Raising Third Culture Kids Finding Your Way Jennifer Lee  Local experts and parents share insights and advice on raising kids in a mobile society.
Expatriate kids have a lot going for them. They speak multiple languages, show exceptional intellectual and social flexibility and possess a highly valued global perspective. But reaping the benefits of growing up abroad doesn’t come without some hurdles – for children and the parents raising them.
Known as “third culture kids” (TCKs) or “global nomads,” expat children grow up in something of a cultural jumble. They may be from one culture on paper and living in a second culture. But their reality is something entirely different. It’s not an in between, but a third culture comprised of elements of the first and second cultures plus the traits of the international community in which they live.
Unlike adults entering this third culture, children don’t have a firm grounding in their first culture yet. Their sense of identity and understanding of basic cultural rules is still developing. And as TCKs they’re doing this important developing in a mix of cultures, nationalities, languages, expectations and values. If they move frequently as many expats do, it magnifies that cultural fracturing.
On one hand, the exposure gives these children their unique perspective and flexibility. But on the other, they can also grow up without a strong sense of belonging to any culture in particular. Additionally, they’re confronted with intense levels of grief and alienation. They’re repeatedly having to say goodbye to friendships and places and learning and relearning basic social rules, such as how to eat and gesture, what to wear, what is humorous and what is offensive.
Of course, the experience of living abroad affects children differently depending on personality, duration of stay, age, parental attitude, and distance between the home and adopted cultures. But research shows that the stresses of the third culture experience can result in problems with alcohol or drug abuse, eating disorders, depression, building relationships and delayed adolescence.
Counteracting the potential pitfalls of the TCK experience often comes back to a single theme – stability. Experts say that children handle the inconstancy of the expat experience better when they feel stable and confident. For parents that means creating a sense of rootedness in an external environment that is always changing.
The challenges sound daunting, but many families have raised third culture kids successfully – and happily. So Shanghai Family went out and found those examples – in abundance. Here we offer insights directly from educators and parents on navigating the TCK experience.
Developing “I can” confidence
Connie Jordan
Connie Jordan, Directing Partner, Tiny Tots International Preschool and Kindergarten
 Directing partner of Tiny Tots International Preschool and Kindergarten, Connie Jordan has been an educator in Asia for 32 years. And she’s seen what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to raising confident, secure third culture kids.
Jordan says having consistency in the home environment is crucial – not only in terms of rituals and family time, but also in terms of rules and values. When kids are waited on by maids and drivers, it is easy to grow up without a sense of personal responsibility.
But as an educator, Jordan’s personal focus and expertise is in developing children’s “desire to succeed.” She notes that TCKs often spend their energy on “surviving” rather than “thriving” because they’re constantly relearning the rules in new places and with new people. In other words, they spend their energy trying to fit into the culture rather than fully participating in and taking a proactive role in it.
So the particular challenge with third culture kids is in instilling a strong self image that can handle setbacks. Jordan says children benefit from a very strong sense of “I can.” When children feel successful, they’ll strive to do more, try new things and feel more confident about tackling problems.
To that end, Jordan recommends giving children the opportunity to try many activities so they may find their special interests and talents. Rather than focusing on what the child can’t do, she says to enhance in each child the thing that he can – and loves – to do.
That talent becomes part of the child’s identity and confidence, so that even if he is having a bad day he can think, for example, “I can still swim really well.” Having something positive to fall back on assures children that even in a bad time everything will be okay and helps anchor their sense of self to talents or activities.
Family rituals
Hannah Redpath
Hannah Redpath, teacher and therapist, Shanghai Amerrican School
 A teacher, therapist and mother of three, Hannah Redpath has been helping families cope with the challenges of living abroad for more than a decade.
And she says one of the biggest stumbling blocks when moving abroad is the disruption to a family’s rhythm.
For one, fathers are often expected to work longer hours which not only shrinks the time kids get with Dad but upends the team approach to parenting. And perhaps because parents feel unconsciously guilty about the disruption, they give their kids more freedom than normal and don’t ask enough questions.
Redpath says that establishing and adhering to some family rituals are an effective and easy method of providing stability and keeping communication channels open in the family. Rituals strengthen the parent-child relationship, foster a strong sense of belonging and confidence, and help insulate children from dangers such as alcohol abuse.
