Gay C right now. He must have tons of stories. Hopefully a couple of dirty ones too.

A guy I taught with in Tallinn in 1998 told me about a student he had in Moscow. Apparently he was a bit unpopular so took my mate to one side and told him that: "Students laugh at me like dog. I take then to forest and suffer them with chains."

Hopefully you won't come across anything like that.

Mostly stuff that I thought was bizarrely rhetoric-like before I eventually realised that is was rhetoric.

This is second-hand and old, but I found it funny.

An ESL teacher I know was prepping Chinese students who had come to Canada in the 1980s for MBA programs. She had a Canadian government grant to teach them in an all-day conversational English course for 3 months before they went on to various universities. She told me they were bright and well-connected but ignorant of western culture and market economies.

One Friday she was telling them about differences between Canadian and Chinese life, and mentioned the western infatuation with pets of various kinds. She mentioned that Canadians do not eat cats or dogs, and find the very idea to be quite disgusting, so best not to mention this as it would be sure to offend.

The following Monday they were back in class, and she noticed that one of her most participative students was sitting passively and glaring at her. After a couple of hours, she asked him to tell the class what new things he learned about Canada over the weekend, hoping to break him out of his apparent bad mood.

He said "I learned you are a liar". She asked what he thought she had lied about. He said that he now had proof that Canadians eat cats . . . whereupon he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a can labelled "cat food". "See" he said triumphantly, "C-a-t F-o-o-d. Cat food. So Canadians DO eat cats!"

She explained that the can did not contain cat, rather it contained food FOR cats. This was even more incredible to the student, who couldn't imagine that anyone in his right mind would PAY for special food for a cat.

I gotta go out but I have a ton of stories....

Remind me: 40 year old virgin.

"My Mum thinks you are handsome" oh - and by the way her Mum was sitting right next to her (it was an open class)

duffsta wrote:"My Mum thinks you are handsome" oh - and by the way her Mum was sitting right next to her (it was an open class)

And? Did you and mum have a "special" PTA meeting after some drinks?

Dammit Gay C, give us a story, preferably a funny AND juicy one. It's Monday. We all need to laugh a lil' bit. At least I do.

I was teaching a class full of obnoxious teenage fu er dai kids. They were supposed to be preparing to study abroad, but none of them could care less.
In the class was this slightly overweight Chinese bloke, about 40-something, curly-ish hair and going a bit bald. He also wanted to study abroad. It seemed a bit weird that he wanted to do that, but I thought whatever.
In the next class the topic was 'Family' and we went through some basic vocabulary before I got the students to introduce their family one by one.
It got to the 40's guy and I thought he would talk about his wife and kid and then his mum etc. But he just spoke about his mother and told us that his dad had passed away.
Another student in the class, a teenager, asked if he was married and he said no. The kids seemed a bit taken aback by this, but we carried on and that was that.
We had a break and just as I announced that we could all break for a while, the 40's guy put his hand up and said, kind of loudly, 'Actually I am virgin!'.
Then he giggled a bit and ran out the class like he was a ten-year-old.
The kids laughed and so did I.
The guy continued coming to the classes as if nothing was wrong.

^ HAHAHAHAHA

I had a class years ago full of kids aged between 18 and 25. They were all planning to study abroad.
The topic was 'Love & Romance'. This is always a good one to do as the kids are very interested in it and they get to tell me who 'loves' who in the class etc etc.
I asked them what people do if they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Gradually all the kids started making statements like 'go on a date', 'hold hands' etc. Then finally 'kissing' and everyone giggling.
There was this girl, aged about 19, not so cute, but certainly not ugly, a bit non-descript. She put her hand up and said 'F*cking! F*cking! I very like!'.
I staggered back in shock and nearly knocked something over. Other kids started screaming with laughter, while some were so shocked one girl started crying. The whole class turned into chaos.
The centre director came in to the class as there was so much commotion and we had to postpone the class.
The girl continued to come to class like nothing had happened.

^ HAHAHAHAHA

one girl started crying

Gay_Chevara wrote:I had a class years ago full of kids aged between 18 and 25. They were all planning to study abroad.
The topic was 'Love & Romance'. This is always a good one to do as the kids are very interested in it and they get to tell me who 'loves' who in the class etc etc.
I asked them what people do if they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Gradually all the kids started making statements like 'go on a date', 'hold hands' etc. Then finally 'kissing' and everyone giggling.
There was this girl, aged about 19, not so cute, but certainly not ugly, a bit non-descript. She put her hand up and said 'F*cking! F*cking! I very like!'.
I staggered back in shock and nearly knocked something over. Other kids started screaming with laughter, while some were so shocked one girl started crying. The whole class turned into chaos.
The centre director came in to the class as there was so much commotion and we had to postpone the class.
The girl continued to come to class like nothing had happened.

And that about sums it up I would say. Chinese culture, English teaching and Shanghai expat. The party

That's a good one, Gay! Perfect for a Monday.

I teach Kindergarten, so my stories are a different sort of funny:

Sometime in October, I was teaching my 6-7 year olds some type of food lesson or whatever. At the end of class, I was saying goodbye and a boy runs up to me and grabs my arm.
"TEACHER. TEACHER. THE ZOMBIES IS COMING. THE ZOMBIES IS COMING!"
"When, Michael? When are the zombies coming?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" He starts shaking me violently. "They is COMING!"

Next day:
"TEACHER. THE ZOMBIES. THE ZOMBIES IS COMING"
"When, Michael? When are they coming?"
"They will be eating us! We will be rice and noodles!"
"Oh no!"
"AK-47!!!!!!!"
"..."


Kids...

mcap wrote:I teach Kindergarten, so my stories are a different sort of funny:

Sometime in October, I was teaching my 6-7 year olds some type of food lesson or whatever. At the end of class, I was saying goodbye and a boy runs up to me and grabs my arm.
"TEACHER. TEACHER. THE ZOMBIES IS COMING. THE ZOMBIES IS COMING!"
"When, Michael? When are the zombies coming?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" He starts shaking me violently. "They is COMING!"

Next day:
"TEACHER. THE ZOMBIES. THE ZOMBIES IS COMING"
"When, Michael? When are they coming?"
"They will be eating us! We will be rice and noodles!"
"Oh no!"
"AK-47!!!!!!!"
"..."


Kids...

That's from that great Chinese kids protein powder they sell that is supposed to make your kid %100 smarter. Just like the great milk they where selling last year....

I teach ceramics at a community based art center. One day last fall an eight year old Chinese girl came to visit our school. We have visitors to the studio often so I didn't particularly pay attention to her. As I was teaching she came up beside me to watch what I was doing. At one point she reached up and started rubbing the hair on my arms. In perfect English she said "your kinda like a gorilla." She flashed a huge smile as she turned around and walked out of the room without saying another word.

I was told that I looked like a monkey by the manager in this ESL centre. She then used that as a form of advertising with prospective students; I think she had a picture on her desk of a monkey and was telling people that the teachers looked like monkeys.

Funnily enough, years later, in some other ESL sh*thole, I received company 'training' in which I was told that I was not allowed to tell Chinese students that I was a 'white monkey' or that 'all English teachers are losers' etc etc. I told the training girl not to worry as all the students already know.

I'm not a teacher but I once had a teenage girl tell me I really should not smile so much...Life in China is nothing to smile about..I was gruffly informed...

^Tough life, that girl's having. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

"I don't believe in black holes. They have no relevance to my life."
(Oh no, not in MY universe!)

"I WILL TAKE ANY BRIBE!"

"We think westerners are like animals."
(in fairness this may have been a proposition).

"I've lowered my standards. I just want a nice man. You."

"China media is free. US media is all propaganda."

"There is no racism in China. There is only one race."

"I like to stay home and relax myself."
(TMI)

"The government says lead paint in toys is good for babies."
(This was actually the whole class saying it).

"What do foreigners eat for breakfast?"
(Porridge and baked beans at 7 am, everybody knows that).