She recommends that families set up daily, weekly, monthly and yearly rituals which are consistent and fun. It’s never too late to begin setting aside time for family rituals; the key is to be deliberate about creating and adhering to them.
Also, involving kids in clubs or sports where they can meet other TCKs provides another ritual and helps foster a sense of belonging.
Communication becomes harder when dealing with teenagers, who may not want to open up to their parents. Redpath recommends that parents keep a positive tone – rather than lecturing, just chat about life. Ask questions, but don’t interrogate. Additionally, Redpath recommends establishing an emergency plan with teens so they know they can and should call if they end up at a party with drugs or alcohol. Kids often don’t call because they fear their parents’ reactions.
TCK’s lives are so mobile that family often becomes the only homeland they have, so it is crucial that parents create a loving and stable family life for their children and let their children know that no matter what happens they can turn to their parents for safety and support.
Maintaining connections
Lisa Johnson
Lisa Johnson with son Branch and husband Michael
 My son Branch, now 14, was born in Chicago but grew up in London, Tokyo and Shanghai. He’s lived three lives and each of those lives has made him what he is. He spent six years in Tokyo and
to me, he thinks and acts very Japanese sometimes. He’s very respectful and polite and he likes a certain kind of order and regularity. So it’s been great to see how much he absorbs from these experiences – quite different from us adults.
One way we maintained a kind of base in the U.S. was by sending him to the same summer camp in North Carolina for seven years straight. The kids there were pretty much the same each time, and they became his American peer group. Before and after camp he’d spend time with both sets of grandparents, cementing his relationship with our extended families.
Living abroad is really hard, really stressful. When each member of the family is doing well, and the family relationships are solid, then children are surrounded by healthy relationships. But when parents are angry, negative or stressed it radiates downwards and really affects the kids.
For us, spending a lot of time together was important. But also, finding good friends was crucial. It ended up being easier to make friends here and in Tokyo than when we lived in New York because people out here are without their families, so we become each other’s families. Every year at Thanksgiving we’d have three or four families over for Peking duck and we’d spend a lot of time together over the weekends. Having that support group really made life abroad feel like home.
We had to work hard to get in touch with the local community here. Branch really focused on Mandarin and he created a foundation, called The Crystal Heart Foundation (http://thecrystalheartfoundation.org) to raise money for children who need medical treatment.
One piece of advice I would give other parents is to return to your last assignment within the first year. We went back to Tokyo about a year after moving to Shanghai, and it really brought a sense of closure. Nothing had changed in our old community in Japan, so he wasn’t missing anything. But Branch realized that he was different, that he had accomplished a lot.
Preserving cultural identity
Meera Singh
Meera Singh with sons Mir and Kabir and husband DP
 Both my husband and I are from India, but we lived in the U.S.once we married. For a long time I hesitated to have children because I was afraid they wouldn’t be Indian. Now Mir is 14 and Kabir is 11.
They lived in the U.S. from the time they were born until almost two years ago, when we moved to Shanghai. This summer we will move to India. The boys have visited each year, of course, but this will be their first time actually living there. The process of going back is both exciting and scary – a whole process of rediscovery for all of us, even for me because India has changed so much over the years.
Our children are very different from one another, and of course they are not completely American nor Indian, but some combination. In China, Kabir says we’re from India because he thinks we’ll get charged more if he says he’s from America. For them, their identity can change depending on the situation.
Culture has a lot of different parts. One way the boys were exposed to my culture is through food – we eat Indian at home. Another is through spirituality. One of the beauties of India is that there are people from so many religions; there are so many manifestations of God. I grew up, not really religious, but with a spiritual education grounded in a set of human values. The main way I have been able to make a bridge for my kids while living in the States was to expose them to the same spiritual education, the same set of values.
CREATING RITUALS
A ritual can be as simple as sharing a family meal. In fact, research shows children who eat regularly with their families are less likely to use drugs, drink, smoke or feel depressed and are more likely to do well in school, have healthier eating habits, have positive peer relationships and be emotionally content.
Daily rituals can be standard greetings: hug, kiss, wave, high five; reading together; or a good night song. Daily rituals are things your kids can count on.
Monthly or weekly rituals can be simple activities such as: Dad takes the kids to school; family board game night; round food on the full moon; or a trip to the local park.
Yearly rituals can be about celebrating particular holidays in certain ways, or marking special times such as the first day of school or summer vacation.  [1]
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