"What is the foreign word for "face city"
("Shanghai").

Where are you from?
USA
No, I don't think so.

"What is your name?"
(I tell them)
"Are you sure?"
(No.)

"I think they are barbarians"
(final thought for the hour entitled "Multicultural Sensitivity" - group identity crisis AVERTED)

"China is safe."
(Um, I just got hit by 2 cars in the parking lot and I'm eating fake eggs possibly fried in sewage).

"This is China!"
(Indeed)

"The internet is open."
(at least as wide as your mind?)

"I have diarrhea."
(...)

"You're addicted to the internet."
(and i ever mentioned my computer habits...when?)

"I was staring at a black man in New York and he yelled at me to stop. Black people are rude."
(Foreigners, huh)

"England has old buildings. Shanghai has new buildings. It's better."
(Out with the old, in with the new! Oops, that's you too).

"Sigh. I have no chance to practice my English."
(Just like your three friends over there told me earlier, whom you only speak Chinese to).

"What's your number so I can call you to practice my English."
(Darn, the company doesn't allow me to use my phone).

"I'm boring."
(That's ok we like you anyway)

"You talk good enough for us."
(Oh thank you, I'm relieved to hear it).

"Assh*le! F*ck!"
(Very good, Mister Vice President)

I had a class with about ten adults from various companies. It was for 'adult conversation' although I never really found out what that actually meant.

Anyway, there were the usual bunch of dorks, lonely girls from the countryside in the big city, one really stroppy girl from Shenzhen and the compulsory slut from Shanghai.

The slut was married and was the oldest in the class. She was an attractive girl and very VERY open-minded. This was in 2001.

I can't remember what we were talking about, but as many other teachers will surely agree, most of the time the students, if adult, want to talk about some sex-related subject.

The slut then told us that people should try to have sex with the person they plan to marry as the sex may not be good and sex is an important part of the marriage. I agreed with her, while the countryside girls nearly fainted, the dorks squirmed uncomfortably and the Shenzhen girl called her a whore in Cantonese under her breath.

I asked her if her husband was as open minded as she was and then she said 'Oh no, I didn't have sex with him until after we married. Otherwise he would think I am a bad girl'.

So I asked her why she said what she said and she replied 'Oh I had sex with other guy'.

(Chinese people always forget to add the 's' in plurals).

Then she looked at the ceiling and started counting.

'Twelve guy', she said.

Gay_Chevara wrote:I had a class with about ten adults from various companies. It was for 'adult conversation' although I never really found out what that actually meant.

Anyway, there were the usual bunch of dorks, lonely girls from the countryside in the big city, one really stroppy girl from Shenzhen and the compulsory slut from Shanghai.

The slut was married and was the oldest in the class. She was an attractive girl and very VERY open-minded. This was in 2001.

I can't remember what we were talking about, but as many other teachers will surely agree, most of the time the students, if adult, want to talk about some sex-related subject.

The slut then told us that people should try to have sex with the person they plan to marry as the sex may not be good and sex is an important part of the marriage. I agreed with her, while the countryside girls nearly fainted, the dorks squirmed uncomfortably and the Shenzhen girl called her a whore in Cantonese under her breath.

I asked her if her husband was as open minded as she was and then she said 'Oh no, I didn't have sex with him until after we married. Otherwise he would think I am a bad girl'.

So I asked her why she said what she said and she replied 'Oh I had sex with other guy'.

(Chinese people always forget to add the 's' in plurals).

Then she looked at the ceiling and started counting.

'Twelve guy', she said.

Did the girl come back to class the next day like nothing had happened?

^^ HAHAHA

Oh **** I forgot my tag line!

Yeah she did.

Pfffft.

Gay_Chevara wrote:Oh **** I forgot my tag line!

Yeah she did.

Pfffft.

Tell us another, Papa Che! You're on a roll, here...

Just don't forget the hook-line this time.

Later, man, I gotta go to my Chinese class.

^yeah.......right.

Morning wood's gotta be handled properly...